Marcus Brigstocke rants about religion
Transcript… with thanks to Mental Excretement

“I’d like to start this week with a request, and this one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: the Muslims, Christians, and Jews. It’s just a little thing, really, but do you think that when you’ve finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privledges while you do it, do you think that maybe the rest of us could sort of have our planet back? I wouldn’t ask, but I’m starting to think that there must be something written in the special books that each of you so enjoy referring to that it’s ok to behave like special, petulent, pugnacious, pricks.

Forgive the alliteration, but your persistent, power-mad punch-ups are pissing me off. It’s mainly the extremists obviously, but not excllusively. It’s a lot of ‘main-streamers’ as well. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about.

Muslims: listen up my bearded and veily friends! Calm down, ok? Stop blowing stuff up. Not everything that said about you is an attack on the prophet Mohammed and Allah that needs to end in the infidel being destroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chill out. I mean seriously, what’s wrong with a strongly-worded letter to The Times?

Christians: you and your churches don’t get to be millionairs while other people have nothing at all. They’re your bloody rules; either stick to them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judge to be immoral. Oh, and stop pretending you’re celibate — it’s a cover-up for being a gay or a nonce. Right, that’s two ticked off.

Jews! I know you’re god’s ‘Chosen People’ and the rest of us are just whatever, but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it that doesn’t make them anitsemitic. And for the record, your troubled history is not a license to act with impunity now.

Please don’t kill us, seriously. As far as I’m concerned this is the only chance we get. When we die it’s all over — there’s no virgins and pearly gates waiting for us, no big, beardy man saying:

[in deep, echoing voice and upper class accent] “Right, so how do you think that went, then? Killed a lot of people in my name I see. Not really what I had in mind. Um, tell you what, have another go as a worm.”

This week Lydia Playfoot, who took Millay School in Horsham to the high court so she could wear jewelry to prove she’s staying a virgin for Jesus, lost her case.
Good. I’m glad. I don’t care how many times her parents claim it was her idea, rules is rules, and if you want to wear a ring that tells everyone you’re not having any sex you can get married like the rest of us.

Now, the lawyer for the chaste Miss Playfoot said the question for the judge was ‘What are the religious rights of school children in the school context?’ Well, I’m no judge (not yet, anyway), but if you want my opinion, none. No rights. No religious rights whatsoever. Schools are for learning. If you want to have a little pray to prevent the P.E. teacher from being a collossal pervert, then go head, fill your boots. If you want to pop on a feathered headdress and chant and dance and mumble and sacrifice something you can do that on your own time.

Now, I know that most relgious folk are moderate and reasonable and wear tidy jumpers and eat cheese, like real people. And on hearing this they’ll mainly feel pity for me, rather than issue a death sentence. But they have to accept that they are the power base for the nutters. Without their passive support the loonies in charge of these faiths would just be loonies, safely locked away and medicated — somewhere nice with a view of some trees where they can claim they have a direct channel to god between sessions making tapestry coasters, watching Teletubbies and talking about thier days in the Hitler Youth.

coco January 9, 2009 at 03:57

I used to fancy Mel Gibson until I realised how short he was ……

Only just managed to catch up on the news ……. Lebanon don’t fuck about do
they! Christ!

But what has really grabbed my attention in a really scary fuck-me kind of
way is so fucking transparent that I am going to do a rant on it before I go
to bed ……

You will know what it is when you find it …….. There will be a lack of
swear words in it – because when I am scared and angry – I don’t tend to swear
….. as much!

Anna Raccoon
January 8, 2009 at 10:33

Morning Ratty,

I’ve never been able to face Shrek.

The Dirty
Rat January 8, 2009 at 10:29

Shrek made me cry but I was feeling a bit emotional that day!

Saul January 8, 2009 at 01:11

Mel Gibson! Did you see him in Braveheart. Some say he couldn’t play a
Scot.

A drunken racist bigot, oh no, not our Mad Max.

Archaic, or is that Aramaic.

coco January 8, 2009 at 00:58

‘Orrible fuckin’ film that …… I don’t know anybody personally who has seen
it all.

Another film that really pissed me off was the Mel Gibson one about Jesus.
I had to leave the cinema because I cried my eyes out.

I was livid when I found it wasn’t a good-looking and credible Jesus – and
that really pissed me off …… and the fact that nobody had thought to dub into
English …….

In fact – let’s face it – it was just some kind of homo-erotic experience
for the most part!

Saul January 7, 2009 at 22:43

I’m not sure, a cushion fell in front of my eyes, it took me ages to push
it to one side, by which time the credits were rolling.

coco January 7, 2009 at 22:38

SAUL!!!!!!!!!!! I have just had a flash-back because of you!

