Jeremy the Gardener.
Fellow geriatrics will have sympathised. When a man reaches the age at which he remembers to wear a vest when he goes out, he also sends off to the Daily Express for one of those natty little gardening stools from which you can weed the dandelions without facing the ignominy of having to crawl towards the apple tree in order to haul yourself upright again.
After 30 years of addressing audiences in smokey pubs of rapt Labour activists, all clutching a pint in one hand, blaming Israel, the US, the French for everything from your overflowing dustbin, to the fact that the bank expect you to repay your loan – he woke up one day and realised that he faced an audience too far…
You can’t clutch a great-grandmother round the knees and pull yourself upright, she’s not an apple tree, especially not when she’s the Queen. No, there was no way Jeremy could get down on his knees to the Queen.
It’s not as though he’s a proper Republican, not like Martin McGuiness – Jeremy has been swearing allegiance to Her Majesty for donkey’s years – He does it afresh after every election. He wouldn’t get paid if he didn’t.
I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.
See? Not just the Queen, her children, her grandchildren and everyone else that might possibly end up on the throne. Jeremy has pledged his allegiance to them all – I make it eight times – that’s about as Monarchy supporting as you can get. I support the Queen, but you wouldn’t catch me pledging allegiance to Prince Charles…
Not that Jeremy is obsessed with her of course – on the day that she became the second longest reigning monarch he was busy signing Early Day motions, 29 of them, ranging from outrage at ‘alcohol fuelled violence’ to calling the ‘Living Wage’ the, er, ‘Living Wage. Earlier worries included fretting over the Chinese eating dogs, and the use of pigeons in war time. That last included putting his name to a motion that called for :
“humans represent the most obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal species ever to inhabit the planet and looks forward to the day when the inevitable asteroid slams into the earth and wipes them out thus giving nature the opportunity to start again.”
Hmmn. Asteroids good. Nuclear weapons bad.
You can forgive the geriatric old duffer forgetting well known songs too, old peoples homes round the country have those bouncing balls bobbing up and down on the words to help Doris and Fred remember lyrics; did nobody think to do that to help the new leader of the Labour Party join in with the sing song at the Battle of Britain memorial service? The Guardian claimed he wasn’t signing because he was a Republican – wishful thinking I’m afraid, Jeremy likes to get his shekels on a regular basis.
And why not? He’s used to a decent standard of living. I know he burbles on about austerity stalking the country, but that is no different to Grandma reminiscing about Turnip stew from her rocking chair whilst tucking into a Pepperoni with extra cheese crust. A bit hypocritical for the man who grew up in a Shropshire mansion and now lives in a leafy district of Islington alongside Boris Johnson, Paul Dacre and Kate Winslet – the Cripplegate report calculated that you needed an income of 90,000 a year to merely rent alongside these goliaths of ‘anti-austerity’. Even his supporters, chucking rocks through the windows of Shoreditch cafes turn out to live in £600,000 apartments, er, funded by selling their Kennington flat to one of the ‘ Kennington gentrifiers ’.
So, he’s a hypocritical, arthritic-kneed, memory-challenged old duffer, who remembers to buy his vests on Islington market, but forgets when he lambasts the Queen for ‘not writing her own speeches’ that he not only doesn’t write his own speeches, but doesn’t credit the humble blogger who had offered his model speech to every Labour leader since old windbag Kinnock to no avail…until Jeremy woke up one day and realised that he had been recast as Chance the Gardener and had to say something.
Funnily enough, there was a character called ‘Watson’ in that film who was obsessed with Chance’s sex life and started asking awkward questions…
But for now people are asking him serious questions like ‘What about the nuclear deterrent’ – rise up fellow bloggers! Jeremy doesn’t know – he’s waiting for one of us to write his next speech…remember using asteroids is OK.