Your roving reporter has scooped everyone else by tracking down the Prime Minister to a secret meeting of the party faithful at somewhere you never heard of, where he was also hiding from Paxman. Lord Mandelson was at his side, resplendent in a scarlet sequinned dress robe. Tony Blair was unable to attend, as he was counting his money, though he had sent his teeth to grin at the audience.
After unveiling the party’s manifesto on Monday, with its catchy new slogan — Fatter Pigs, Flying Higher — the trio were asked to comment on the Tory manifesto, wittily titled “Strictly Come Voting “ Lord Meddlesome commented that since his government — sorry! — since the Brown government came to power, they had been able to increase the amount of hot air generated by over 150%. “Our empty phrases are emptier than Tory empty phrases” he alleged.
Quizzed about Afghanistan, Gordon Brown reminded us that he had been there, shortly before he banned everyone else from going there, and had been able to deliver some much-needed words to the troops. He promised to send thousands more words to Afghanistan, saying that hundreds of renovated cliches were also in the pipeline. He stated it was essential to bring democracy to the Afghans, whether they wanted it or not, and it should be our primary objective to win hearts and minds, whatever that meant.
He attacked the Tory manifesto, claiming that Conservatives dressed to the right, unlike his government which would be gentler on your skin, giving more miles to the gallon whilst enriching your marrowbone jelly.
Mr Teeth Blair said that a Brown government would continue to reach out with a raft of ideas to be incorporated into best practice, by thinking sideways, outside of the box. No English translation was available.
Asked if any of them could possibly give a straight answer to a straight question, Mr Brown told this reporter: “Half-past three“. There was general consensus between the three that half-past three was the best way forward, in order to get to half-past three. Mr Brown added that, at the end of the day, it would be midnight.
The audience rose to their feet in a spontaneous silence.