Jeremy the Gardener.
Fellow geriatrics will have sympathised. When a man reaches the age at which he remembers to wear a vest when he goes out, he also sends off to the Daily Express for one of those natty little gardening stools from which you can weed the dandelions without facing the ignominy of having to crawl towards the apple tree in order to haul yourself upright again.
After 30 years of addressing audiences in smokey pubs of rapt Labour activists, all clutching a pint in one hand, blaming Israel, the US, the French for everything from your overflowing dustbin, to the fact that the bank expect you to repay your loan – he woke up one day and realised that he faced an audience too far…
You can’t clutch a great-grandmother round the knees and pull yourself upright, she’s not an apple tree, especially not when she’s the Queen. No, there was no way Jeremy could get down on his knees to the Queen.
It’s not as though he’s a proper Republican, not like Martin McGuiness – Jeremy has been swearing allegiance to Her Majesty for donkey’s years – He does it afresh after every election. He wouldn’t get paid if he didn’t.
I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.
See? Not just the Queen, her children, her grandchildren and everyone else that might possibly end up on the throne. Jeremy has pledged his allegiance to them all – I make it eight times – that’s about as Monarchy supporting as you can get. I support the Queen, but you wouldn’t catch me pledging allegiance to Prince Charles…
Not that Jeremy is obsessed with her of course – on the day that she became the second longest reigning monarch he was busy signing Early Day motions, 29 of them, ranging from outrage at ‘alcohol fuelled violence’ to calling the ‘Living Wage’ the, er, ‘Living Wage. Earlier worries included fretting over the Chinese eating dogs, and the use of pigeons in war time. That last included putting his name to a motion that called for:
“humans represent the most obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal species ever to inhabit the planet and looks forward to the day when the inevitable asteroid slams into the earth and wipes them out thus giving nature the opportunity to start again.”
Hmmn. Asteroids good. Nuclear weapons bad.
You can forgive the geriatric old duffer forgetting well known songs too, old peoples homes round the country have those bouncing balls bobbing up and down on the words to help Doris and Fred remember lyrics; did nobody think to do that to help the new leader of the Labour Party join in with the sing song at the Battle of Britain memorial service? The Guardian claimed he wasn’t signing because he was a Republican – wishful thinking I’m afraid, Jeremy likes to get his shekels on a regular basis.
And why not? He’s used to a decent standard of living. I know he burbles on about austerity stalking the country, but that is no different to Grandma reminiscing about Turnip stew from her rocking chair whilst tucking into a Pepperoni with extra cheese crust. A bit hypocritical for the man who grew up in a Shropshire mansion and now lives in a leafy district of Islington alongside Boris Johnson, Paul Dacre and Kate Winslet – the Cripplegate report calculated that you needed an income of 90,000 a year to merely rent alongside these goliaths of ‘anti-austerity’. Even his supporters, chucking rocks through the windows of Shoreditch cafes turn out to live in £600,000 apartments, er, funded by selling their Kennington flat to one of the ‘Kennington gentrifiers’.
So, he’s a hypocritical, arthritic-kneed, memory-challenged old duffer, who remembers to buy his vests on Islington market, but forgets when he lambasts the Queen for ‘not writing her own speeches’ that he not only doesn’t write his own speeches, but doesn’t credit the humble blogger who had offered his model speech to every Labour leader since old windbag Kinnock to no avail…until Jeremy woke up one day and realised that he had been recast as Chance the Gardener and had to say something.
Funnily enough, there was a character called ‘Watson’ in that film who was obsessed with Chance’s sex life and started asking awkward questions…
But for now people are asking him serious questions like ‘What about the nuclear deterrent’ – rise up fellow bloggers! Jeremy doesn’t know – he’s waiting for one of us to write his next speech…remember using asteroids is OK.
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October 13, 2015 at 9:11 am -
These days I worry more about haemorrhoids than asteroids!
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October 13, 2015 at 10:03 am -
‘roids around Uranus?
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October 13, 2015 at 10:12 am -
Even worse the odd Klingon!
