Normal for Norfolk?
Flat, boring, Norfolk – that’s the cliché. Occasionally you may find a trendy metro-land media type describing the ‘wide open skies’, ‘amazing vistas’ and ‘sense of time stood still’ before extolling the bargain basement price that they purchased a ‘dear little’ pied-à-terre for, from a cash strapped yokel. Further to the west of the county there are any number of previously rickety Georgian mansions that have been Farrow and Balled into acceptability by those who fancy they might just bump into minor royalty, e’en so, excitement only runs to a local garage hand, recast as ‘gastro chef’, running Polenta up the menu…
Even the main football club manages to have safe, sturdy Delia instead of rock nobility or Russian exotica in the chairman’s box. Nothing racy about Norfolk. Endless marshes with sensibly dressed accountants staring at empty skies hoping to catch sight of a bird – generally the Marsh Harrier.
Actually, it is why I chose to live in Norfolk, now that Stephen Fry has baled out. Stephen couldn’t make anything exciting happen here, which presumably is why he took off with his new wifelet to Honduras on his honeymoon – a Catholic country where gay marriage is illegal; the better to have a good old moan about how unfriendly the locals were when asked to celebrate the consummation of his union with young Master Elliott. I am beginning to understand why, irritatingly for some, for no-one would have taken an ounce of notice of them round here…
It started with a quick perusal of the planning notices in the local paper. Now there are thousands of green metal barns like the one pictured in these parts. Pretty much one in every field. Most of them filled with potato washing machines or Estonians dutifully grading carrots for Waitrose. Not this one! Dearie me No!
This one had applied for planning permission to open a retail shop on the site. I know what you’re thinking – a farm shop. How boring. You’re wrong, they wanted to open a shop selling sex toys. Bloody Hell – in the middle of a Norfolk field?
I looked up the population figures for Setchey – 367; of whom 19 are over 90 years old and 40 are below the age of consent. Curiouser and curiouser. Then I learnt of the immigrants. Not those sort of immigrants, a far racier variety of race you could say.
The applicants for retail planning permission were importing their own customers. Hmmn.
Saturday nights in the Setchey barn is ‘Black Dicks 4 White Chicks’ for instance – or if that is not to your taste, then how about the ‘East Anglia Spanking Society (Premier Spanking Party)’ or ‘Foxyladies (Transgender and Admirers Party Night)’ – and those are the tamer offerings!
We will welcome everyone over the age of 21 and cater for any gender and or orientation, whether experienced or newcomers. Dress Code: Dress to Impress and have clean hygiene. Numbers are limited for parties and are invite only.
The venue is discreetly situated along a private security covered road, away from residential areas and has plenty of private parking surrounding the venue which is covered by the venues external CCTV. With wifi, the heated venue consists of 3 playrooms and a fully equipped modern BDSM playroom.
Meet the hostess! A budding capitalist, she wishes to enlarge her business.
Ignore what you read in the media; these barns are not full of oppressed Eastern Europeans being mercilessly whipped by gang-masters to grade carrots faster, they’re er, well, er…..
Flat, boring Norfolk eh?
Many years ago, I used to help out a couple of well bred young ladies who ran a local restaurant based in a windmill. Occasionally they would close the restaurant for a private party. Always the same private party. A coach load of troopers from the household cavalry would arrive; be served champagne, then disappear to change out of their civvies for dinner.
7.30pm on the dot, they would totter into view, decked out in Dior, Givenchy, Yves St Laurent and 4″ killer heels. You’ve no idea how difficult it is to serve giant prawns in garlic with a straight face at times… those lads would tell you the most appalling jokes as you slid the prawns off the skewers.
Norfolk seems to have moved on since those gentler days.
* Ms Raccoon is not receiving commission for publicising Mistress Victoria’s establishment, however, for a small fee, I might be persuaded to give you the address. (Not you Blocked Dwarf!)
- Alexander Baron
June 17, 2015 at 9:13 am -
And where doubtless in due course you will be singing a duet with Allan Smethurst.
- Moor Larkin
June 17, 2015 at 9:28 am -
I’m beginning to see why they have so many empty and disused churches.
http://www.norfolkchurches.co.uk/about.htm - Joe Public
June 17, 2015 at 9:31 am -
And to get a party off to a real swing, there’s homegrown talent:
- Suffolker
June 17, 2015 at 9:40 am -
If this is Norfolk now, then you can keep stuffy old hodmedod-like North Suffolk. I shall hie myself to Lynn Regis right quick.
