Your roving reporter has scooped everyone else by tracking down the Prime Minister to a secret meeting of the party faithful at somewhere you never heard of, where he was also hiding from Paxman. Lord Mandelson was at his side, resplendent in a scarlet sequinned dress robe. Tony Blair was unable to attend, as he was counting his money, though he had sent his teeth to grin at the audience.

After unveiling the party’s manifesto on Monday, with its catchy new slogan — Fatter Pigs, Flying Higher — the trio were asked to comment on the Tory manifesto, wittily titled “Strictly Come Voting “ Lord Meddlesome commented that since his government — sorry! — since the Brown government came to power, they had been able to increase the amount of hot air generated by over 150%. “Our empty phrases are emptier than Tory empty phrases” he alleged.

Quizzed about Afghanistan, Gordon Brown reminded us that he had been there, shortly before he banned everyone else from going there, and had been able to deliver some much-needed words to the troops. He promised to send thousands more words to Afghanistan, saying that hundreds of renovated cliches were also in the pipeline. He stated it was essential to bring democracy to the Afghans, whether they wanted it or not, and it should be our primary objective to win hearts and minds, whatever that meant.

He attacked the Tory manifesto, claiming that Conservatives dressed to the right, unlike his government which would be gentler on your skin, giving more miles to the gallon whilst enriching your marrowbone jelly.

Mr Teeth Blair said that a Brown government would continue to reach out with a raft of ideas to be incorporated into best practice, by thinking sideways, outside of the box. No English translation was available.

Asked if any of them could possibly give a straight answer to a straight question, Mr Brown told this reporter: “Half-past three“. There was general consensus between the three that half-past three was the best way forward, in order to get to half-past three. Mr Brown added that, at the end of the day, it would be midnight.

The audience rose to their feet in a spontaneous silence.

Lenco

1
Antisthenes April 16, 2010 at 07:27

Politics has sunk to a level of inanity that beggars belief. It is not about sound governance it is about gaining power and keeping it as far as Labour is concerned. The Conservatives just want to get back into power and the Lib-Dems want to take a larger slice of the vote to have more influence. There is not a hint that any of them understand the reality of the current situation or if they do have not got any solid policies to cope with it. The Conservatives have at least the best chance of tackling the economic black hole because of their natural instinct to put wealth creation above wealth redistribution. However that alone will not be effective if they don’t go with their other natural instinct that of a smaller less obtrusive nanny state, they appear to have ditched that philosophy. Talk of big society is bogus in that in the form it is presented is just an extension of the state rather than instead of the state. Cameron last night did hint at doing something about the welfare system which was encouraging, but what did he actually mean by that. The debate last night reminded me of little children fighting over who should be king of the castle and who’s lollipop was the biggest. Clegg won the debate not on substance but I believe because he was the most photogenic. Brown on looks would not looked out of place on the walls of the Kremlin during the Soviet era watching the May day parade. Cameron did not look the part of a leader that was needed in a time of crisis if he had been a Churchill or a Thatcher he would have eaten the other two alive. No Britain today reminds me of the last days of the Roman and Byzantium empires.

2
PT April 16, 2010 at 08:47

Well written, Lenko. An amusing although alarmingly accurate caricature of those who claim power over us.

3
Gloria Smudd April 16, 2010 at 09:10

You’re good at this, Lenko!

4
Shy Hermit April 16, 2010 at 09:30

HaHaHa

Is there a party you can vote for between elections without ruining your appetite?

5
Saul April 16, 2010 at 22:32

Moderate And Reform Socialists

6
Saul April 16, 2010 at 22:35

I know, but you try finding an acronym for Milky Way.