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October 13, 2015 at 12:14 pm -
“I’ve seen Uranus!”
“That’s nothing: I’ve seen Mars …”
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October 13, 2015 at 10:21 am -
‘We in the Labour Party pledge to reduce the number of haemorrhoids and increase the number of asteroids.
That’s why today I can announce that we will do this by doubling the budget of the NHS, under the management of Dr. Alan Milburn [wild applause – lone cry of, ‘Shit no! That man’s the angel of death!’] and establishing a National Asteroid Service, a supporting ministry – the Asteroid Ministry – and headed by a Cabinet minister, the Asteroid Minister. Miss Diane Abbott, on account of her asteroidal proportions and the fact that she is already out of this world, has agreed to take on this challenging role. [Loud cheers – lone cry of, ‘But she’s fucking useless!’]
The Tories [prolonged loud booing and heckling] simply don’t care about our haemorrhoids or our asteroids. Under the Tories there has been a one million per cent rise in the number of haemorrhoids and a one thousand per cent decrease in the number of asteroids! [loud booing.]
Comrades, I tell you that these twin problems can only be solved by government intervention [loud cheers]. We will be judged by how we defeat the scourge of haemorrhoids and enhance the opportunities of asteroids [loud cheers]. Let us, therefore, go forth from this hall and proudly declare: only the Labour party is on your side against haemorrhoids and for asteroids! [wild cheering.]’
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October 13, 2015 at 10:58 am -
Farmer Giles as Minister for Agriculture?
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October 13, 2015 at 11:37 am -
Oh – it’s even better than that. We now have the vegan Kerry McCarthy as Shadow Agriculture wallah. Enjoy that pan of mince; it’ll be cabbage and chips (NOT fried in lard) all round come the revolution, comrade. It’s not quite clear what will happen to the national beef herd, sheep flock or pig stocks, but no doubt all will be revealed in due course. Consigned to wildlife parks, probably.
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October 13, 2015 at 2:03 pm -
Funding for this celestial extravagance shall be by way of the creation by Comrades McDonnell and (the erstwhile) Douglas of a new cosmic Back Hole, a sort of combination of Worm and Black Holes, precise location to be decided later (but probably near Scunthorpe)
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October 13, 2015 at 4:25 pm -
Bravo!
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October 13, 2015 at 6:39 pm -
@Majorbonkers
that was a comment worthy of Pet or the Landlady themselves. Stop hiding your light under a bushel.
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October 13, 2015 at 9:30 am -
If you have to push the button, you have already lost the war, and we would all die slowly from radiation poisoning. Many Countries in Europe do not have nuclear Weapons, and they have not been invaded recently. If the reason is that France, and the UK, have these weapons, and they act as a shield for the rest of Europe, then I suggest, that Countries in Europe who do not have the weapons all contribute money towards their upkeep?
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October 13, 2015 at 9:35 am -
I didn’t know that was its purpose (although I can see it might help): thought it was to prevent grass- or earth-staining of the knees of one’s trousers … or perhaps housemaid’s knee.
ΠΞ
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October 13, 2015 at 9:43 am -
As a big Corbyn fan I thoroughly enjoyed this amusing piece!
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October 13, 2015 at 9:51 am -
When I saw the picture I thought it was going to be a post about how the Good Burghers of Lower Nosebleed Norfolk had been treated to the sight of Mr. G struggling with the The Landlady’s sedan chair so she, The Memsahib, could get out in the garden to prune the roses….
It is wrong to mock the afflicted with time worn knees. I now need one of those grabby arm things to change the paper in the printer, Youngest Dwarf Son not always being around to help his dear old ‘Papa’ off the floor. Thankfully I do not have a garden to tend otherwise I would no doubt be in the market for just such a device as featured.
As to JC, I can understand and sympathise with his deeply held conviction that he would NEVER EVER EVER press the Red Button, that he would under no circumstances send us all to talk to our Maker down the Red Telephone. However I really question the sense in his telling us all. Really no point in renewing trident now. The whole point of a deterrent is to deter. Really JC, sometimes it is better to keep one’s mouth shut.
