Are you sitting comfortably boys and girls? Then I’ll begin.
Once upon a time, my husband and I hoped that this year’s speech might contain something about cleaning up this den of iniquity before we had to sit here spouting nonsense once again, but such is life……
Here we are again, happy as can be, tra la la, la la, la la…..
The bunch of lunatics that currently comprise my government want me to introduce a Fiscal Responsibility Bill, hilarious! They want to bind whoever has the misfortune to take over from them to halve the national deficit in four years. They don’t mean halve the national debt in four years, ‘deficit’ means halve the rate at which it is currently increasing. Fiscal Responsibility! I’m surprised they even know how to spell that – wait a minute, they can’t, which one-eyed moron wrote this rubbish, who uses black felt tip pen?
What is this? The Flood and Water Management Bill? Local councils are to be given the power to prevent Global Warming and turn back the rising Stour from flooding Bewdley, my, my, I do declare that one of my illustrious ancestors came a cropper in the Wash on a similar mission. Phillip! Didn’t that son of the manse say he was going to Copenhagen to save the world from all this?
A Digital Economy Bill? Hmnn, I see, a £6 a year levy for not switching to a mobile phone so that the Government can track you wherever you are, I can see that that will be popular; and this Crime and Security Bill – tackling mobile phones in prisons? Phillip, did you see that piece on the news last night about the strike at Walton Jail? All those prison officers outside, the men all locked in their cells, and there is the BBC talking to a prisoner in his cell – I thought they weren’t allowed to have mobile phones? Very odd.
Oh, look here Phillip, they are going to guarantee that you will get an appointment with a specialist 5 months after you need one, I wonder how long after you see the specialist will your treatment start? Do you think that will stop them all moving to France? I’ve heard that the Doctors there apologise to you if you have to wait three days.
What’s that you say Dear, I can’t hear you over that infernal machine. Hey! You girl, you with the vacuum thingy, have you got a work permit? Now, what did you say dear? They’ve all gone home? I thought I was supposed to be saying something about cleaning up Parliament? Oh, I see, that’s what you’re doing is it.
Did Billy say we had crumpets for tea? Good show, I do like crumpets. Where’s that ridiculous carriage?