Fat Bottomed Girls and Boozy Memories.
Academics never fail to amaze me with their innovative methods of acquiring grants to study yet another obscure subject. I well remember writing a post on the obscene size of the grant obtained by some American academics to spend a year studying the whale’s penis and whether it was best suited for its task…no female whales were interviewed in this study.
Now three Doctors at Boston University, Ulrike Boehmer, Deborah Bowen, and Greta Bauer, have spent a year or so staring at the fat backsides of a series of Lesbians and working out the correlations between ‘sexual orientation’ and a backside the size of a small principality. They have concluded that lesbians have more than twice the chances of blocking out the sun whilst ‘mooning’ than heterosexual women. Surprisingly, it is not the first such academic study on this very subject – five years ago, another trio of grant recipients were also measuring Lesbian backsides and came to the same conclusion.
The reason for this research is that overweight hysterical feminists of lesbian orientation are more likely to die young as a result of this excess weight, and the authors think more health facilities should be directed at them. Strangely, neither study looks at why this might be, nor the relative weight ‘history’; did those with a small principality trailing behind them feel more comfortable in the less judgemental Lesbian community – or did they acquire their excess baggage as a result of reaching for the biscuit barrel in despair at finding they now needed to sport Doc Marten’s and a haircut like a lavatory brush?
There’s a grant in it somewhere if you feel brave enough to go out and about and ask them…
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The vanity of middle aged men in a truss and head to toe Lycra on a couple of grands worth of two-wheeled transport knows no bounds. With no more gadgets to fit on their bike, an upgrade of the Lycra to ‘Savile Row’ was the only way in which the successful hedge funder could differentiate himself from that upstart of a graphic designer in identical black.
Step forward the doyen of cyclical doping; reinvented as the drama queen of interminable coverage of the Tour de France; and now Savile Row Lycra tailor – David Millar.
For some reason, his PR team, no doubt having found that I write about ‘Savile’ frequently, thought that I would be pleased to promote this new range of ‘subtle and understated’ knee leg warmers and crotch comforters. They appear to have overlooked – or forgiven – my long history of taking the piss out of the Lycra hordes.
“I wanted to create cycling clothing that was constructed for my new life as a non-racer”.
A new life enforced on him after being banned by British cycling.
Tired of seeing sponsors’ logos, neon colours and badly-fitted kit, Millar has focused on quality fabrics, classic tailoring and intricate design details inspired by the sophistication of Savile Row.
Sponsorship is just so passé. The new kit incorporates a pocket specially designed for the new iphone….and is illustrated by moody back lit shots of the dapper David tucking his vest into his Savile Row knickers.
Apparently David ‘wrote the washing label instructions himself”. Wow!
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Dementia is a filthy illness. You forget to phone your friends, forget to let the cat back in, and when you do remember your friends you gabble incomprehensibly about matters no one is interested in and which took place 50 years ago.
At last, a cure has been found. A chemical compound known as resveratrol has been shown to have an encouraging restorative effect on those diagnosed with dementia. It will be some years before such a drug will be available to sufferers. In the meantime, the good news is that resveratrol is present in red wine, and chocolate.
The curative dose is 1,000 bottles of red wine per day. Warning: some people have been found to be totally comatose and incapable of gabbling comprehensibly or not with the paramedics nor to care whether the cat is in or out after a mere three bottles, with another 997 waiting to be consumed….
Dr Raccoon suggests you stick to the chocolates, or wait for the tablets.
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In case you missed the magical case in Nottingham whose illustrious police force has finally jumped the ‘#Ibelievehim/her’ shark, here is a resume.
Last week, Steve Watson was arrested for the murder of Julie Pacey. The 20 year old unsolved murder was shown on a crime reconstruction programme. Several people phoned the programme after transmission to identify Steve as the murderer. The police are very keen on corroboration by volume of ‘allegators’ these days, so they rushed out and arrested Steve, finger-printed him, took his DNA, and questioned him for several hours.
Det Insp Helen Evans said it would be “remiss not to thoroughly investigate every solid piece of information” and Mr Watson will be told whether he is to be charged “in due course”.
In vain did Mr Watson point out that he was the actor who had been hired by the BBC to take part in the crimewatch reconstruction by playing the part of the murderer…
He’d been ‘fingered’ by multiple allegators – game, set, and match with our modern police force.
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September 13, 2015 at 10:31 am -
You couldn’t make the ‘Crimewatch’ story up. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear it was the ghost of ’25 Hour News’ pulling our plonkers from beyond the grave. If only.
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September 13, 2015 at 11:44 am -
I can only shake my head sadly in agreement….
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September 13, 2015 at 4:16 pm -
Alternatively, he could be a very bold and cunning murderer himself.
