I read both the Sunday Mail and the Sunday Times of a Sunday morning. The Abbot says I should not do this, because it causes my blood pressure to become even higher than normal, and a form of Tourettes syndrome has on occasions broken out, thus disturbing Vespers. But I can’t help it.

After reading about the unemployed Somali asylum seeker with his wife and seven children living in a £3,000,000 house in Kensington courtesy of my taxes (grind and nashing of teeth!) and the Chairwoman of the Office for Standards of Education (qualifications and salary, please! Hours of work? Pension?) who has declared that it is important for every school to have a few sub standard teachers because of the ubiquitous “need to reflect society” (note to local police – recruit some criminals in order to better “reflect society”) I was just about to head down to the lake and jump in, even though the carp would be a bit alarmed. I like the carp – I find them both soothing to watch and tasty to eat. But I digress.

I was saved from my watery end by an interesting article in the aforesaid Mail on Sunday which lead me to pause and reflect, and hope that things might not always be as bad as they appear in print (although I suspect they are).

It caused me to cast my mind back to the last time when, in my incarnation as a humble advocate, I had occasion to be involved in a case which interested the press. In simple terms I obtained an order for possession in respect of a small flat in London. The result of this modest piece of litigation was a blaring headline in the local paper along the lines, as I remember, of this:

“Bullying landlord evicts woman cancer sufferer!”

A long diatribe by the woman’s husband followed. How she had been too ill to come to court or speak on the record now; how they had lived at this flat for 15 years and always paid the rent; how the flat was near the local hospital; how it was essential that she stayed there because she could not travel far; how the landlord was merely motivated by profit and the desire to get a better rent. To quote from The King and I, “Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”

As the Spear of Terror in the hands of the landlord responsible for this injustice, I was profoundly concerned for my misdeed. Or rather I would have been, if it had been in any way approximate to the truth. The husband in question was, for want of a better word, a crook, running a dodgy business from a local factory. Neither he nor his wife had in reality lived at the flat for a good six or seven years. He had made a good deal of money on a property deal, and they had decamped to a leafy semi in a posh area some miles away. He kept the flat on (at a statutorily controlled low rent) to use as accommodation for one of the badly paid managers in his nearby factory, thus facilitating a tax dodge as well as underpaying his employee. His wife had indeed been treated for cancer at the hospital – which was in fact nearer to their new home – but, thank goodness, was in remission. The landlord was an extremely charming old chap who just thought that low rent accommodation should be properly used for people who actually needed it. His wife had been distressed by nasty threatening letters from said crook, by the way.

So, all in all, not quite as it appeared in the local rag.

Back to the Mail on Sunday.

Both my sanity the sanitary integrity of the lake were saved by a short article.  At page 42 I found this impressive headline:

“We’ve Found King Arthur’s Round Table”

In this intriguing piece, we discover that an historian, Mr Christopher Gidlow, says that “researchers” have been able to pinpoint the Round Table as being a metaphor for the Roman Amphitheatre in Chester, which therefore equals Camelot. The article quotes Mr Gidlow as follows:

“And we know that one of Arthur’s two main battles was fought at a town referred to as the City of the Legions (sic). There were only two places with this title. One was St Albans but the location of the other was unknown…”

He continues:

“In the 6^th Century, a monk named Gildas, who wrote the earliest account of Arthur’s life, referred to both the City of the Legions and to a martyr’s shrine within it. That’s the clincher. The discovery of the shrine within the amphitheatre means that Chester was the site of King Arthur’s court….”

Well, it is always nice to receive a mention, Mr Gidlow. All publicity is good publicity, as they say. So thank you very much. But, (ahem) there are one or two inaccuracies there.

First, I don’t recall anyone at the time calling what you refer St Albans as “the City of the Legions”. We just called it Verulamium! A pleasant little place in the Gin and Chariot commuter belt, as I recall, nicely rebuilt after Boudicca had radically revised both its street plan and its citizens about four hundred years before my time.

Anyone at the time would have known that the “City of the Legion” (singular) was the nickname for what you now call Chester. It was next to what had been a sacred Druid site where they carried out their ritual wife swapping and general depravity and which we used to call “Hollyoaks”.  Of course it had a shrine in the Amphitheatre. There were always sacrifices before, during, and after the fun!

