iPorn, iPads and iPandas…
The Chinese government has long kept tight reins on both main stream media and social media to maintain its authority. Tactics include monitoring systems and firewalls, blocking websites, and jailing journalists and bloggers who seek to circumvent the ‘Great Firewall of China’.
In other respects it is surprisingly liberal.
Whilst those of us in the West, who have a taste for such things, are confined to short snatches of footage from a Viennese zoo of two Pandas mating…
Chinese ‘netizens’ can sit down to hours upon hours of live footage from the Wanglang State national reserve of will he/won’t he, will she/won’t she Pandas doing what Pandas rarely do. In public anyway; Pandas being more reticent than your average Geordie on shore leave.
The Pandas weren’t keen on the idea of engaging in ‘Pandering’, the Chinese version of ‘Dogging’; they had to be persuaded:
In the early years, “only 20 percent of the pandas could have sex naturally. To motivate male pandas’ sex drive, researchers let them watch videos of other pandas mating” and fed them an aphrodisiac, said Zhang Heming, the panda centre’s chief.
For two entire days the population were glued to CNTV (China Central Network Television) special ‘iPanda’ channel, waiting for a rare glimpse of Chinese porn – finally in the early hours of Sunday morning, the bleary eyed citizens were treated to exactly 4 minutes 30 seconds worth of ‘Tracy’ and ‘Wugang Cheng Gong’ pandering….
Be too bad if you’d chosen those few minutes to go and put the chop suey on…
Sadly female Pandas are know for their ability to make false allegations:
Experts say clever pandas display behaviour similar to pregnancy to improve their quality of life after they notice the difference in treatment. Generally speaking, giant pandas thought to be pregnant are moved into single rooms with air conditioning and round-the clock care and also receive more fruit and bamboo. Their trickery is found out when their behaviour and physiological indexes return to normal.
Some pandas have apparently learned to take advantage of a good opportunity and enjoy the finer things while they can.
‘Operation Bamboo’ is probably interviewing ‘Wugang Cheng Gong’ as we speak. Approximately 3.4 million viewers will vouch for the fact that Tracy consented.
- david
April 7, 2016 at 2:28 pm -
China’s treatment of panda’s is good, unlike the way they treat other animals. dogs and cats skinned alive, or thrown into boiling water.
I do not think we should be trading with China, and we need to breed more panda’s in the West.
The only thing I buy from China is Bamboo Extract tablets, which is the best form of silica, but I am quite willing to get my bamboo extract from another source.- The Blocked Dwarf
April 7, 2016 at 2:58 pm - Ho Hum
April 7, 2016 at 3:26 pm -
So this silica stuff, that’s a sort of iWood additive, is it?
- david
April 7, 2016 at 3:45 pm -
Immunostimulation-Mediated Anti-tumor Activity of Bamboo (Sasa senanensis) Leaf Extracts Obtained Under ‘Vigorous’ Condition http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2892347/
- Ho Hum
April 7, 2016 at 4:36 pm -
Is that better for the morning, or evening, variety?
- Ed P
April 7, 2016 at 6:29 pm -
Wonderfully obscure pseudo-scientific stuff! Of course, if it really worked, it would be adopted by mainstream medicine.
“What do you call Alternative Medicine which really works?” Medicine!- david
April 7, 2016 at 7:34 pm -
No, you are wrong. The Queen and Prince Philip use ‘only’ alternative medicine, (apart from operations), and they are still working in their 90s, when most of their subjects, if they are still alive, are living in nursing homes.
Personally I have no problem with mainstream medicine, although I have, ‘never’, used it myself, but it should still be backed up with alternative medicine. Most people have no idea how their body works, what nutrients a ‘human’ needs, and how herbs, vitamins, minerals etc work.
- The Blocked Dwarf
April 7, 2016 at 7:52 pm -
Whilst I think a great deal of alternative or complimentary ‘medicine’ is at best well meaning BS and at worst criminal deception, I have now been taking astaxanthin now for over a month and I am seeing results that I cannot ascribe to ‘magical thinking’. So thanks again for bringing it to my attention ( I mean that ‘thanks’ genuinely btw).
- david
April 7, 2016 at 8:03 pm -
I would recommend astaxanthin to Anna, I am pleased you are having good results.
- david
- Snook
April 12, 2016 at 6:25 pm -
The healthy longevity of the cherished royal couple wouldn’t have anything to do with living a life of absolute luxury would it?
I imagine not having to ever lift a finger to support oneself, immediate access to the best doctors in the world etc would add years to anyone’s life.