We are told that criminals often return to the scene of their crimes, so perhaps this actor-chappie actually did the deed, then volunteered to ‘act’ as the killer for the Crimewatch reconstruction (thus revisiting a virtual scene of his crime) and, in so doing, hoping that his Crimewatch TV appearance would create enough ‘fog’ so that he could get away with it by the resultant confusion of any witnesses. Stranger things have happened.
(Legal note: this is not an accusation, merely a tongue-in-cheek speculation which casts no aspersions on the character or guilt of any person, living or dead. Phew !)
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September 13, 2015 at 10:34 am -
Tsk, those researchers aren’t up to much are they?
Fat bottomed lesbians are those women who have been blessed with the intuitive desire to over consume their chocolate ration to preemptively ward off dementia.
Obvious, innit?
Otherwise, the rest makes for a brilliant start to the day
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September 13, 2015 at 10:40 am -
Do you think they are related to the hotties you posted earlier? (I use the term “hottie”, because I’m sure to someone, somewhere, they are.)
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September 13, 2015 at 10:41 am -
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September 13, 2015 at 10:44 am -
I have no desire to fight it. Nor, venturing into Primal Scream (the band) territory, to feel it.
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September 13, 2015 at 10:46 am -
That did prove to be a bit apposite, didn’t it?
I did have a little laugh, but I couldn’t bring myself to inflict them on everyone again
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September 13, 2015 at 10:36 am -
Jumped the Shark? More like a triple salto with corkscrew prone summersault with pirouette to finish and landing with their gym knickers around their ankles cos elastic snapped mid air.
One hopes he can sue for wrongful arrest?
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September 13, 2015 at 10:42 am -
I hope the shark, realising that someone is jumping over it in an ungainly and un-athleticly preposterous way, lunges and catches them by the heel and gives them a thoroughly tortuous time before swallowing them whole.
I wonder if he will ever get his DNA removed from police records?
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September 13, 2015 at 4:01 pm -
There’s every chance that his DNA may be removed from the Plod records ‘officially’ but, as many belatedly discover who thought they’d deleted all their porn-stash, n0thing’s ever really deleted in the e-world, only the ‘pointer’ is removed and that can be easily reinstated if you know how.
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September 13, 2015 at 10:46 am -
I was taught that the correct male attire for cycling is cord or flannel trousers, a tweed coat and a decent ratcatcher. Footwear should be brown leather shoes.
The juxtaposition of lesbian derrieres and cycling topics unfortunately brings to mind the rather ungallant comments of one A.A. Gill on Ms. C. Balding – http://tinyurl.com/25crr5s-
September 13, 2015 at 11:07 am -
Now you bring back happy memories:
Marching behind them with the Shanti Project as they led the Pride march in San Francisco in 1988 (or possibly 89).
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September 13, 2015 at 11:42 am -
I lurve the fact that ‘Dykes on Bikes’ is a registered trademark for ‘future monetisation’. Capitalist Dykes. Perfect.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:00 pm -
I lurve the contrast between the photo on the homepage and the poster thereon.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:00 pm -
A pair of bike clips and turning his cap round to go faster was good enough for my granddad. Mind you, he wasn’t a lesbian.
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September 13, 2015 at 8:19 pm -
Shouldn’t “police force” be in inverted commas,I believe it is now a “service ” . God help us. Either because they won’t or are too busy with the past. Perhaps they could find my snooker cue,stolen from my car in 1985,whilst they are there. I am a victim and should be believed.
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September 13, 2015 at 11:30 am -
Confusing the actor with the part? Sorry for the poor guy who got pulled in by the cops (will they keep his DNA for ever now?) but this is what happens. Whenever a popular character dies in a soap opera, the broadcaster gets a mass of flowers, condolence notes for the character’s “family” and other such stuff sent by people who are too stupid / bewildered / unhinged to know they have been watching something which is not true.
The laws of large numbers mean that the results can appear striking but actually aren’t. Say 10 million watch a popular programme. A weird response by say 100 people (e.g. E woz wot done it i saw im; Uri Geller bent my knife drawer by staring at me from the tv studio; I remember now my therapist says I was raped by that man; etc) means there has been a crazed reaction by 0.001% of the viewing population, which is unsurprising. But 100 people sounds like a lot of people so “perhaps there is something to it after all”.
One unexpected consequence of modern technology networks is that corroboration by volume is extremely dangerous when any form of mass communication is involved. Someone please explain this to the cops, when they start on another case centred on someone off the telly.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:07 pm -
Latest news: Gary and Martin Kemp arrested on suspicion of the murder of Jack ‘The Hat’ McVitie (though not, surprisingly, for crimes against tea-towels).
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September 13, 2015 at 12:40 pm -
Roflmao Post of day Pet!
