Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of Captain Tony Woodley and Flight Officer Derek Simpson, we’d like to welcome you aboard this special UNITE chartered flight from British Airways. We hope that you will enjoy the flight with us.

Our cabin crew is headed by Bootface Strykalot and our overpaid staff will be happy to serve you hideous “food” and drinks in nasty plastic cups with a sullen demeanour once we have reached our cruising altitude. Our in-flight entertainment includes the movies “Airport” and “Titanic”. We have also included a special bonus feature on “Teaching Spanish practices to our fellow crew in Iberia”.

In the likely event of a complete depressurisation of the negotiating cabin, massive supplies of union dues will still be paid to union officers. Should this happen, please ensure that you empty out your own wallet before reaching into those of your fellow passengers. In the event of a complete collapse, the captain will instruct you to assume the brace position. When you hear this command, if you are a taxpayer, take out your wallet, put your head between your knees, and kiss the contents of your wallet goodbye. If you are a BA shareholder, we strongly recommend you divest yourself of any share objects to reduce the risk of financial injury.

We hope that you will enjoy the flight and if there is anything we can do to make your journey more comfortable, please do hesitate to ask, because we have much more important things to do than care about our customers.

*bong*

*A curse upon those scabby BA cabin crew who have allegedly made this article redundant between writing it and getting it posted!