I shall dine on Mince and slices of Quince…
For Ms Raccoon is putting to sea in a pea-green boat. Or maybe it’s not the boat that will be pea-green but Ms Raccoon. We shall see.
I have thrown caution to the wind, and signed up to crew on the Lord Nelson, a 55 metre square rigged ‘tall ship’, that has just returned from the ‘Norton Rose Sail the World Challenge’ where she circumnavigated the world with a crew composed of severely disabled people who are paired off with complete lemons like me to learn the art of splicing the mainbrace and tying three sheets to the wind. Mr G says a lemon comes in very handy when the order comes in to ‘splice the wottsit’ but not to bank on ice? I’ve obviously got to learn a whole new language…
I’ve no idea who I shall be paired off with yet, but whatever they want to do, it will be my job to help them do it – please God it doesn’t involve the crow’s nest, though I would not put anything past this ship – they even manage to get people in wheelchairs up to the crow’s nest (probably the only way they will get me up there, actually – let’s call it a mental disability rather than physical in my case).
It is a fantastic opportunity and I’m really looking forward to it. Mr G spent all last week wagging his finger at me, telling me I couldn’t possibly go ‘now’, but he has relented and the Jubilee Sailing Trust have had a long talk with the Doctors, and all are agreed, that so long as I stay as I currently am – I can go. So, all set for August 30th.
The Lord Nelson and her sister ship the Tenacious are the only two tall ships in the world purpose-designed and built to enable a crew of mixed physical abilities to sail side by side on equal terms. So far, they tell me, they have taken some 11,000 people who were were physically disabled and 4,200 wheelchair users.
I think it is utterly brilliant. So that is Ms Raccoon’s next goal. Scan on 28th July; Consultant on 16th August – and then we are off! Only British coastal waters sadly, can’t frighten Mr G too much in one hit – though I have my eye on one of the Antarctica trips…
I feel as though I should be ‘doing summit’ with this opportunity, but am not particularly in favour of charities as you know, so fund raising not so appropriate – anybody got any ideas as to how I can put this opportunity to better use than just enjoying it?
Suggestions welcome.
- FrankH
June 21, 2015 at 9:22 am -
You daft old biddy, haven’t you got a rocking chair to keep warm? I think I love you.
As for “I feel as though I should be ‘doing summit’ with this opportunity, but am not particularly in favour of charities as you know, so fund raising not so appropriate – anybody got any ideas as to how I can put this opportunity to better use than just enjoying it?” No suggestions other than to blog it but I’m sure you’ll do that anyway. I don’t know if it’s what you do best but you certainly do it better than most.
- JimmyGiro
June 21, 2015 at 9:26 am -
“anybody got any ideas as to how I can put this opportunity to better use than just enjoying it?”
Nope, just enjoy it… with a daily video-blogg.
- JuliaM
June 21, 2015 at 4:03 pm -
Fabulous idea!
- JuliaM
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 21, 2015 at 9:30 am -
anybody got any ideas as to how I can put this opportunity to better use than just enjoying it?
Pirate radio station perhaps?
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 21, 2015 at 10:00 am -
Show that Kate Winceylet how it’s done? http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b116/horta/Titanicracoon_zpstb04toop.png
- VftS
June 21, 2015 at 10:08 am -
You lucky, lucky Procyon.
There is no finer sight than a square-rigger under full sail beating past the Nab tower.
But to be aboard ……Just enjoy every moment. It’s not you. Ms Raccoon., who’s in danger of green, but I. With envy.
View from the Solent
- Misa
June 21, 2015 at 10:44 am -
Can we sponsor you to have the mainsail printed in letters ten feet tall: ‘Jim Fixed it for Me’?
- Robert Edwards
June 21, 2015 at 11:02 am -
Good Lord. Whatever next? Scamp.
I can recall (with very mixed emotions now) the sight of the Russian officer training ship ‘Serov’ sailing into New York harbour on a ‘goodwill visit’. It was/is a four-masted whopper, which looked massive even at the angle from which I saw it, which was the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center (sic). I could tell, even from 100 floors up that it was a tall ship. A very tall one.
All the little snotties were arrayed in white kit on every yardarm. Q. an impressive sight and one impossible to repeat. So, a sort of double vertigo for me.
But you must avoid at least two of the traditions of the Navy. The rum bit is fine, but I’d draw the line at sodomy and the lash. Although, in these odiously PC days, I imagine that one of those is probably compulsory…
Kiss me, Hardy…
- JuliaM
June 21, 2015 at 4:05 pm -
With the release of a new ‘Fifty Shades…’ book, you can count the lash back in. And probably the sodomy too, though I’ve not read any of ’em!
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 21, 2015 at 4:15 pm -
though I’ve not read any of ’em!
You and countless others . Infact so many people claim never to have read them that I have to wonder how the blessed things ever got to number one on the best seller lists. Amazing. Bit like it is really hard to find anyone who will admit to having voted for Blair….