And I most unequivocally did not write an account of “Arthur’s” (as you put it) life. If you are thinking of my most published work, De Excidio Britanniae (On the Ruin of Britain – it’s rather good, you know!) you will see that it concerns much wider matters concerning the policies and the corruption of the Romano British kings, and the reason for the collapse of the Romano British state before the Saxon invaders – themes  which actually have quite distinct parallels today, but which are usually ignored (another time, soon perhaps). Indeed I did not write of “Arthur” at all as I recall, at least nor directly, but did mention the great Ambrosius Aurelianus, who was indeed “Dux Bellorum” – Leader in Battles, and of “Arth”, which is in Welsh, “the Bear.”

I think, Mr Gidlow, you may be confusing me with the much later author Nennius, but he was a good two hundred years after I was in my prime, and he did have a reputation for what you would call “sexing up” a good story. In fact, some referred to him as him “Alistairus Campelloni”.

You see, when you get to my age you realise there’s nothing  new under (or in!) The Sun.

I merely mention these matters to suggest that perhaps, we shouldn’t take everything we read in the papers as the Lord’s complete Gospel.

Mind you, I am still seething!

Anyway, Mr Gidlow, if you really wanted to know of “Arthur” and “Camelot”, I could have saved you a lot of time and trouble. You only had to ask……

Gildas the Monk

Gildas July 14, 2010 at 13:00

Correct Sir!
G the M

Craig
W July 14, 2010 at 11:46

There were three cities in Roman Britain established to house a legion.
Chester, Caerleon, and Eboracum (now called York). Another was planned at
Perth after the defeat of the Caledonians at Mons Graupius but abandoned
before being properly occupied. Don’t know why St Albans comes into this, the
southeast was pacified after Boudicca and the legions moved north and west to
the previous mentioned cities.

On the other hand it’s about King Arthur, so anything goes I suppose…

Gildas July 14, 2010 at 09:17

Sadly, it’s no longer mine. Got into a bit of trouble with the building
society, don’t you know….
Actually, I’d love to go back and see the old
place
Gildas the Monk

Eleanor July 14, 2010 at 14:53

Can you bring me a jar of Branston Pickle. It costs a fortune here.

Gildas July 13, 2010 at 21:10

Dear Eleanor – yes, that was my gaff! A little holiday home I bought after
I sold the film rights to De Excidio etc to Hollywood. I had quite forgotten
after all these years. Old Biuezy (or Old Boozy, as we used to call him) and I
spent many a night on the apple cider there. Sad end, although fitting,
because I distinctly remember that one morning after a particularly hard night
on rough 2 star Metaxa he did say he felt like he’d been hit in the head by an
f******g axe (his words, not mine!). The power of prophesy indeed is a
wonderful thing!
And yes we did do the Intermarche for cheap
plonk!
Thanks for the reminder!
Gildas the Monk

Eleanor July 13, 2010 at 21:29

Je vous en prie. Give us a shout next time you’re over.

Gildas July 13, 2010 at 22:21

Oh, My Dear Eleanor!
I would love that, but things are a little
difficult at the moment.
I am afraid Gildas the Monk has fallen on hard
times.
I do miss France very much, and thank you for your
kindness.
Je vous en prie.
Gildas

Eleanor
July 14, 2010 at 08:14

I can let the place out for you if you like. Bound to be loads of
takers.
I know plenty of mad Brits who would love to pay good money
for a river side hovel with no mod cons and and a bloody great rock
overhead. I could probably let it to Anna and Mr. Raccoon if you get a
Broad Band Connection. They like a bit of back to nature.

20% and I’m your man. All complaints dealt with effectively.

Eleanor July 13, 2010 at 18:43

So what is that place down the road from me called L’Ermitage de St. Gilda.
It says you was there with St. Bieuzy, him of the axe in his head.

Or was this just a holiday home and a stopping off place for the your
Channel crossings to Intermarche for cheap booze?

Bugger (the
Panda) July 12, 2010 at 22:07

Gildas July 12, 2010 at 22:20

Don’t get me going B th G
I’m already clogging up the
site/internet!
There are various sites…………….
G

Gloria Smudd
July 12, 2010 at 21:04

I do like what you write, dear Sir,
Good Gildas, called The Monk,
And
find that what you’re thinking
I oft myself have thunk
But gulped and
dithered to express
In wit-encrusted prose
Or measured, reasoned
argument
If topic-such arose:

I’ve added you to those I watch
And wait for you to say
What’s sprung
to your attention
From the matters of the day.
I care that you miss
Vespers
If you plunge into a lake
But more than that I care to
hear
What is ‘Our Gildas’* take

On ‘What The Papers Say Today’
And what they’ll say tomorrow
And
whether we’re all glad Moat’s dead
Or all should sob with sorrow,
And I
like that you can pin-point
With humour, grace and wit
That Arfur and
his table
Well, they ain’t been found just yit!

