Yet again, the latest example of the manipulation of our judicial system lies languishing in my ‘to do’ folder; and Ms Raccoon has found three more titbits of absolute nonsense in order to distract herself from the hard work of putting an unbelievably complex case into 1000 odd words. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow.
First to the world of abnegation and victual flagellation, purification and sanctimony that is Vegan land. Ms Raccoon went to a vegetarian school. There we had to sup our nettle soup, and munch our cashew nuts and organic bean shoots, at long tables decorated at intervals with pictures of bloodied pigs being prepared by burly men with long knives for the production of delicious bacon butties. I think the intention was to put us off eating meat – it left Ms Raccoon with a life long yearning for bacon sarnies and flashbacks every time I see a bag of yellowing soya bean shoots, dripping with pre-fermentation condensation, on a supermarket shelf.
Such is their dedication to self-purification, that some engage in Seitanic practices. They gather in yurts late at night, wearing garments made of hemp. Taking a bag of bread flour, they mix it with water, turn it into dough (and get extra points if the resultant mess look a ‘like a floppy wet monkey‘ – I kid you not) stick it in the fridge, (a problem in your average yurt) spend an hour or so washing the starch out of this disgusting mess, add vitamin B12 if they wish to stay alive, since they’re not getting any from animal sources, Soy sauce is recommended at this stage if you are seriously intending to eat your ‘wet floppy monkey’. Such is the life of a Seitanic worshipper.
Many vegans become paranoid label-readers, blocking the aisles as they check whether that carrot was grown in land fertilised with good old cow dung, or whether the grower was thoughtful enough to have transported phosphate thousands of carbon footprint miles from the environmentally kaput island of Nauru to keep his soil in growing order. Between a rock and a hard place, my Vegan friends.
There is some surprisingly good news on the Vegan front though. An end to those plastic flip-flops with their worrying traces of animal products in the manufacturing process. No more handbag envy as you trip down Bond Street with your rough hewn sack o’er your shoulder. Tina Gorjanc has filed an application to patent, as she describes it, “bioengineered genetic material that is grown in the lab using tissue-engineering technology and the process of de-extinction.” De-extinction allows you to extract genetic material from a deceased source.
Would you like that in plain English? She is working with a laboratory to produce ‘lab-grown’ sustainable skin for the manufacturer of darling little handbags and nifty little jackets for chilly yurt-nights – from human DNA. Not just any old human DNA, but deceased fashion icon Alexander McQueen’s DNA.
I can see this idea taking off. Why settle for a synthetic imitation of Lenin’s cap when you could have one grown from the DNA of the great man himself? Can you imagine the comfort to be derived from having the great man’s scrotum recrafted to fit snugly round your tonsured cranium?
The middle eastern insult of showing the sole of your foot towards your enemy, could be enhanced tenfold by the victorious wearing the soles made from the DNA of the vanquished souls…’R Soles R Us’. (h/t to Joe Public!)
My imagination is running riot now – an end to Branson’s monopoly of the Vegan condom market (oh, he never misses a trick!) Imagine condoms made from Elvis’…..
OK. Time I moved on, methinks.
To Harrogate, where the Great Yorkshire Show is showcasing the finest practices and physical prowess in farming and countryside matters, untainted by the nastiness and cheating that accompanies the human Olympics. Or maybe not.
‘Peak Goldwyn Rhapsody’, a nine year old cow from Yasmin Bradbury, Buxton was disqualified after dark allegations of ‘udder enhancement’ – a problem which has dogged the Miss World competition for years.
‘Peak’ was stripped of her title, sent home in disgrace, and the runner-up, a tearful ‘Newbirks Jazz 1584’ installed as Holstein champion.
‘Newbirks’ is looking forward to travelling the world and raising awareness of Veganism.
Samsung has registered a patent in Korea for a contact lens that will also include a tiny camera, motion sensors and transmitter.
Imagine! No longer will you have to look down at that annoying smartphone in your hand, now those Pokémon creatures will dance before your very eyes!
As will the citations for the fifteen cases you needed to memorise for your law finals…
Watch porn unnoticed whilst presiding over yet another case of maritime contract law in a stuffy courtroom.
You can have SatNav delivered to your very eyeballs!
That letter on your boss’s desk that is irritatingly upside down and you would just love to know what it says? Blink, you’ve captured it on camera; at home you can simply turn the image upside down and read at your leisure.
That FBI infiltrator into the drug smuggling gang that has been strip searched for ‘wires’? A thing of the past.
Now, look into my eyes…
All this talk of bacon butties! – I’m off. See you tomorrow.