COBRA, shorthand for the Cabinet Office Briefing Room A has, as it always does, stepped up to the breach in an emergency. This is the same team of top flight Ministers from Defence, Home Office and the relevant emergency services who were called together to plan the civil contingencies initiative when it was believed that every woolly sheep in Britain needed to be slaughtered.

These are the experts, the people in charge of extreme measures essential to the life of the community (unless the community are sheep, in which case they are in charge of extreme measures to ensure the death of the community).

After lengthy deliberation, and an announcement by Gordon Brown that 100 coaches were waiting at Madrid airport to bring home the beleaguered Chavs stranded in the wine bars of the airport, they fired their most potent bullet.

They deployed the ‘rapid response team’. This six man (you were expecting more?) team covered the 77.6 miles from Whitehall to Dover in record time for civil servants, arriving exhausted after an impressive six whole days.

Naturally they were exhausted so they will not be able to continue their journey to spots where they might be faced with hostile crowds of angry voters waiting to be repatriated (in time to vote) before the morning.

Tonight they are resting, and tomorrow they will begin the arduous two hours crossing of the English Channel.

Once in Calais, they will require a mere two or three hours to prepare their team to greet the 50 coaches (whad’ya mean 100 – that’s what Gordon Brown said?) which hopefully will arrive in the afternoon.

Depending on how many drivers turn up, for France has stringent rules about how many hours a driver may work, they will then supervise despatching the coaches to Madrid.

Why are the coaches going to Calais first and not straight to Madrid? Well obviously that is where the rapid response team will be based, you couldn’t expect them to journey all the way to Spain could you, not when it’s taken them six days to get to Dover.

Assuming enough extra drivers turn up in Calais, the 50 – not 100 – coaches will reach Madrid a mere 84 hours after Gordon Brown said they would be there.

When they have rested, they will begin the return journey. When they have rested yet again, they will go back to Madrid.

At that point, Milliband will be able to announce with pride that Gordon was absolutely accurate when he said that 100 coaches would be rescuing passengers in Madrid.

Tonight all he could say was that his 3 Warships (two sitting in the bloody channel doing nothing) have managed to rescue the sum total of 266 civilians in addition to the troops who were threatening to give him a hung parliament he would never forget if he didn’t get them back home before next Thursday.

British Airways are trying to defy not only the Unions, but also the Government (how far is this the same thing?) and get their planes flying despite everything that Whelan and Brown’s devious minds can throw at them.

Some Britons are showing remarkable resilience and determination to get themselves home by their own efforts – however, even the streets of our small village are littered with drunken chavs loudly announcing that they have ‘no f***ing money left)’ (except for another round) (the B & Bs don’t expect to get paid, they have long since figured that one out!) and that it is up to the ‘f***ing government to sort something’.

Could be an interesting result. Seems to me that the voters who do manage to get themselves home unaided are unlikely to be Labour supporters – even if they were before they went on holiday.

The ones Gordon really needs home are the ones lying under the bar.

I wonder what orders the rapid response team will issue to the coach drivers as to who they let onto the coaches?

Could we be about to see scenes like the last days of Vietnam?

I hang my head in shame that I might have to produce my British passport someday.

1
Alan April 20, 2010 at 20:03

“Tonight all he could say was that his 3 Warships (two sitting in the bloody channel doing nothing)”

They are stopping the French from getting ideas. We are in peril. The nation has ceased to operate.* We are ripe for invasion.

* Again. Why does this keep happening? Fuel protests. 2001 terrorist attacks in the US. 2005 attacks in London. Foot and mouth. Foot and mouth. Flooding in the south.(nobody seemed all that bothered about the flooding in Yorkshire the weeks before…) Bad winter and no salt. Banking crisis. Etc. One beneficial crisis after another. The Government can pretend it is doing important stuff, the media lap it up, barely a squeak or murmur as we lose more money, more liberty and more privacy and everything goes quiet for 6 months before being repeated.

What the hell is wrong with this country?

2
Antisthenes April 20, 2010 at 20:05

You should be banned under the laughter act. I no my rights, under EU directive 1/dgf/12457 I am not allowed to laugh more than twice a month you are infringing my rights by making me laugh several times a day.