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October 13, 2015 at 9:56 am -
I’m sure Jeremy is a Nice Chap and all that, but he does remind me of one or two of the people I used to work with. Among the competent and the (frankly) frighteningly intelligent, there lurked a cadre of what might politely be called ‘plodders’. There were the guys you wouldn’t really trust with a pocket calculator normally (though their skills seemed to soar markedly when they had to fill out an expenses form), but they were essential to make the office look full and busy when senior management were doing a walk-round (which wasn’t often, but still had to be catered for). Very occasionally, one of these chaps would get Ideas, cause some consternation, and be ‘moved on’ by the ruse of having them promoted into middle management where they could do less harm. There were one or two examples of this ruse being taken too far; everybody knew the score except the persons concerned. Retirement (quite often early) normally solved the problem, but in the meantime there was great scope for amusement among the ranks.
As in the Drawing Offices, so in Parliament. I don’t think politics has been quite so hilarious in my lifetime. As long as those in power stick to just managing and don’t get any ideas about doing something radical, we should be fine. Meanwhile, Jeremy and his mates are a great substitute for the lack of decent comedy on the BBC.
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October 13, 2015 at 2:21 pm -
There is nothing “nice” about Corbyn.
He is a brazen admirer of socialist tyranny and murder,. He is bum chums with every islamist death group going. He would return not only the fatuous waste and failure of nationalised industries but also sign up to every anti-human, anti-science, anti-production pile of eco-freak horse-shit he could find. He would commit every act of treason possible from handing over the Falklands and Gibralter to returning the Elgin Marbles. Anything to hurt this country in the name of socialist evil. Also being a well-off middle-class leftist prick, like all his kind he hates the white working class and would accelerate the already existing programme to make the British a despised minority in what used to be their own land. His first act on getting the job was to call for exactly that at some bullshit leftist gathering. He surrounds himself with tinpot dictatorial vermin who–amongst many other examples–think it is their business to use the power of the scummy state to stop people eating meat.
He is pure scum and a great danger to this nation.
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October 13, 2015 at 3:47 pm -
Oh come on, get off the fence! Tell us what you really think.
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October 13, 2015 at 10:00 am -
Jeremy Corbyn looks like he wears pants with skidmarks on them. Seriously, he ain’t looking like a vote winner, is he?
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October 13, 2015 at 3:55 pm -
His job isn’t to be a vote winner. The Labour Party, after it’s been whupped, usually elects the likes of Corbyn (e.g. Foot) to cleanse its soul and rediscover its so-called philosophical ideals. Then, after a while in the purgatory of perpetual opposition, it gradually elects more publicly electable leaders (Kinnock, Smith, Blair) in order to get back into a position to do something, rather than just whinge about everything from the sidelines.
Give them 10 years and they may get back to reality. Corbyn is just a locally necessary dose of idealism between bouts of pragmatism. (But it’s great fun to watch).
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October 13, 2015 at 11:27 am -
The pidgeon protectors managed to get the name of MI5 wrong; perhaps tellingly they struggled with the word “intelligence”:
“That this House is appalled, but barely surprised, at the revelations in M15 files…”
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October 13, 2015 at 11:49 am -
October 13, 2015 at 12:13 pm -
Anna starts off amusingly but it really is a bit much to trot out the old one about not being able to be leftwing because you happen to have been born welloff or draw a vaguely okay government salary. To be against austerity in that situation is not hypocrisy but showing an admirable concern for those not as advantaged as yourself.
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October 13, 2015 at 12:24 pm -
Could it be that Mr Corbyn’s privileged background saved us from him from becoming a from being a teacher?
I’m not suggesting all teachers are of his mould, but I’ve met enough of similar age who are.
