Marmgate is over. The threat to the British nation posed by one web site, belonging to one supermarket, no longer offering to deliver a jar of Marmite that very day, has been lifted. Never in the history of half eaten jars of distinctly unpalatable foodstuffs having to be sourced from other shops has the British nation so thoroughly debated the threat to our wellbeing.
Brexiteers swarmed to the social media barricades; outraged that such an iconic product was being ‘imported’ and was now threatened by our decision to leave the EU. Our very health was being dictated by a ‘foreign food company’ and the EU imposing a tariff on dear old Marmite. Children would have rickets before you knew it; the life expectancy of the elderly slashed in half; the very identity of what it means to be British – lost for ever.
In vain did a few brave souls attempt to point out that Marmite was made in Burton-on-Trent, where it had always been made, since an enterprising chap discovered that rather than pay a carter to take away the waste product of Bass beer, with a bit of clever advertising, he could persuade the British public to eat it up – and pay him for the privilege.
He was German of course; Justus Liebig – they are past masters at getting the British public to pay up and eat up their leftovers. To wit the pink slurry laced with sodium nitrate, squeezed into a condom, sold to us as Wiener Würstchen, or ‘Frankfurters’. For the German market, a more palatable concoction was dreamt up – VITAM-R without the artery clogging salt content, nor the residue of barley and wheat which stops Marmite appealing to the Gluten free market.
Watching the ‘Leavers’ on the paid subscription site of The Times article on Marmageddon work themselves into a lather in a 600 comment thread demanding that Article 50 be invoked NOW! Right now! and ownership of this foreign invented product be returned to the safety of these shores and no longer at the whim of the euro exchange market was a joy to behold.
Comments on a Times article rarely go much beyond 6 or 7 comments. You have to pay around £30 a month for the privilege of being able to comment. You have to comment under your own name – discouraging those wedded to the idea of calling themselves ‘The Constipated Midget’ rather than revealing their mother’s unimaginative bequest of plain John Smith no doubt has something to do with it. It needs to be a national emergency of Marmageddon proportions to inspire so many.
Elsewhere in the world, we do have a genuine Armageddon under way. Rebel-held parts of Aleppo have been devastated by Russian bombing. Barrel bombs have virtually razed the city to the ground; nightly we are exhorted to say something, do something, as the film crews expertly seek out a small child clutching a teddy bear wandering in the ruins. Lily Allen bursts into tears from the emotive effort of apologising to the Syrian population on behalf of the British public.
“We cannot just see Aleppo pulverised in this way, we have to do something,” Boris Johnson told a Commons committee.
Spokesperson for our Official Opposition party, Seumas Milnetov, said only:
“The focus on Russian atrocities or Syrian army atrocities I think sometimes diverts attention from other atrocities that are taking place.”
Like a Marmite shortage presumably.
Corbyn’s waffle about ‘Stop the War’ and his desire to disarm Britain, and remove all support for Nato, suggests to some that he is a cuddly anti-war conscientious objector. He is not. He will support Hamas, the IRA, the Cubans, anybody and everybody who opposes the US. In Syria’s case, the aggressor is Assad and The Russian Federation. Those who seek to depose them, the ‘rebels’, are therefore ‘bad’ people. That child with a teddy bear wandering in the smoking ruins is just collateral damage in Jezza’s ideological battleground.
According to a Sky Poll, 53% of the British public believe that we should intervene in Syria; quite what form that intervention (and with what? chocolate fighter jets?) should take is even more interesting.
Because 51% don’t think we should get involved if it means ‘engaging with Russian troops’. I can only assume that they are quite happy if we intervene and shoot American jets out of the sky.
They cannot be Syrias, as John McEnroe would say.
A whole 9 people, nine, were moved to comment on our possible involvement in Aleppo. Armageddon just isn’t as sexy as Marmageddon.
Raccoonistas have so far shown themselves to have admirable restraint over Marmageddon – are they any more engaged than Times readers in the prospect of us wandering into Armageddon?