- Robert Edwards
June 21, 2015 at 6:53 pm -
I have a policy on this. If my interlocutor expresses ‘disappointment’ at the outcome of the New Labour years, I say: “Well, that obviously means you must have voted for them, in which case I am relieved of the burden of ever speaking to you again…”
- Robert Edwards
- The Blocked Dwarf
- JuliaM
- Ellen Coulson
June 21, 2015 at 11:05 am -
How perfectly spiffing. Climb the mast and hoist a Raccoon flag. Well done.
- Daft Lassie
June 21, 2015 at 11:14 am -
Rum, Sodomy and the Lash was Churchill’s take on it, although George Melly’s naval autobiography lists Rum, Bum and Concertina, which suggests more musical interludes instead of strict discipline, but equivalent amounts of Yo Ho Ho of both other kinds.
Hence my suggestion is that Anna takes a quick course in either dancing the Sailor’s Hornpipe or learning a musical instrument.
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 21, 2015 at 11:51 am -
Mince? Quince? Don’t forget the Cat Biscuits and boiled eggs! http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2442319/Raccoon-survives-month-sea-board-ship-Canada-Britain-eating-cardboard-drinking-condensation.html
- macheath
June 21, 2015 at 12:27 pm -
I hope the Captain is a decent sort – otherwise I fear a raccoon-led mutiny may cast him adrift somewhere off Tiree.
As for ‘putting this opportunity to use’, I reckon you deserve a bit of enjoyment without obligations. Immerse yourself in ‘Hornblower’ and ‘Master and Commander’ for the next few weeks, then go out and have the best game of ‘let’s pretend’ ever.
- Paul Widdecombe
June 23, 2015 at 1:02 am -
Not sure that Captain Barbara Campbell is a “him”, but you cannae be too sure these days about such social constructs as “gender”…
- Paul Widdecombe
- Joe Public
June 21, 2015 at 1:20 pm -
Will it have Wi-Fi??????????????????
- Mazz
June 21, 2015 at 1:30 pm -
HMS Raccoon – God Bless this ship and all who sail in her – especially MS Raccoon!
- Doonhamer
June 21, 2015 at 2:00 pm -
Hope your timbers get shivered, your mainbrace gets spliced (many times, many, many times) and may the sun be forever over your yard-arm. Bon voyage and safe home.
- David Duff
June 21, 2015 at 2:25 pm -
From a recent post over at my place:
“I think I may have mentioned before my total ignorance concerning ships and boats, a means of transport I view with the gravest suspicion, although to be fair, it’s not so much the boats as what they float in that I distrust. Even so, to this day I still refer to the ‘sharp end’ and the ‘blunt end’ when referring to a ship’s extremities, and when it comes to the difference between port and starboard I needs must rely on my memory – yeeeees, quite! – for that old adage ‘there is some Red Port Left’.”
- Ed P
June 21, 2015 at 2:33 pm -
I have a runcible spoon (& a five pound note*) if you need it.
It sounds a daunting challenge even for the able-bodied – good luck and no pushing wheelchairs overboard!
* when’s the tip jar going to appear? - Cloudberry
June 21, 2015 at 2:49 pm -
How wonderful! You could make an effigy and keelhaul it! A quick check shows other options include tying to the mast and dunking from the yardarm.
- Mudplugger
June 21, 2015 at 2:57 pm -
What an utterly mad-cap, bad-ass, loony-tunes, barkingly brilliant idea – may the winds be with you as you earn your Blue Peter badge.
As an alternative to humming “For those in peril on the sea” while frantically friggin’ in the riggin’, why not try to recall all the verses, or add some more new ones…
We were on the good ship Venus,
By hell you should have seen us.
The figurehead was a nude in bed,
Carved out of an elephant’s penis.The Captain’s name was Horton,
By hell he had a short ‘un.
To make up for his loss he had balls like a hoss
And a fart like a 500 Norton.The cabin-boy, called Kipper,
A bloody awkward nipper,
Who just for a farce, put glass up his arse
And circumcised the Skipper.Over to you…..
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 21, 2015 at 3:26 pm -
*lyrics of song containing pretty much every obscenity in the English Language* -Muddy
…there will, no doubt, be OFFENDED
lettersemails to Captain Raccoon and she won’t be bringing you your wine (’69 Vintage) anytime soon I guess.- Engineer
June 22, 2015 at 8:34 am -
Following Petunia’s recent series, at least our landlady will have a good working knowledge of some important nautical terminology, which should be useful when breaking the ice with the Salty Sea-Dogs. (Though if you find yourselves breaking ice in August, it may be time to relieve the Navigation Officer of his duties, and use the Sat-Nav instead.)