P.S. In other news, the late Sir Richard Attenborough has reportedly been linked by Police to the historic “10 Rillington Place” murders. John Hurt is said to be helping Police with their enquires.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:53 pm -
*SNORK* Come back Bunny (and if you can find Ed somewhere on your travels …)!
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September 13, 2015 at 11:45 am -
Archaeologists has just discovered the remains of a lesbian dinosaur, they’ve named it the “Licolottapuss”
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September 13, 2015 at 11:56 am -
An undertaker of my aquiantance once told me they had a special coffin for lesbians; no screws, just tongue and groove.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:06 pm -
At the risk of being thrown out of the bar for overdoing the quips of dubious taste, archaelogists also discovered the bones of a dinosaur with very short legs and a rather low-slung belly. For some reason, it only appears very briefly in the geological record, and has been named “Ballsosaurus”.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:07 pm -
Keep ’em comin’. Every one a cracker!
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September 13, 2015 at 12:52 pm -
ahhhh yes …rugby song humour….I remember one of the Social Workers at the ‘Secure School’ teaching such songs to the kids (back when a social worker could say things like ‘the winky-wanky bird’ and not be arrested for grooming).
“And here Ladies & Gentlemen, we have the lost but proud tribe of the Fukkuarrwee…who wander about in the Amazon all day shouting ‘We’re the Fukkarrwe?’..”
Oh we’re off to see the Wild West Show.
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September 13, 2015 at 11:54 am -
What was this guy doing, going around looking like a suspect in a murder case? Why would he “do” that, if he wasn’t guilty – eh? I’ll have you know that 99.9% of convicted serial killers bear a striking resemblance to themselves! That’s how we know they are guilty. If they were innocent, they’d look like someone else, wouldn’t they? Of course, it’s also true that the real killers would be the most likely persons to report SOMEONE ELSE as a suspect in the case, to throw the police off their trail, so the tipsters must also be guilty. And what about this police force. Why do they have such an obsessive interest in this case? That’s mighty suspicious don’t you think? Why haven’t they arrested themselves as suspects? Must be a COVER-UP!
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September 13, 2015 at 12:25 pm -
aka, in the lexicon of mass loony psychology, as ‘The Fox called Knox Syndrome’
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September 13, 2015 at 11:58 am -
Some ‘ladies’ go to extreme lengths to achieve what they perceive to be a desirably shaped & sized arse.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:19 pm -
Thank you Anna for the opportunity to rant about the Lycra clad wheeled warriors.
‘Dykes on Bikes’ is an absolute gift.
I’m sure I can find a way to use it use it to help dislodge the pig ignorant cyclists & their vehicles infesting our bowls club private car park. After all, when fully kitted up in their bulging luminous undersized ladies foundation garments, who knows what gender or sexuality they possess?
Reg Harris must be turning in his grave. -
September 13, 2015 at 12:20 pm -
I m pleased to read that both I and my dear friend Randy Hack will never have to cope with dementia….
Cheers! -
September 13, 2015 at 12:25 pm -
I wonder if Dr Raccoon has considered that copious amounts of chocolate to off-set the dementia problem would conceivably result in the ample derriere so opined in the section about Lesbians and the Boston University Study.
Furthermore it could be posited that there are therefore no Lesbians with ample derriere’s suffering from Dementia ?
Thinking about it, this is the causality syndrome so beloved of Tobacco Controllers to persecute smokers. Think I may be on to something here …
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September 13, 2015 at 12:26 pm -
….about two hours too late.
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September 13, 2015 at 12:26 pm -
Oooh, it’s like a proper Sunday Supplement. I trust you’re doing normal Sunday things, Anna, with toast and marmalade and all things terra firma!
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September 13, 2015 at 12:58 pm -
I’m not sure even Sir Henry could consume all 1000 bottles of Red in a single day. His regular prescription is two bottles, three times a day with food. A couple of balloons of Brandy usually help the medicine go down. After that, he sets to drinking!
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September 13, 2015 at 1:05 pm -
Need help with fact verification, please!
In the comments to a prior piece, someone said: “Several persons recently convicted had already served time for CSA. I believe this applies to Charles Napier, John Allen from Bryn Alyn and (I think) the Operation Fernbridge defendant who died before trial”.
That Fernbridge defendant would be John Stingemore. In it’s coverage of the Tony McSweeny trial, Exaro claimed that: “the court heard that Stingemore had a prior conviction for abusing Peter Hatton-Bornshin”. But – whom did “the court” hear this from? From the prosecution? From the defense? From the testimony of a complainant against McSweeny?