As Engineer earlier commented, there are some, often intelligent & well educated who are mostly utterly useless but sometimes become dangerously enthused. And so clever they just know they’re right.-
October 13, 2015 at 3:45 pm -
Indeed. There are those who are clever enough for high things, there are those who are clever enough to realise that they’re not quite clever enough for high things (that’s probably most of us), and there are those who are not quite clever enough to realise that they’re not quite clever enough for high things. It’s the last lot that cause most of the problems.
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October 13, 2015 at 12:36 pm -
Many if not most politicians are Queyntes, and some of those are more Queyntish than others. Jeremy is simply the Queynte’s Queynte …
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October 13, 2015 at 12:43 pm -
Gardening won’t get him the ‘young votes’ – now, if he was revealed to be a keen concrete-overer & keen Renault owner that might cut it.
He needs to watch his back, alas.. https://twitter.com/LizDuxLawyer/status/631714617891418112I’m actually fully intent on ‘getting into gardening’ as it may well be cathartic.. but mainly for the fact that the generation crashing into middle age behind me are still all trying to behave like moronic teenagers and gardening will be dying out with common sense and other such ‘high culture’.
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October 13, 2015 at 1:53 pm -
I’m actually fully intent on ‘getting into gardening’
My Dad had to have an allotment when I was a kid, partly that whole 70s ‘Good Life’ thing but mainly because working for the LEA he didn’t earn enough to feed a wife and 4 growing dwarves. As a result I have always detested gardening in all it’s forms. Starting with the Blue Peter sunken garden and Percy Thrower to Alan Tithead’s Country Cottaging. Hand formed by vestal virgins on the slopes of Etna terracotta tiles or astro turf are my idea of ‘gardening’. Also I have the Black Thumb Of Death…I was the guy you didn’t ask to grow your Weed in his airign cupboard at college.
So you can imagine my surprise when images of myself, surrounded by an allotment of blossoming heritage breeds tobacco plants, sitting on a bench, sucking contentedly on a Alpine long or Churchwarden and blowing gandalfesque smoke rings into Granddaughter2’s pram started to fill my otherwise X rated day dreams. Yes Mr. “Never Met A Vegetable I Wanted To Eat”, is considering asking various locals if they reck whereof I might find a patch of soil , a sod, to call my ain.
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October 13, 2015 at 1:26 pm -
As Labour have turned away from rational policies and are undoubtedly unelectable for many years, isn’t it time they were relegated from the role they no longer fulfil, that of “Her Majesty’s Opposition”?
The SNP & “The UKIP one”, plus a few of the dregs, could do a better job of holding Camerborne to account. -
October 13, 2015 at 1:46 pm -
An acerbic and very accurate critique!
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October 13, 2015 at 6:31 pm -
I love the image that an elderly Jezza finally discovers that he is too old for the situation he finds himself in. However I think you could make a case for extending that to The Labour Party as a whole. After all, the movement that grew up to represent the hitherto under represented labour movement has a wee problem when said organised mass workforce ceased to exist 30 years ago.
Outside of the public sector, what is the relevance of trade unions to the everage voter? Who is the subject of collective bargaining in 2015?
I seriously wonder if we are seeing the slow drawn out demise of the Labour Party. After all, there are plenty of more radical viewpoints out there all seeking our attention and the centralisation which lies at the heart of the mass labour movement is less and less relevant in a society where we are all seeking more power to run our own lives.
If I was still in The Labour Party I would be seeking a new big idea to express what makes me different to all of the other parties. The empty ground that is begging for somebody to occupy it is localism and yet it is wholly at odds with the ethos of old or new Labour, which prefers the one size fits all system.Labour does not have a holy right to be the opposition party or in government, as they recently found out in Scotland. They’d better hope that none of the other English parties gets their act together or they could end up like The Society for the Protection of Beer from the Wood. Lots of charm and history but with no power.
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October 13, 2015 at 6:50 pm -
How do some people know humans are the most “obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal species ever to inhabit the planet…” Yet knowing they are part of the problem do they spare us their personal obscenities, perversions, lack of civility and lethality?
Longrider said it best on the topic of slavery last week; “If these people didn’t have double standards, they would be bereft of any.”
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