- David
April 13, 2016 at 8:53 am -
No, their ‘healthy longevity’ has got nothing to do with ‘living a life of absolute luxury’, or ‘not having to ever lift a finger to support oneself’. most super wealthy people live quite short lives through lack of exercise. ‘Immediate access to the best doctors in the world’ does not usually help the super-wealthy to live longer, and still be working in their 9’0s either.
As I said they do not use mainstream medicine, except for operations, (in case we get the usual homeopathic operation jokes).
The Queen can tell you the names of all the nutrients in any food. She can tell you what all the herbs do, oils, etc. The Royal horses, dogs, cattle are also treated by ‘alternative medicine’.So you are completely wrong. Perhaps you are one who knows more about how your car works, than how your body works?
Perhaps you are one who knows nothing about nutrients, herbs, vitamins etc, one who just eats and drinks, but when ill ‘pops along to the doctor, demanding a ‘cure’ ?- windsock
April 13, 2016 at 8:57 am -
Of course, it’s no accident the QM lived as long as she did… I think they are part of some clandestine breeding programme – not David Icke’s Lizard People, more Robert Heinlein’s “Methuselah’s Children”.
- windsock
- David
- The Blocked Dwarf
- david
- Ho Hum
- Don Cox
April 8, 2016 at 12:58 pm -
More like sand than wood. Most sand (and quartz) is made of silica, which is Silicon Dioxide.
Presumably the silica particles in grasses such as bamboo are much smaller than sand grains, but I don’t see why you would want them in your body if you could avoid it. Cows and Pandas have to tolerate it as best they can.
- Ho Hum
April 8, 2016 at 10:45 pm -
I’m not sure I’d make it as a stand up comedian.
Explaining the jokes would take much longer than telling them.
- Ho Hum
- david
- Mrs Grimble
April 7, 2016 at 7:25 pm -
“Dogs and cats skinned alive” That’s a lo s d of bollards David, grat big bollards.
The claim comes from a single film, shot in China (allegedly), by a pair of animal rights activists which showed a dog being cruelly skinned alive by an alleged fur-seller. I keep saying “alleged” because the film-makers always refused to say where they hsd filmed, a lways refused to show the unused film footage and then quickly disappeared, leaving the film up on Youtube to be shared around by horrified animal-lovers.
Anyone who has ever had anything to do with skinning animals, whether for food or fur, will tell you thete are three very good reasons for not doing live-skinning. First there’s the obvious ethicsl concern; second, the blood will spoil the fur; third, there’s the sheer difficulty in removing the skin from a struggling, screaming creature – as, ironically, the film itself demonstrated!- david
April 7, 2016 at 7:37 pm -
I agree, they usually throw them live into boiling water.
- david
April 7, 2016 at 7:45 pm -
Mrs. Grimble, Perhaps you have been to the Yulin ‘meat’ festival is where thousands of dogs and cat are eaten?
- Adrian
April 8, 2016 at 9:20 pm -
I loved the kitten tikka masala
- Adrian
- JuliaM
April 8, 2016 at 7:08 am -
“Anyone who has ever had anything to do with skinning animals, whether for food or fur, will tell you thete are three very good reasons for not doing live-skinning. First there’s the obvious ethicsl concern…”
Yes, that’s foremost in the mind of Chinese cooks, I’m sure… *rolls eyes*
- Snook
April 12, 2016 at 6:31 pm -
What planet do you live on? Have you ever heard of the Yulin dog meat festival? I suggest you Google it.
Skinning alive (apparently easier with a live animal), boiling alive and a speciality, a blow torch at intervals on a live dog.
If you bother to make the most cursory search then you will know these barbarians think the more painful and prolonged the death, the more tender the meat.- Make It Stop
April 18, 2016 at 5:47 pm -
The animals are beaten with sticks, often metal poles, dogs, tend to be then scorched with a blowtorch to remove the fur – they are usually conscious, they are then scalded whilst still alive, this makes the skin come off more easily. Then they are skinned alive and often filleted alive too. It is a point of “pride” if the butcher can get the animal to the stove, whilst it’s still alive and in unspeakable agony.
Sometimes a dog or cat meat trader will suspend the skinned and still alive animal up in the air, the purpose, to attract more customers.
- Make It Stop
- Make It Stop
April 18, 2016 at 5:37 pm -
Mrs Grimble, the evidence of the brutal dog/cat eating festival in Yulin have been shown to be true.
Dogs and cats who are often stolen pets – still wearing their ID collars are beaten with sticks, then scalded in a pot of boiling water, then skinned alive.