I adore Oliver Stone – but that was so sickening especially when I got to
the bit with the blow-torch and the poor girl …. I simply had to stop watching
as I was so upset and disturbed …….. That is one film that I would have
banned.

I would still marry Oliver Stone if Brad and Matt won’t have me …… but he
would never be allowed to ever play that film in the house.

Uggggghhhhh!

How did it end? The old bloke on the train near the beginning reminded me
of all the UK 1980s politicians rolled into one ….. What happened to the young
guys and him?

Saul January 7, 2009 at 22:21

If he is omnipotent then he should get on the Internet and order some of
those blue smarties.

With regard to your party…do you really think I haven’t seen “Hostel”?

coco January 7, 2009 at 22:13

Oh for Godness sake! Basically right ….. there is only only one God and he
has a lot to do in a day …… He has a lot on!

For instance …. He had to get up early over the weekend to make sure there
wern’t any Christians getting caught up in the cross-fire between the Jews and
the Moslems …… then he had to get his arse over to Putin’s to make sure that
he was causing enough trouble with the Ukrainians so that everybody starts
using their genetic memories about 1917 – and the cold and the frost-bite and
the lack of crops etc. …… Then he had to get over to my house to give Eddie
and Keela their Christmas presents – (Which were late – because he had been to
all Jesus’ birthday bashes and was really knackered) – then he had to go to
Waitrose coz his cuboards were bare – So where do you think he had enough time
to fuck about sorting your lottery numbers?

Saul – you should be ashamed to even want to think about abusing old men in
this way!!! Even if he is omnipotent.

Fancy coming to my circumcision and clitorodectomy party next Sunday? …….
Errrr … you don’t have to take part …… You can just watch with me and
Annaraccoon …..

Saul January 7, 2009 at 21:39

My failure to win even a tenner on the National Lottery, is severely
testing my faith. Numerous pleas have gone unanswered. Do you think a switch
of faith would be beneficial?

[in deep, echoing voice and upper class accent]

“Buy a ticket and give me half a chance you tight bugger”

coco January 7, 2009 at 18:49

Hi! It’s the Kufr here again!

I have just rung a few guys I know who are over 21 years old and asked them
if they could come over tomorrow night for a circumcision party.

Everybody declined!

I rang a few girls I know to ask them if they fancied a clitorodectomy
party ….. and they said no as well.

I am just about to ring a couple of mosques and synagogues now – to see if
they will let me sit in at one of their parties some time this week ……..

I believe that clitorodectomy parties are usually held in the privacy of
people’s own homes – so I am going to look through the registry offices to see
who has recently given birth to babies.

Should be an absolute hoot ….. Now ….. what can I wear? Do I need a rubber
apron and a hair-net? Or will I need surgical greens?

Anyway …… can’t wait! It simply has to better than bear-baiting and
bull-fighting!

coco January 7, 2009 at 18:35

Errrrrr …….. Just to remind you. Jesus is the Lamb of God and the final
sacrifice ……. ie. NO MORE RITUAL SLAUGHTER WITH BLUNT KNIVES BY UNQUALIFIED
SURGEONS!!!

Because Jesus was born into a Jewish culture, Mary and Joseph were under
obligation to have him circumcised – but as we all know ….. there is
absolutely no need for this since the birth of Christianity – unless there is
a bloody good medical reason for it!

Why should we be displaying our baby boys’ todgers to our family and
friends aand celebrating the event? Christ Almighty ….. How pervy-wervy is
that?!

People are being tracked down and locked up for merely looking at a few
photographs of boys’ todgers – never mind setting about one with a fucking
knife in front of the mother-in-law and everybody in the community!

It is also depicably perverse to have our little girls clitorises hacked
at.

It is completely fucking unnecessary and is one of the most heinous of sex
crimes to be thought up – and is actual bodily harm …. In some cases it could
be compared to attempted murder or even manslaughter ….. And let’s not forget
to mention a breach of basic human rights.

So ….. if all humans would just care for their animals and children and
respect the rights of others to potter about believing in whatever they want
to believe in without harming or offending other people and animals – they
will be at one with God and the Universe.

People can even worship dog turds if they like ……. Just don’t expect
everybody else to worship and revere the same things.

I am just an ordinary but obviously unclean girl who is a filthy infidel
and despicable piece of Kufr who has been warned in advance that one day I may
be ‘legally’ beaten to death by bare hands according to a certain set of other
filth …… so I would like to extend an invitation …….. to bring it on!!!