I’ve always liked the Raccoon
And I read her every day
And she’s
another person
Who says what I can’t say
In time to be ‘on-topic’
As
I take two days to write
Something melancholic
Instead of a
“blog-bite”

And I also like The Moaner
(lenko to you and me)
Who writes some very
funny stuff
Occ-ay-zi-on-all-eee**
And now to mind springs Harry
Hill
Who’s oft caught in a tight
Spot concerning who is best…
And so
he starts a “Fight!”

* Punctuation Pedants jump in here
** I know, it’s v. poor.

Anna
Raccoon July 12, 2010 at 21:07

*standing ovation*
Vintage Smudd.

Gildas July 12, 2010 at 21:44

Oh! I am so touched by that Gloria! Thank you so much! Really, I just
write this for a bit of fun and therapy at a time of some worry, and I am
so grateful for Anna for publishing it and to anyone who reads it. Thank
you again.
By the way, the story of the case about the flat is
absolutely true, and the history is almost completely right. In fact “my”
book had a slightly longer title – De Excidio et Conquestu Britanniae (Of
the Fall and Conquest of Britain) and I was slightly inaccurate in one
fact, but the rest is historically true. Except about Hollyoaks of
course.
For completeness, I add a couple of points. Gildas (@500 – 570
AD) was (is!) a monk who is the closest written historical source to the
time of “Arthur”. At least in Latin. The first great victory of “Arthur”
over the Saxons is the battle of Badon – which was certainly real event
and which Gildas identifies as having happened in the year of his birth –
but we have to be generous with the dates. He does not name “Arthur” as
the leader but rather Ambrosius, a Roman British leader who appears to
have imperial links, for “his parents wore the purple”. But this may be
explicable. In those days, leaders in war oft adopted a battle name – The
Dragon, The Bull, The Boar, The Bear – or, in Welsh – “Arth” – you can do
the maths.
He was known as “Gildas the Wise” and probably lived in the
South West, or South Wales.
One final point. Gildas did not write a
history of Arthur or anything else as such. Annoyingly, he wrote a polemic
about why the country was in a terrible state from a religious point of
view and it contains tantalising clues about fact- but not quite enough.
However, there is one short passage of his book which sums up modern
Britain. I will blog it soon enough.
For, as my friend Gildas would say
– truly brothers and sisters, there is nothing new under the sun.
Thank
you for the compliments and I enjoyed the poetry
“Gildas the Monk “

Gildas
July 12, 2010 at 22:03

Goodness, I do go on a bit!

Gloria
Smudd July 12, 2010 at 22:05

Yez. Yoo duz!

Gloria
Smudd July 12, 2010 at 22:05

Oi dizzn’t bovver very much
Wiv ‘voze ooo izzn’t witty
Accept
the pray-eeze Mr Monk
Although ve verze aint pritty.

The End.

Gildas July 12, 2010 at 20:21

I would have to say, Demetrius, that I would respectfully disagree with
that as an analysis. Clearly the Romano British state was, if not a cultural
melting pot, diverse. Trade and the profession of arms brought people from all
over the Empire and beyond – and vica versa. Hence we find the grave of a
Dalmatian (I think) cavalryman or legionnaire at Hadrian’s wall, for example
(could be wrong on the detail – but you get my drift). Now it is clear that
there had been Germanic recruits to the Legions and the Auxiliaries, and I do
not discount that this may have even been the case in respect of the Legions
based in Britain. However, my understanding is that by the end of the Empire
the British based legions were in fact largely raised from these Isles, and
indeed they so called “British” Legionnaries were highly regarded for their
courage.
In my view population pressure, the lure of better land, a sort of
open door policy on immigration rather than being self sufficient (handing
over the defence of the realm against Pictish and Scottish raiding to foreign
mercenaries) and a weak and corrupt state were the more pertinent
factors.
As I hint above, there may be ready parallels with the present
day, upon which “Gildas” may opine in due course!
Thanks for the
comment
“G”

Demetrius July 12,
2010 at 16:12

What do you think of the thesis that before the collapse of Roman authority
in Britain they had already created a substantial basis for further migration
from northern Europe amongst the Germanic and other recruits to both Legions
and Auxiliaries never mind sundry traders and skilled workers? Of course for
later writers boatloads of warriors doing exciting things is more attention
grabbing and there is no doubt there were numbers of them. Sinister dexter,
sinister dexter, sinister dexter……….

PT July 12, 2010 at 12:37

Gildas July 12, 2010 at 20:04

A Feminist revision of Arthurian lore? Well, I’ve seen much more far
fetched theories than that! And why not?
Gildas the Monk