It doesn’t just happen in Yulin. In Guandong there are many, many successful cat and dog meat restaurents. The 1995 TV documentary “Man & Animal” directed by Antony Thomas, filmed this horrific cruelty. The kitchen of the restaurant was filled with dying cats, some broken by the beating and wating in a bin (still alive) to be scalded. Even whilst scalding, one white cat (who was being held by heavy metal tongs) was STILL being beaten over the head as it’s poor body boiled. Amazingly, still alive, the brutal savage who was tasked with preparing this poor animal, cut a nick in the cat’s nose, then slipped off the whole skin of the animal, then threw it into a vat of cold water. The director commented on screen, “that cat is still alive” The scenes where the cat was filleted, whilst still alive, was omitted. But it did exist.
Wet markets are still rife in China. You can attend, pick the stolen, starving, terrified and live animal and watch it butched in the most cruel way imaginable.
I believe Mrs Grimble, that if you chose to open your eyes to the actual hell that animals in China endure, you would change your view that accounts of live skinning in China are just some silly story made up by activists.
Many animals are beaten, scalded and skinned alive, be it for fur or food. Many, many tufts of cat and dog fur are attached to fashionable clothing and accessories, but they aren’t always labelled. Keep an eye out. Where do you think this fur came from?
There’s nothing that causes more suffering for animals than human beings turning away, sticking their fingers in their ears and pretending that these horrors do not happen all for the sake of pushing their own ideology. You may not like animal rights activists, but your post indicates that there is a great need for those brave enough, to continue gathering real evidence.
Many television companies have reported over the years, the horrors for animals in China, including the Yulin festival.
Cats & Dogs are routinely beaten, scalded and skinned alive in China. I have seen it for myself and not on Youtube.
Mrs Grimble, there is a world of evidence out there (not just on the internet) that proves this abuse of animals in China, Vietnam and Korea (South) It’s up to you to go out and examine this evidence. That will help animals, grandstanding that it’s just AR rubbish, helps no one. Not even you.
- david
- The Blocked Dwarf
- Antisthenes
April 7, 2016 at 3:46 pm -
Wonderful. You really can tell ’em. I am never going to tick the “Notify me of follow-up comments by email” box again I spent the last few days emptying my in box. My word you have a large following. You deserve it.
- Mudplugger
April 7, 2016 at 4:06 pm -
Surprised there’s no allegation of ‘domestic violence’, what with those terribly black eyes that Tracy has. Maybe she should call S&G while she still can.
- The Blocked Dwarf
April 7, 2016 at 4:38 pm -
Tracy the Panda says:” I always use S&G Stock Certificates for lining my litter tray. They are more absorbent than their share price! “
- The Blocked Dwarf
- Cloudberry
April 7, 2016 at 8:49 pm -
Love the bit about female pandas faking pregnancy to get special treatment!
- david
April 7, 2016 at 9:00 pm -
“I drink Champagne when I win, to celebrate…
And I drink Champagne when I lose, to console myself.”
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 – 1873) - Misa
April 8, 2016 at 3:10 am -
Anna, (pedant alert) the television network, China Central Television is known as CCTV. It has a mandate to broadcast 15+ channels of unmitigated tedium 24 hours a day (hope I’ve translated that correctly). Pandering is well within its remit.
Pretending to be ‘in the family way’ in order to gain comforts is not a tactic unique to the panda. It’s a familiar meme in Chinese culture, famously exploited by a Beijing scrubber in Lao She’s ‘Rickshaw Boy’ (Luotuo Xiangzi), one of the most dismal novels in the generally dismal modern Chinese canon.
David, if you’re a man of such principle, I suggest you start getting your dog burgers from another source.
- Major Bonkers
April 8, 2016 at 9:13 am -
Perhaps part of the problem is that these pandas may identify as one of the 50 or 71 – The Tabloidgraph gives both figures – new genders recently discovered by those clever Americans.
Wugang Cheng Gong: ‘Ullo darlin’ – fancy a nibble of my bamboo shoot?
Tracy: Filthy sexist! I identify as Genderqueer/ Neutrois.
In other news, the Mail reports today that 20,000 lesbians have rolled up at Palm Springs for a 5-day party. (They mean female homosexuals, rather than Syrians who have paddled over from Turkey.) From the photographs, there don’t appear to be any pandas amongst them, nor, fortunately, any of our homegrown talent that forever curdled my fantasies at Greenham Common. I’m half thinking of flying out, with my attached appendage, The Lesbian Straightener, on the off chance though.
- Dave
April 8, 2016 at 9:46 am -
You’ll have to leave your appendage at the door before they let you in
- Hadleigh Fan
April 10, 2016 at 3:44 pm -
Shouldn’t Chris Huhne be better known for turning a Lezzer straight than for the inconsequential matter of lying about a traffic offence? Where is the national moral compass these days?