- Mudplugger
June 17, 2015 at 10:37 am -
“Sliding the prawns off the skewers” – is that a euphemism for something I probably wouldn’t understand, or want to ?
- Anon
June 17, 2015 at 10:43 am -
Fondly remember our “meet” in Norwich – Happier Days!
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It was, but today is an excellent day – bloody excellent!
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 17, 2015 at 11:38 am -
It was, but today is an excellent day – bloody excellent!
If it is a day when that round thing in the sky is shining (and causing a traffic jam around Norwich with all the gaffers, staring in wonderment at the alien object in the heavens), the birds are singing and a raccoon feels glad to be alive (and not having a bad fur day), then I shall forgive your eulogising.
BTW Don’t fret your pretty Procyon head Girl, Mr S.Fry Esq. will not stay in Honduras long, being contractually obligated, as he is, to appear in every film made in Britain since “V for Vendetta”.
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NO – this is the reason for my fantastic day…
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 17, 2015 at 11:47 am -
: ) As Bill & Ted might say: “Excellent. Most triumphant!”
- Bill Sticker
June 18, 2015 at 3:28 am -
MWT on the stand? Will the bible he swears the oath on burst into flames?
Now that will be interesting…….
- The Blocked Dwarf
- Moor Larkin
June 17, 2015 at 12:13 pm -
* Mr S.Fry Esq. will not stay in Honduras long, being contractually obligated, as he is, to appear in every film made in Britain since “V for Vendetta” *
Let’s hope he hasn’t gorn and married a boysie. If he has, he might be up for an Oscar.
http://www.independent.co.uk/incoming/article10031624.ece/alternates/w620/Elliott-Fry-Rex.jpg
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- Anon
June 17, 2015 at 4:18 pm -
I’m just catching up, can’t quite believe it! We got excited once before, I hope this momentum keeps going. Thank you!!!!
- The Blocked Dwarf
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- The Blocked Dwarf
June 17, 2015 at 10:57 am -
The Broad Norfolk word for ‘girl’ is ‘Mawther’ (‘Mother’). That simple fact alone tells you all you need to know about Norfolk. Don’t think I’ve ever claimed Norfolk is ‘boring’, assuming your definition of ‘fun’ is White Cider fueled incest, being told you are a ‘naughty boy’ by a coffee table dominatrix with a uniform fetish -her pseudo German accent overlaying the Norfolk one (truly a terrifying sound), or ‘worrying’ farmyard animals.
…We know a Norfolk song about that don’t we , boys and girls?:
Every June ‘o heaven oi goo
cos oi goo ‘o thur Norfook Show
Oi pre’end ‘o be a ve’
in thur ‘oop oi moigh’ gi’ some animal sex.
oOOOOH HoooOOO
Zoophilia a’ thur Norfook show
I’m a ‘rulie sick fucker who lives aloon
As thur bullocks aare lead ‘o thur Weoigh In S’ation
all oi feel ois pen’ up frus’ration.
As oi lollop aaround thur s’alls
Oi wen’ down on all fowers.
Pigs and chickens beggin’ for sex,
weaarin’ ‘heir shiny winners rose’tes…
- Oi you
June 17, 2015 at 1:35 pm -
Blimey, Mistress VJ looks quite comely, if you go for that sort of thing.
Reminds me of a couple who used to live in my locality, until he managed to earn himself a spell in one of Her Maj’s hotels. They were famous for their swingers’ parties, operating in a flat above a shop just round the corner from me. For a fee, you could indulge your greatest fantasy. Oooer missus! Quite the gossip down the local, as you can imagine. Especially as he was a married man with children from Kings Lynn. Heavens above! Come to think of it, I think he is out of the nick anytime now. Could him and Mistress VJ be related?
- Wiggia
June 17, 2015 at 2:50 pm -
Green metal barns are not the only buildings being subject to change of use in Norfolk.
In my previous small village there was a sudden influx of what turned out to be Vietnamese wandering about, very polite minding their own business they occupied a quite normal des res that had been let.
Whenever I drove past the curtains were always drawn and as time went by permanent condensation appeared, live and let live I say and so it went on for months until the condensation caused a structural failure upstairs and the electrics blew, only then did plod appear, the illegal Vietnamese had been the caretakers for a cannabis factory.