- Engineer
- David Simons
June 21, 2015 at 5:17 pm -
The First Mate’s name was Carter
By God he was a farter
When the wind wouldn’t blow
and the ship wouldn’t go
Carter the farter would start ‘er - Daft Lassie
June 21, 2015 at 5:38 pm -
The Purser’s wife was Mabel,
Who whenever she was able,
would give the crew their daily screw,
Upon the galley table. - Dave
June 21, 2015 at 10:22 pm -
“‘Twas in the Adriatic
Where the water’s almost static
The rise and falls of the cocks and balls
Was almost automatic!”
- The Blocked Dwarf
- Eddy
June 21, 2015 at 3:19 pm -
Make sure you turn up with a cutlass and a brace of pistols!. There is historical precedence for lady pirates, though I suspect they may not have been particularly lady like! I mention this purely for historical background
I hope you are fit for the voyage and have a marvelous time, most splendid racoon. - Carol42
June 21, 2015 at 4:15 pm -
I am speechless Anna ! You are amazing. Have a great adventure and keep proving your onc wrong for a very long time.
- Cascadian
June 21, 2015 at 6:27 pm -
The answer landlady is in the poem you quote:
……..Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.May you and Mr G “dance by the light of the moon” for many years yet.
Overheard in the public bar-“She said she found her 1970’s bellbottoms and wanted to get the last bit of wear out of em.”
- Ancient+Tattered Airman
June 21, 2015 at 7:00 pm -
I hope we get clear picture of you wearing suitably nautical attire as you enjoy your swanning about!
- Ancient+Tattered Airman
June 21, 2015 at 7:03 pm -
Aaarrrggghhhh – can’t type! Add the letter s to the word picture, pretty please.
- Bill Sticker
June 21, 2015 at 7:06 pm -
All together now me hearties; “Arhhh!” Prepare to repel boarders and snub the day boys; La Raccoon is coming aboard.
Now Anna, remember one thing; only the Queen can order the Mainbrace spliced on a Royal Navy vessel. But since you’re not going out on one of those, no one will mind if you do. Go for it. Plough the foamy deeps, flog the ‘Oggin, and don’t forget the sun is always above the yardarm somewhere.
You will find that having a deck kicking underneath your feet in a channel swell is a highly therapeutic experience.
- Bandini
June 21, 2015 at 7:24 pm -
“Disabled people, on a boat, with me, Anna Raccoon… are they mad?!?”
Bearing in mind the way some ignoble members of the nutterati will no doubt view this noble venture, I couldn’t help but think of the 13th Duke of Wybourne when reading the above:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0lrQdFmL9U
I therefore suggest a giant inflatable Ted Heath balloon is raised aloft to bait a boatload of crazed ‘campaigners’ into hot pursuit. If the cap’n could be persuaded to make a slight detour (the choppy waters around Jersey, perhaps?) – and remembering that by this point their rickety craft will already be furiously rocking back & forth as they fight amongst themselves, stab each other in the back & generally act like deranged apes – your “doing summit” could be “doing the world a very big favour” by sending them all to the bottom of the briny.The resultant ecological disaster would be dire, it is true, the poison & venom released wiping out fishing-stocks for at least a generation or two. But they would recover, eventually, and it seems like a price worth paying to be rid of ’em!
Joking aside, this sounds like a wonderful adventure for yourself & whoever is lucky enough to be paired-off with you. Good luck!
- Moor Larkin
June 21, 2015 at 10:01 pm -
I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by;
And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking.I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.- Dave
June 21, 2015 at 10:24 pm -
“I must go down to the sea toady, the lonely sea and the sky,
I left my vest and socks there. I wonder if they’re dry?”
(Spike Milligan”- Moor Larkin
June 22, 2015 at 11:55 am -
Pieces of Eight! Pieces of Eight!
(Cap’n Flint)- Mudplugger
June 23, 2015 at 8:23 am -
Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven!
(They’ve just devalued the Doubloon in view of the Greek Euro crisis.)
- Mudplugger
- Moor Larkin
- Dave
- Alex
June 21, 2015 at 10:12 pm -
You’ll be fine ma’am just so long as you get a skipper like Jack Aubrey and a ship’s surgeon along the lines of Stephen Maturin. All the very best wishes to you and bon voyage!
- The Jannie
June 22, 2015 at 8:32 am -
If we’re going all poetical, take your pick of:
Quinquireme of Nineveh from distant Ophir,
Rowing home to haven in sunny Palestine,
With a cargo of ivory,
And apes and peacocks,
Sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine.Stately Spanish galleon coming from the Isthmus,
Dipping through the Tropics by the palm-green shores,
With a cargo of diamonds,
Emeralds, amythysts,
Topazes, and cinnamon, and gold moidores.Dirty British coaster with a salt-caked smoke stack,
Butting through the Channel in the mad March days,
With a cargo of Tyne coal,
Road-rails, pig-lead,
Firewood, iron-ware, and cheap tin trays. - Frankie
June 23, 2015 at 9:47 pm -
You gots to go for it, if its on the ‘bucket list’. Any why the hell not??
I an quite sure that ‘Sodomy and The Lash’ has been outlawed…
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