Can anyone verify that such a statement really was made in court during the McSweeny trial and were this info came from? Exaro have a record of mysteriously hearing things said “in court” that no one else hears, or that are falsehoods. Exaro claimed to have heard that Kenneth Clarke was being investigated for abusing a boy, who was not Ben Fellows, “in court” – but both Clarke and the police have publicly denied this. Can anyone confirm that Stingemore had prior CSA conviction, from actual police or court documents? -
September 13, 2015 at 1:05 pm -
I thought you were referring to me when I saw: “…the successful hedge funder…” then I saw it was “funder” not “finder”. I guess I’ll just have to wait for a special range of clothing aimed at very slow wobbly old cyclists.
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September 13, 2015 at 2:29 pm -
Anna, thank you for both that incredible murder mixup story AND the affirmation of my chocolately predilections!
In terms of that study on fat bottomed girls, I had a friend who met an unfortunate end recently. Evidently his wife had asked him “Honey, does this outfit make my ass look fat?”
http://i.imgur.com/G4bmgIm.jpg
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September 13, 2015 at 2:45 pm -
I think I just vomited a little in my throat. She’s what ? The Grand Dyker-byker and Scissorer Of The Louisiana Klit-K-lick-Klan ?
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September 13, 2015 at 2:53 pm -
ewwwwwwwww…. vomited a little in your throat?
Do you mean like this?
http://i.imgur.com/BjUT90V.jpg
:>
MJM -
September 13, 2015 at 3:06 pm -
To lower the tone further (I can’t help myself), that reminds me of a straight friend once turning to me and saying: “You know you’re having sex with a fat bird when she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo…”
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September 13, 2015 at 3:37 pm -
To raise the tone somewhat, in that anything this one sits on can surely only but squeak in a very high pitch squeal, and to be as even handed – or should that be even buttocked? – as ever, for your further amazement
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September 13, 2015 at 6:13 pm -
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-suffolk-34226901
I know I say East Anglia is another planet but I didn’t mean Tatooine! Jabba lives! Lock up your slave girls and instruments of torture.
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September 13, 2015 at 6:07 pm -
“You know you’re having sex with a fat bird when she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo…”
That almost mirrors some paternal advice i gave to my Sons…translated out of the Denglisch “if you can hear the stereo you aren’t doing it [cunnilingus ] enough right…”
There, that has lowered the tone so far it’s subsonic and my work here is done.
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September 13, 2015 at 8:00 pm -
To lower the tone to really subterranean levels, one could to suggest that the evidence points to the dementia repellent chocolate being the most likely prime suspect for the more rotund posteriors measured by the researchers in their close studies, as their principal subjects certainly aren’t aren’t likely to be overdoing the cream pies.
And at that, I’ll get my coat, well, all of them, and make a run for it that would leave Mo Farah so far behind in the dust as to be a mere speck on the horizon
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September 13, 2015 at 2:45 pm -
So that’s how ‘squishy’ originated! See first entry @
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September 13, 2015 at 2:57 pm -
Re squishy: I had gotten very close to a wonderful, beautiful, but almost painfully thin nurse a few years ago. We generally just saw each other when we’d meet up at a partiucular pub late in the evening, and something had happened where I didn’t see her for a month or two. When I *did* bump into her and we’d done the requisite hugging and gurgling, I finished up the hellos by noting how healthy she looked and how good it was that she’d put on a bit of weight!
Uh oh…
I was lucky to get out of there alive.
– MJM
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September 13, 2015 at 3:47 pm -
Well, it’s back to the real world:
What could possibly go wrong with this? All those with personal domestic staff had better be nice to EVERYONE now, or a report gets made! I am looking forward to allegations of historical trafficking…
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September 13, 2015 at 4:58 pm -
Is it not evident that fat women find it harder to get boyfriends, so they get their consolation by fingering each other.
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September 13, 2015 at 5:02 pm -
Now there’s a vivid imagination at work…
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September 13, 2015 at 6:08 pm -
Although, in some cultures, the presence of an amply-cushioned posterior is considered a feature of great attraction between opposite sexes. Indeed those current tabloid darlings, that Kardashians, may represent this boosted-buttock attraction now also becoming adopted into the Western hetero-culture.
Perhaps this vital research now needs to be extended into those more distant areas to validate its findings multiculturally – I feel some long, tropical jaunts coming on for all the so-called scientists, all paid for by us, of course. Lubbly Jubbly. -
September 13, 2015 at 9:23 pm -
Fat birds and mopeds. Both are great fun to ride, until your mates find out!!!
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September 13, 2015 at 5:48 pm -
Anna – did you see the reports this week that the latest fad “mindfulness meditation” leads to false memories. It would be interesting to see how many of the recent accusers of celebs & politicians had been doing mindfulness.
http://theweek.com/articles/576735/how-mindfulness-meditation-makes-more-susceptible-false-memories
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3228473/Mindfulness-meditation-fad-popular-celebrities-including-Emma-Watson-make-dream-false-memories.html
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