The resultant Police statement went on the lines “that this property was one of several they had been watching in the area”, all I can say is perhaps as the property nearly collapsed they should have stopped “watching” and closed it down.- Engineer
June 17, 2015 at 2:55 pm -
Right, so we’ve got the sex and the drugs; now all we need is the rock-n-roll. Anybody know any good bands from Norfolk?
- The Blocked Dwarf
June 17, 2015 at 3:19 pm -
Anybody know any good bands from Norfolk?
Yep, the band “Normal for Norfolk” who sing it like it is…the blues are truth, man.
http://frenchfloosie.com/i.lost.my.virginity.at.banham.zoo.mp3
- Wiggia
June 17, 2015 at 7:49 pm -
There is very little of that, well that which is any good.
- IlovetheBBC
June 17, 2015 at 10:31 pm -
I keep seeing the Floating Greyhounds advertised in hostelries round Norwich, but never managed to hear them yet.
- IlovetheBBC
- The Blocked Dwarf
- Engineer
- Mark II
June 17, 2015 at 3:08 pm -
I wonder why Stephen Fry didn’t take hubby to Saudi Arabia for their honeymoon – I hear that they are pretty relaxed about gay marriage.
I suppose that in Norfolk they would have assumed that the two chaps in the bridal suite were father and son!
- Moor Larkin
June 17, 2015 at 5:12 pm -
At least in Saudi Bosie wouldn’t have to carry his passport to prove he was old enough to drink…
- Moor Larkin
- Carol42
June 17, 2015 at 3:11 pm -
Off topic but I read an article in the Indelendent by Liz Dux on the upset caused to Rolf Haiis ‘victims’ much to my surprise most of the comments were distinctly skeptical about their claims. Maybe the tide is turning.
- Alex
June 17, 2015 at 4:06 pm -
We can live in hope – I do.
- Alex
- Moor Larkin
June 17, 2015 at 3:20 pm -
A few days ago you wrote:
“It was Saturday night, this hospital was slap in the middle of what has been called the benefit capital of England.”Today you wrote:
“Ignore what you read in the media; these barns are not full of oppressed Eastern Europeans being mercilessly whipped by gang-masters to grade carrots faster…”What is normal for Norfolk these days? I am beginning to wonder.
It all sounds a bit like the NHS, where we cannot function without the immigrants we are told, even if they are coming her to murder us all with insulin, and yet, all at the same time, we have Britain labelled as the Benefits capital of Europe. Perhaps Norfolk is more normal than we might like to think. - Ted Treen
June 17, 2015 at 6:53 pm -
You can always count on people from Norfolk.
Up to 12 if you use the digits on both their hands…
- Wiggia
June 17, 2015 at 7:51 pm -
Or eight in some villages.
- Ted Treen
June 19, 2015 at 11:02 am
- Ted Treen
- Wiggia
- binao
June 17, 2015 at 8:16 pm -
As part of my industrial rambling I did a spell in Norwich. My feel about that experience was that a lot of people were being held in a kind of 1950’s timewarp by bosses disinclined to move into the modern world. Not a technology thing, but resistance to giving people responsibility, & accepting that women weren’t just a step above farmyard animals. ‘Tried that it didn’t work here….’ about sums it up.
Not bothered by the speech, having also done Glasgow & the NW of England.
Problem is I still come across some locked in time people in Sussex too- ‘We won’t be druv’.
Just not a city full. - The Blocked Dwarf
June 17, 2015 at 9:54 pm -
touch of the Amsterdams without the foaming-at-the-mouth junkies.
Oh they foam at the mouth in Norwich too…just we call that ‘rabies’ or ‘Syphilis’ or someother disease caught from too close a…uhm…’contact’…with animals….Lovely looking town? Pet, to misquote Ray, “If I grew up in some ‘Geordie’ Coal Hole, and was retarded, Norwich might impress me but I didn’t, so it doesn’t”
Mind you, the town where I live does genuinely have a touch of the Flemish…almost all the older buildings have flemish gabels …and some of them have ‘dragons teeth’ -presumably to slow down a possible German advance through the Low Counties….https://c2.staticflickr.com/8/7006/6778076683_7e3c9509ac_b.jpg - Ho Hum
June 17, 2015 at 10:34 pm -
Nothing to get unduly excited about here
I have it on good authority that Mr Dacre’s readers British Bill of Rights and Wrongs will soon see off this lot of pervs. No room for people who are that different, no matter whether or not they are really bothering anyone else or not.
- Ed P
June 17, 2015 at 11:45 pm -
MWT+CPE= TEMP WC
He must be shitting bricks
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