Scraping the Bottom..
150 years ago, it was reported that the ‘common man’, the man who would have been on the Clapham Omnibus, had he been able to afford the fare, was frequently found to have up to 3’ of raw sewage floating round in his cellar. He had a cesspit, but it cost one shilling to have the ‘night-soil man’ haul it away, and with daily wages of around three shillings, it was cheaper to let it overflow into the cellar of the house that he didn’t own anyway….
The sewage often leaked into the water supply, and hundreds of people died in a series of Cholera epidemics. Our Victorian forefathers clubbed together and arranged for the sewage to be piped out into the oceans, where we didn’t need to think about it anymore. We didn’t drink the sea water – so that was alright then….
Your Kraut Bog.
The British have always had a love/hate relationship with their shite. We like to pretend it doesn’t exist. Where the Germans have toilets that allow them to closely inspect their shite for worrisome signs of worm riddled undercooked pork sausage, the British prefer an ‘out of sight, never existed’ model.
Out of Sight/Out of Mind model.
Only our own shite, of course, we remain fascinated by what fellow bottoms get up to – the ‘Tour of the Brighton Sewers’ is alarmingly regularly sold out – it can only be a matter of time before the first civil partnership ceremony is held in the recently revamped Sewer Tourist Centre under Pier 260…
The Brighton Sewers have had to have special lighting installed, water tight doors, and alarm systems fitted to comply with Health and Safety rules governing the well being of the passing Turd watchers. Our Victorian forefathers didn’t think of that…
Quite what happens when the local skate-boarders discover that the circular tunnels and sloping walls are just perfect for their sport doesn’t bear thinking about. No doubt the Water Board will only be allowed to pass water at approved hours, specially sanitised, with on-site First Aid centres for skate-boarders who get carried away by the excitement.
Some idea of what is in store for the Water Authorities can be gleaned from the SAS. Not that SAS, another one. This SAS can sit motionless (sic) for days on end, watching, waiting; occasionally gleaning whispered information from a fellow conspirator. Until finally the butt clenching moment of exhilaration, the moment their anally retentive lives have been borne for. A wave is coming ashore!
They rush into the sea clutching their surf boards, paddling through the foaming surf, and stand erect, majestic, conquerors of the gallons of sea water; but wait, what is that – a small brown speck on the horizon. Yep, ‘tis a small turd. The output of someone’s bottom. The fly in their ointment.
Back to the shore they rush, and demand that no further turds be allowed to spoil their sport. Millions must be spent sanitising the entire ocean, turds must return whence they came, no longer to despoil the common man’s sport. If necessary we must keep our output in our cellars, anything but in the way of their surf boards. Surfers against Sewage was born.
A militant lot they are, but well organised. Some amongst their number have formed a Charity, that must-have accessory for the well-accoutered disgruntled citizen. They have a Surfing Museum, paid for by grants from ‘Leader 4, North Devon AONB, Devon County Council (Exeter Airport Fund) (Ed: If you find the toilet facilities at Exeter Airport not up to standard – now you know where the money went…), ooh, and ‘community grants’ from the new Fullabrook Wind Farm (and who funded the Wind Farm I ask myself, just who’s money is being dished out to these turd dodgers? Yet couldn’t be bothered to find the answer.)
The Museum is there to display ‘historical artifacts’ from the Surfing community, which has been in existence for all of 40 years; and to ‘educate the public’, presumably of the horrors of surfing amongst the common turds. Still, fair play to them, they netted near 70 grand of grants and are sub letting part of their building back to the council for more dosh. The guiding light appears to be one Peter Robinson, who will be ‘donating the majority of his own collection of historical artifacts ‘at a suitable point’ in the future. When he’s not busy being Company Secretary, or being appointed Museum Director ‘on a 0.8FTE (Full Time Equivalent) post, in order to manage the new Phase 2 design & build project, develop the fundraising & collection, and work towards full time opening’. (Ed: I am reliably informed that a 0.8FTE post means that you only have to work four days a week, and still have plenty of time to sit on the beach turd surf watching)
They are very right-on and ambitious for the future; they have enlisted the help of Ben Fogle to publicise their new campaign – not just reclaiming the oceans for their enjoyment, but the beaches too!
Help Keep Britain’s Beaches Barefoot Friendly…sponsored by Barefoot Wine from California.
Is it not every right-on surfers right to walk barefoot on the beach, unhindered by signs of human life? (Ed: Can’t you stub your toe on a razor clam, or a weaver fish, or half an oyster shell then?) Last year their volunteers picked up 2.5 tonnes of litter to keep the surfing beaches barefoot friendly…I quote from their literature.
One of the most found items of litter is cigarette butts with approximately 4.5 Trillion cigarette butts are littered across the world each year. Laid down end-to-end they would reach around Great Britain’s coastline over 4000 times.
Disgusting creatures, human beings; non-surfing, crapping, smoking, non-right-on, they shouldn’t be allowed to leave any trace of themselves on our beautiful beaches.
