A Loose Screw
Screw David Cameron and George Osborne. Screw Theresa May and Iain Duncan Smith. Screw Yvette Cooper, Jeremy Corbyn, Liz Kendall and Andy Burnham. Screw Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives. Screw the Commons and the Lords. Screw Nigel Farage. Screw Law firms and the legal system. Screw the police. Screw the Ministry of Justice. Screw the court of public opinion and the public. Screw Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Screw Rita Ora and Justin Bieber. Screw Olly Murs and Sam Smith. Screw Ed Sheeran and One Direction. Screw Simon Cowell and Sheryl Cole. Screw Mary Berry. Screw Sue Perkins. Screw Lord Sugar. Screw Nick Grimshaw and Lauren Laverne. Screw Chris Evans and Jeremy Clarkson. Screw Katie Hopkins and Katie Price. Screw EL James. Screw Hollywood blockbusters and multiplexes. Screw sequels, prequels and reboots. Screw selfie sticks. Screw Instagram. Screw Twitter and Facebook. Screw trolls and trending now. Screw ISIS and the EDL. Screw self-help gurus. Screw motivational posters. Screw the mainstream media and social media. Screw false abuse allegations. Screw the Countryside Alliance. Screw New Age Travellers. Screw retired academics. Screw benefits caps and baseball caps. Screw white rastas. Screw perma-tans. Screw leggings. Screw credit cards. Screw the World Bank. Screw the G8. Screw weekend anarchists.
Screw the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, the Daily Telegraph, the Guardian, the Daily Mirror, the Daily Star, the Sun, the Independent and the Times. Screw Sky and Murdoch. Screw Channel 5. Screw TOWIE, the Voice, Strictly Come Dancing, the Great British Bake-Off, Big Brother, I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here, Gogglebox, Benefits Street, Britain’s Got Talent and the X-Factor. Screw shopping malls and retail parks. Screw KFC, Starbucks and Costa Coffee. Screw yummy mummies and their kids. Screw catchment areas, league tables, academies and students. Screw Waitrose. Screw theme parks and theme bars. Screw high school proms. Screw trick or treat. Screw summer. Screw Christmas and New Year. Screw commercial local radio. Screw lecturers, teachers and preachers. Screw universities. Screw the upper-class. Screw the middle-class. Screw the under-class. Screw Scotland. Screw Wales. Screw the North. Screw the Midlands. Screw motorways. Screw Soft Tories and Hard Tories. Screw Armchair Socialists. Screw banks and building societies. Screw energy suppliers. Screw fracking. Screw eco-warriors. Screw award ceremonies. Screw stubble. Screw historical sex abuse. Screw Mark Williams-Thomas. Screw revisionists. Screw Professional Victims. Screw the EU and the Euro. Screw the FA and FIFA. Screw the DWP. Screw breakfast TV and daytime TV. Screw Susannah Reid.
Screw the iPhone. Screw the iPad. Screw the Apple Watch. Screw legal highs. Screw M&S food. Screw hoodies and hipsters. Screw beards. Screw gladiator sandals and Ugg Boots. Screw eyelashes on car headlights. Screw Take a Break. Screw the January sales. Screw designer labels and status symbols. Screw the SNP. Screw rolling news channels. Screw sports channels. Screw widescreen TVs. Screw Blu-Ray. Screw the young. Screw the old. Screw tattoos and piercings. Screw political correctness. Screw golf, golfers and golf-clubs. Screw rugby league and rugby union. Screw the left. Screw the right. Screw the centre ground. Screw non-doms and nimbys. Screw ex-pats. Screw Later with Jools Holland. Screw Botox. Screw Paedos and Paedo-hunters. Screw call-centres and cold-callers. Screw male grooming products. Screw the smoking ban. Screw corporate hospitality suites. Screw white weddings and self-written wedding vows. Screw tracksuit bottoms. Screw COBRA. Screw This Morning, Loose Women and Jeremy Kyle. Screw group hugs. Screw feminazis. Screw Lad Culture. Screw tuition fees. Screw online petitions. Screw flashmobs and photo-bombs. Screw internet sensations.
Screw families. Screw parents. Screw siblings. Screw in-laws. Screw the obese. Screw mobility scooters. Screw graffiti. Screw black bins and green bins. Screw recycling. Screw austerity. Screw the colour pink. Screw estate agents. Screw private landlords. Screw farmers. Screw bankers. Screw hunt supporters. Screw hunt saboteurs. Screw OfCom. Screw oligarchs. Screw Owen Jones. Screw Polly Toynbee. Screw Peter Hitchens. Screw David Starkey. Screw sex. Screw violence. Screw pornography. Screw the moral minority. Screw vajazzles. Screw William and Kate. Screw Peter Andre. Screw Bono. Screw Chris Martin. Screw Putin. Screw the Kardashians and Kanye West. Screw Glastonbury. Screw advertising. Screw video games. Screw 4×4 vehicles. Screw car alarms. Screw burglar alarms. Screw Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. Screw stadium comedians. Screw Graham Norton and Alan Carr. Screw Alan Yentob. Screw old rock stars. Screw young rock stars. Screw boring old hippies. Screw boring old punks. Screw activism and radicalism. Screw pound shops. Screw scratch-cards and the National Lottery. Screw Chavs. Screw Goths. Screw young professionals. Screw focus groups. Screw backpacking and gap years. Screw the President. Screw the Pope. Screw organised religion. Screw the twenty-first century.
Have a nice day.
Petunia Winegum
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August 1, 2015 at 9:08 am -
There you go, Petunia.
Have a nice day.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_i_0_7?k=screwdriver+set&sprefix=screwdr
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August 1, 2015 at 9:15 am -
Screw you….