I shall report you to the laughter police, you will be smiling on the other side of your face when I have finished with you.

3
Sabot April 20, 2010 at 20:21

Oooh, I wonder what I did with my passport? Not that it matters, since not only can I not afford to cross The Channel, I don’t actually have any desire to do so.

Many, many moons ago I was informed by a Post Office Official, when The Passport Office was on strike, that I might not be allowed back into Britain if I didn’t have a valid passport. My reply is not printable, and I would like to apologise to the afore said Official since it wasn’t his fault. This happened in 1992. I haven’t changed my mind.

I don’t care who gets elected, and I don’t care of how much further down the pan Britain will go. It can’t get much worse. And as far as I can see, no decent man [or woman] will stand a hope in hells chance.

However, if the are going to repatriate people from The Continent, then at least let it be Labour supporters because we don’t want them here.

4
seamanstains April 20, 2010 at 20:53

Yes things have changed since I was in the mob. There would be no chance of squaddies getting on a ship for home while women and children stood at the quayside crying. And it wouldn’t matter if it was 6 months or 6 years they had been away fighting. I noticed a lot of people in turbans and veils accompanied the soldiers onto the ship to go home. Not making anything of it. Just saying. One had a set of crutches so was’ in need .’ Used his initiative. He’ll go far. Don’t we have any Hercules aircraft for evacuations these days or are they all sold off aswell ?

5
Sarbanes Oxley April 20, 2010 at 21:13

Airports to open at 22.00 tonight

The last insanity of Health & Safety Labour Government ?

6
John Pickworth April 21, 2010 at 00:54

I’m not surprised that the UK Government has swiftly decided to open up the skies again…. there was going to be one hell of a fuss in the morning if they hadn’t.

I’ve pretty much been watching the BBC News all day — yeah, I know, I know — but their account of the situation was very much different to the one that was reported by Channel4 News tonight (Tuesday).

BBC: Oh dear, what a shame, big volcano, no flying, European skies closed, too dangerous. And here’s a story a about some kids/grannies that took a 14 hour taxi ride from (insert obscure European backwater).

Or….

Channel4 News: German pilots given sole discretion to fly or not, Air France to fly 100% of their fleet, Euro Weather Service showing ash cloud out in mid-Atlantic only, European skies clear, airlines telling their authorities to get stuffed.

You can catch it here: Channel4 News Tuesday (part one)
Entire piece is excellent but watch from 13 minutes in to see how the rest of the world is getting on.

I’m amazed that the Beeb didn’t report any of this. They’re clearly batting for Brown and happy to stoke up yet another crisis of Gordon proportions.

And you know what? I still think there’s going to be one hell of a fuss about this entire episode and the way its been handled.

7
Uncle Marvo April 21, 2010 at 08:53

Wicked piece, Raccoon. Is it all true?

My two penn’orth:

Problem – some people are stranded, not sure how many, what to do.

Solution – tell the Boss of the Navy to rescue them.

Gordon’s solution – work out a plan and then tell the Boss of the Navy HOW to rescue them.

First solution seemed better to me.

8
Anna Raccoon April 21, 2010 at 09:24

Unfortunately yes, Marvo, all facts and figures taken directly from Goverment press releases……..

9
Alan April 21, 2010 at 11:43

Brown is so busy telling everyone else how to do their job (based on what his advisors have found using Google I would guess) he isn’t doing his.

He isn’t my boss. He should stop acting like it.

10
Sabot April 21, 2010 at 13:40

What a sadly missed opportunity for an adventure for some. I almost wish I had been there to prove I could do it.

My own adventure was enacted some years ago now, and I was hot footing in the opposite direction. Much more sensible if you ask me.

11
Demetrius April 21, 2010 at 15:47

Hello sailor?

12
Brian April 21, 2010 at 16:26

Couldn’t the RAF have brought some Chinooks and Merlins back from Afghanistan to sort the problem out? After all, there is an election on.
And why didn’t the British Embassy in Madrid hire 100 Spanish coaches to take the travellers northwards? I’m only thinking of the saving in carbon footprint that the Millimetre brothers blether on about.