It’s our ‘uman rite, innit?
Coming shortly: Para-gliders demand an end to windfarms…
Photo source.
Anna Raccoon (Having lowered the tone of the place, creeps back into obscurity again…)
Ms Raccoon lives in the Monbazillac area of South West France, renown for its fine wines and gourmet food, so she frequently finds better things to do than sit in front of a computer all morning. She is liable to take off traveling at a moment’s notice. Consequently this blog only gets updated these days when it is raining – and it doesn’t rain very often round here…
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1
May 31, 2012 at 13:27 -
Where do these grants come from? How does one apply? Who approves them? How are they justified? Why isn’t the money spent on meals on wheels, collecting the bins, and filling in potholes? Are they repaid? What happens if the grant aided organisation turns a handy profit?
So many questions. No answers .-
2
June 3, 2012 at 14:42 -
From your stores, Sir. Your pocket. The ‘spare’, taken from your labours by a rapacious tax collector who gives it (minus a bit for her pains) to someone else, who takes their bit too, and thence to the roundabout where bits of cash fly off into other’s hands never to be seen by you again and eventually a small part of it is dangeled infront of a turd-watcher who grabs it, buys a board and dashes into the surf.
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3
June 3, 2012 at 14:46 -
And now that your tax return is ‘on-line, along with your banking, we really understand what e-CON-omics is about.
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4
May 31, 2012 at 13:28 -
I eagerly await the emergence of a new movement.. We already have the Reds, the Blues, the Yellowa and the Green Party. A new Brown Party beckons. This is the Turd Way, people!
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7
May 31, 2012 at 13:30 -
“No doubt the Water Board will only be allowed to pass water at approved hours, specially sanitised, with on-site First Aid centres for skate-boarders who get carried away by the excrement.”
Fixed that for you.
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8
May 31, 2012 at 13:35 -
Between you and Caedmon’s Cat, I’ve just choked on my coffee!!!
I was just trying to prove to myself that I could still write 1000 words of complete crap on demand…..
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9
May 31, 2012 at 15:50 -
10
May 31, 2012 at 16:06 -
OK, I can nail my colours to the mast and tell you that I am an ex-member of SAS. I joined for the period of time when I was an active windsurfer, specifically because I like the idea of windsurfing on (and therefore falling into) turd-free water.
So although it’s true that the first “S” stands for surfers, clean beaches are a good thing, in my mind, for everyone who uses a beach, including but not limited to, me, and families with kids who like to swim, and who like there to be a fair distance between their kids and the nearest floating turd.
You can debate how sensible it is for the organisation to be given grants for this and that, and I would possibly agree with you.
But at the end of the day, this pressure group has done, and continues to do, very effective work in cleaning up Britain’s beaches, and in publishing otherwise little-known pollution information, often in the face of government opposition and disinformation.
Good for them.
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11
May 31, 2012 at 16:59 -
I would agree with you in principle, Mark, it is obviously a ‘good’ thing that beaches and oceans are clean for those who wish to use them…but…
We all produce shite; the use of the sea outlets to disgorge the problem away from harms way came first – now we all have to pay either through taxes or water bill, to find another solution, because beach users decided to go surfing…hence my comment about ‘coming soon, paragliders demand an end to wind farms.
I do agree that it is a very efficient organisation though.
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12
May 31, 2012 at 18:05 -
Weeeeeell, I don’t think it’s just surfers who need clean beaches. Seaside holidays are a pretty well-established family break, and if turds are floating 100 yards offshore, they’re probably on the beach too.
Long sea outfalls used to be the preferred method of shit disposal. All the sewage gets “treated”, meaning in gets mashed up (making it harder to see and easier to swallow) and dumped into the sea, hopefully far enough offshore that the sunlight will sterilise it before it gets back to the beach.
This system can fail in overcast weather and strong onshore winds, which can result in “treated” but unsterilised sewage landing on the beach. Increased volume of sewage output from an increased population put increasing pressure on this system.
Britain had needed a better sewage treatment regime for some years, before public beaches became a serious public health hazard. I understand that now, improved systems for sterilising sewage are being installed, especially in areas where councils rely on tourism associated with beaches for some or much of their revenues.
I believe that SAS may have been an important pressure behind this, and worked hard to prevent the issue being ducked or avoided. For example I understood at the time, from SAS information distributed when I was a member, that the Tidy Britain Group were for example, issuing blue flags for “clean beaches” under less stringent criteria than those mandated by the EEC for its own “blue flag” clean beach scheme. Confusing? I think so. Deliberate? Who knows?
And I do approve of pressure groups that get bunches of volunteers to clean up messy beaches, rather than just whinge at the council to do it.
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13
May 31, 2012 at 16:20 -
I think it only right and proper that Council taxpayers fund ” Surfers against Shite” .
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May 31, 2012 at 18:08 -
15
May 31, 2012 at 18:48 -
So Brighton is the turd tourism capital nof Britain? And there was I thinking it was just the turd burglar capital.
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