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August 1, 2015 at 9:30 am -
You missed one. Screw who?…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvhbGGkhKe4 -
August 1, 2015 at 9:37 am -
And you’re left with a lovely cup if tea
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August 1, 2015 at 9:38 am -
*of*
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August 1, 2015 at 9:40 am -
Nothing like the odd screw to start the weekend off well – but that’s a bit too much of a good thing, even for me.
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August 1, 2015 at 9:57 am -
I’m trying to work out whether this post is the result of too much coke,too little sleep,not enough paracetamol the morning after the night before, lack of serotonin or a reasonable attempt at “punk poetry”. …ok a rather good bit of punk poetry. It’s all in the juxtaposition, people.
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August 1, 2015 at 9:59 am -
Do you feel better now?
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August 1, 2015 at 10:32 am -
There, there, it’s good to get it off your chest once in a while
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August 1, 2015 at 10:38 am -
I am not always the most perceptive of men — well, I suppose my use of the word ‘men’ means I’m not perceptive full stop, but … Something about this post whispers to me that you are a little peeved with things, Petunia. Perhaps I have finally managed to ‘get in touch with my feminine side’. Thank you for your assistance in this arduous task !
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August 1, 2015 at 10:42 am -
Screw-g.
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August 1, 2015 at 10:44 am -
Followed by The Taming of the Screw.
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August 1, 2015 at 10:57 am -
OK, Hands up – who upset the barman?
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August 1, 2015 at 6:12 pm -
At a guess-the whole world!
His comments do explain why the condom machine in the gents washroom is empty though. Thats a whole lotta screwing going on.
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August 1, 2015 at 11:22 am -
Well I don’t think you’ve offended anybody of note – at least Cecil was spared.
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August 1, 2015 at 11:30 am -
Made me smile, now that’s an achievement!
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August 1, 2015 at 11:47 am -
Who rattled YOUR cage?
Funnily enough, you included everything I would have.But then, as I look around me, I see trees of green, and roses, too. I hear babies cry and watch them grow…and yes, I believe that children are our future…in fact, we are the children…hell, we are the world! We’ll make a better day, just you and me……
Sick Bowl anyone?
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August 1, 2015 at 11:47 am -
Lords and Commons of England, consider what Nation it is whereof ye are, and whereof ye are the governours: a Nation not slow and dull, but of a quick, ingenious, and piercing spirit, acute to invent, suttle and sinewy to discours, not beneath the reach of any point the highest that human capacity can soar to. Therefore the studies of learning in her deepest Sciences have bin so ancient, and so eminent among us, that Writers of good antiquity, and ablest judgement have bin perswaded that ev’n the school of Pythagoras, and the Persian wisdom took beginning from the old Philosophy of this Iland. And that wise and civill Roman, Julius Agricola, who govern’d once here for Cæsar, preferr’d the naturall wits of Britain, before the labour’d studies of the French. […] But now, as our obdurat Clergy have with violence demean’d the matter, we are become hitherto the latest and backwardest Schollers, of whom God offer’d to have made us the teachers.
from Milton’s ‘Areopagitica’
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August 1, 2015 at 11:56 am -
Well. At least your heart’s in the right place Petunia.
Recall now with this “who” calls in Remembrance Day and near Christmastime?
I feel bad for Cecil of Zimbabwe I pray you understand – my Sincere apologies on my habit of grading.
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August 1, 2015 at 12:45 pm -
…hiding in plain sight
http://english.emory.edu/classes/paintings&poems/auden.html
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August 1, 2015 at 12:34 pm -
Eyelashes on car headlights?!? Really? This bubble-boy is staying put.
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August 1, 2015 at 12:45 pm -
I was waiting for the punchline.
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August 1, 2015 at 4:58 pm -
Me too!
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August 1, 2015 at 2:25 pm -
The barman has nailed it.
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August 1, 2015 at 7:00 pm -
I should perhaps not get mine tarted up then?
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August 1, 2015 at 6:07 pm -
Screw vajazzles.
I do so hope I wasn’t the only one who had to google that? Thank God I am now through and passed the stage in my life when I might have encountered a vajazzle in it’s unnatural habitat…not quite sure how I would reacted….probably an unkind comment about ‘pearls and swine’ or ‘ if i had wanted to fondle sparkling things I would have stayed down the mine with the other 6 dwarves’
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August 1, 2015 at 10:09 pm -
At least you got ‘screw the Daily Mail’ right. But you could have added their editors, journalists, and commentators for good measure.
It took me 30 minutes research yesterday afternoon, with the ever present help of Google, to work out who the owner of the plane that crashed at Blackbushe was likely to be. It’s easy if you know what to look for.
And, while I gavc up looking at the DM on anything like a regular basis some time ago – and I feel ever so much better for doing so – this morning I thought that it would be interesting to see how they had developed the story. Ye gods…
If the DM ever wants to really contribute to the immigration issue, the best thing they could do is hand out free copies at Calais. Any self respecting potential immigrant would think very hard about going to any country where so many of the natives seem to have no shame in proving themselves to be as thick as shit.
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August 1, 2015 at 10:12 pm -
To be as even handed as ever, it would probably be fair to say the same about the Guardian and its clientele. They just tend to write their shit a bit more eloquently
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August 4, 2015 at 11:07 pm -
Ok. No-one else is going to ask it … why is it only white rastas who are to be screwed? Are you a racist? Oh, no wait; you can’t be racist against white folk, can you? Have a good look inside, Petunia, you are far more brainwashed than you think.
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August 5, 2015 at 2:33 pm -
Beautiful *cries*
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