- Hadleigh Fan
- Dave
- Major Bonkers
April 9, 2016 at 4:36 pm -
I was so thinking about all the American lesbians and their banquet that I wasn’t able – despite a lot of tossing and turning – to go to sleep last night, and eventually had to give up and research this topic in more detail on the internet.
Unfortunately the quality of British lesbians is very poor. This situation has been apparent ever since Greenham Common showed us these rather unpleasant-looking people screaming on one side of a chain-link fence at the poor, quailing, squaddies on the other side; and nowadays, of course, when standards of public deportment have dropped even further, the British lesbian is characterised by an enthusiasm for dying her hair, poor clothes and heavy boots, and an interest in piercing and tattoos. I suspect many of having unpleasant skin diseases, brought on by a combination of obesity and a disinclination to wash. In character, they are spiteful and hold stupid left-wing opinions. They read their stupid ‘Guardian’ newspaper and work in the public sector as social workers, confiscating other people’s children, and teachers, transmitting their ignorance to the next generation.
Even the proud Straightener quails at the prospect of being called upon under these circumstances.
Our national state of lesbiandom is nothing to be proud of. We could have lovely smooth and enthusiastic lesbians, as the Americans do, but we simply have our hairy and unpleasant lot.
What we need is a committee to come together to improve our national stock of lesbians, such that we can all be proud of them. Perhaps strangely, a lot of our political class seem to be lesbian – and I pause here to point out that the Caledonian variety is amongst the most horrific of the lot – and, of course, the old joke: What do you call an Irish lesbian? Gay lick – but I digress. In parliament, our national zoo of stupid and ugly people, our lesbians are even stupider and uglier than the rest of the exhibits. It is here, though, that we must look for the leaders of our new committee – I think Angela Eagle and Anne Widdicombe could be joint co-chairpersons, fulfilling more than adequately the requirements of gross stupidity and ugliness. As for the rest, I shall write to the Women’s Institute to see if they might be interested.
- Mudplugger
April 9, 2016 at 9:03 pm -
The good Major may not be aware that Hebden Bridge, near Halifax in West Yorkshire, is now officially Lesbo-Central for Britain – the place is full of gluten-free florists, fairtrade plumbers and retailers whose products mostly buzz like a livid wasp in a test-tube: the local shops do a steady trade in dungarees and Duracells but little else – the greatest worry in the recent floods was that the local tattooist’s needles may have rusted (more than usual), requiring greater capital expense than the council spends on flood-defence in a year. Never in the field of human conduct have so many rugs been munched so many times by so few.
If the Major ever wants to know what it feels like to be a minority, just take a stroll along the main street of Hebden Bridge and try to spot another straight bloke – it’s now local custom to shout “Snap” if you do – but beware, lots of those who look like blokes are not fully-equipped in the trouser department bloke-wise. It’s like the BBC canteen, only more so.
If the Major’s ‘straightener’ ever achieves any successes there, we look forward the full report – braver men have tried and failed. Up and at ’em.
- Mudplugger
- Ho Hum
April 10, 2016 at 1:26 am -
I know Norfolk people are apparently some of the most anti-EU around, but abusing Frogs like this is a disgrace
- Mudplugger
April 10, 2016 at 9:32 am -
Bearing in mind the location, I suspect the locals were actually concerned that those amorous amphibians were not closely related enough to be allowed to undertake such recreations. If they carry on such unrestricted fornication, one of their random tadpoles could one day become Archbishop of Canterbury.
- Mudplugger
- Alexis
April 11, 2016 at 6:50 am -
Anna, I’ve recently found and very much enjoyed your writing and reminisces. Unfortunately the blog is let down by some of the hideous misogynistic comments above. Ignorant, offensive and, sadly for people making so much effort, a really poor attempt at humour. As a young, attractive and straight woman, if I ever had the misfortune to stumble upon Major Bonker’s ‘Lesbian Straightener’ I would give it a pitying look of contempt and thank my good fortune for the kind, enlightened type of man that I choose to have sex with. Old fashioned sexism is such a turn off.
- Adrian
April 11, 2016 at 2:51 pm -
You sound like a real fun person
- Adrian
- Darren Wheatspoon
April 12, 2016 at 3:48 am -
Blame the feminazi-dominated education and medical professions where they claim a 17-year-old WOMAN is a “baby”, but when the naughty female teachers fucks the harem of 12-year-old male students, the feminazis and manginas praise the students as “the students were lucky”.
The neo-Victorian feminazi agenda is spreading in the Caribbean. The American and Canadian-based feminazis parading as “child rights” groups are creating Change.org petitions to force governments in the Caribbean and South America to increase their MINIMUM age of consent to 18.
