According to this, they should be in that parliament building over there running the country….

It’s the latest craze. It’s an augmented reality game that uses your phone’s camera and GPS. How do you play? By doing a lot of walking in Central London!

Pokémon is centered on 650 fictional figures known as ‘Pokémontitions’ which voters catch and train to battle each other for the position of ‘Leader’. Voters, known as human ‘Pokémontition Trainers’, have to catch and train these ‘Leaders’ in order to do battle with each other to run the country. In simple terms, Pokémontition Go uses your phone’s GPS and clock to detect where and when you are in the game and make Pokémontitions ‘appear’ around you (on your phone screen) so you can go and catch them before they resign.

A Trainer that encounters a wild Pokémontition is able to capture it by throwing a specially designed, mass-produced paper tool called a ‘vote’ at it. If the Pokémontition is unable to escape the confines of the Vote, it is officially considered to be under the ownership of that Trainer. Afterwards, it will obey whatever its new master commands, unless the Trainer demonstrates such bigotry, stupidity, and lack of understanding of the Pokémontition’s career that the Pokémontition would rather act on its own accord.

Pokémontitions already owned by other Trainers cannot be captured, except under special circumstances in certain games. If, for instance, a ‘Leader’ has left the room, the rules can be changed, to ensure that none of the ‘new’ votes for it can be counted, even though they paid £3 each to ensure that the dozy fictitious creature got to rule the world.

One of the consistent aspects of the Pokémontition games is the choice of one of three different Pokémontitions at the start of the voter’s adventures; these three are often labeled ‘starter Pokémon’. Players can choose a Tory-type, a Labour-type, or a rare Lib-Dem-type. Voters keen to capture a Pokémontition for their team can be seen wandering the streets, thumping head first into lamp posts, remaining stationary when the lights turn green, even chasing an imaginary Pokémontition round their wife’s Labour ward, apparently under the impression that this was the best place to capture a ‘Labour-type’.

One unfortunate voter in America captured a Pokémontition floating across a lake – only to discover that it had been dead for several days. How they could tell, I have no idea.

Various marketing groups have been quick to cotton onto the craze – and have contacted the manufacturers to offer money for the right to be denoted a Pokémontition ‘hot spot’ where extra votes can be purchased. These are shown on your iPhone with a special pink light. Thieves have been known to gather in these areas in order to rob vulnerable players whilst they are distracted staring at their iPhone trying to work out who is still standing in their on-line election.

Come July, there will be a special voting button available to wear on your wrist. (Please remember to remove your virtue signalling wristband first, these can interrupt the signal) Waterproof, so quite safe at Glastonbury, and if you happen to spot a Pokémontition glugging down the Thatcher’s, you can vote quickly before it disappears into a darkened Yurt.

These new wrist buttons will cost £25 and won’t work for the first six months – but that is all part of the fun of the game.

Prime Pokémontition’s Question Time will begin at midday – iPhones at the ready now folks – the creatures will be changing shape and loyalties faster than you can ‘swipe’ left or right.