Look one here:
https://www.change.org/p/president-david-granger-of-guyana-raise-the-age-of-consent-to-18-years/u/15967118Caption:
“25 mars 2016 — Guyana has the second highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the Caribbean and South America, with an estimated 97 teenage girls between the ages of 15-19 out of 1000 becoming pregnant each year.”What a crock of shit..What will increasing the age of consent to 18 do “to prevent teenage pregnancies”? Notice how they claim that 18 and 19 year old adult women who get pregnant are considered children?
Pardon my language, but what the fucking rassclat is with these feminists from overseas attempting to jack up the age of consent? I’m guessing from this that if a person aged 18 has consensual sex with a 16 or 17-year-old, the 18-year-old will have to surrender his privacy and rights in court to defend such a consensual relationship. That is so fucked up to destroy people’s lives like that over some feminist cause.
The NGO “The Caribbean Voice” is based in the Bronx, NY, USA so I’m so fucking pissed off that some Anglo-Victorian agenda is seeping through the Diaspora ethnic communities.
However, once enough consenting teens end up in jail in the Caribbean for going under 18, the crime rate will skyrocket when they are released from prison. Many of these Caribbean countries don’t have welfare, food stamps or a police state to confiscate men’s hard earned wealth to pay for those social programs, so these new victims of pedo-hysteria will likely have to rob and kill just to survive.
Fucking American and Canadian feminists. I hope they end up as the first victims of robbery, rather than the innocent civilians, in the future crime wave that they will cause on our countries.
- Major Bonkers
April 12, 2016 at 10:34 am -
I doubt that it will really make much of a difference. When people raise the issue of the age of consent, I like to point out that one of our greatest kings (Edward I) married a 12 year-old (although it probably was not consummated at that age) and that Juliet (in ‘Romeo and Juliet’) is 13.
All the great religions – with one obvious exception – at least discourage juvenile sex, Jews and Christians by mandating obedience to parents, who are presumed to know better than their enthusiastic offspring. Islamic societies are famously strict about preserving the purity of their (own) womenfolk, to the extent that discrete operations in Harley Street are offered for ‘hymenoplasty’; and now you can even get it on the NHS ( http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1298684/Surge-virginity-repair-operations-NHS.html ).
If religious edicts and man-made laws to stop teenagers having sex haven’t worked elsewhere, I really don’t see how they are going to work in the Caribbean.
Here’s Milton, in ‘Paradise Lost’ (book 4), when Adam and Eve finally get stuck in:
Whatever Hypocrites austerely talk
Of puritie and place and innocence,
Defaming as impure what God declares
Pure, and commands to som, leaves free to all.
Our Maker bids increase, who bids abstain
But our Destroyer, foe to God and Man?- Darren Wheatspoon
April 12, 2016 at 3:19 pm -
Agreed…but one of the femi-nazi activists who aim to increase the minimum age of consent to 18+ in the Caribbean is an American-educated ugly looking woman named Sherlina Nageer.
https://redforgender.wordpress.com/tag/sherlina-nageer/I find it bizarre that while countries in the Caribbean and Latin America, especially Brazil and Venezuela, are in a midst of an economic collapse, these feminazi activists from the United States and Canada are so fixated that increasing the minimum age of consent from 14, 16 to 18 will magically end all of the social ills.
I believe that such amendment to the laws only put teenagers at risk of compromising their privacy rights to their intimate relationships. The feminazi activists rarely point out that female teachers like Mary Kay Letourneau had sex with a boy who was at least 6 years younger than their proposed 18 age of consent.
I’m not sure if these American feminazis are desperate or what, but creating more laws to put more people in jail and hinder them from partying (expect these feminazis to advocate for banning alcohol or increasing the drinking age to 21 “for the sake of the children”) will end up not good because restricting young men from legal pussy and partying will cause them to resort to physical crime.
- Darren Wheatspoon
- Major Bonkers
- Cascadian
April 13, 2016 at 1:05 am -
The male pandas in some perverse way may consider themselves lucky that their every move is observed , these young fellows were not quite so lucky as the Gloucester plod even in the face of an acquittal hang on to their ibelieveher nonsense.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/04/11/four-students-cleared-of-raping-woman-at-college-ball/
That group sex happened is not in doubt, but the accuser is a serial fantasist and investigating officers are either incompetent or liars. Still the familiar refrain of ‘We will continue to support the victim through what is and has been an extremely traumatic experience’ is heard , plod being totally unaware that there were four victims and one false accuser.
The female of the species having learned that making false accusations brings a certain notoriety valued amongst plod and the feminazis.
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