Did you ever fight your way to the front of the lucky dip stall, bag your prize, and then realise you had beaten off all contenders – to the booby prize?

The Guardian must be feeling the same way today.

Hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of top flight barristers, arguing arcane points of law, later – the Guardian excitedly reveals a matter of constitutional importance!

The Prince of Wales doesn’t write ‘black spider’ letters – he has a minion type them for him.

Who would have thought a man of such impotence importance would concern himself, like one of the oligarchs of Greenpeace, with the Patagonian Tootfish? The very model of a modern Guardian reader!

Would it ever have occurred to you that a man brought up in the homeopathic tradition should have thought that it should be extended to the hoi polloi via the NHS? How incredibly un-aristocratic of him.

Rob Evans pursuit of the fabled ‘black spider’ letters must rank as one of the finest own goals in modern times. How the royal aides must have sniggered as they watched the Guardian divert near half a million quid of tax payers money from the sick, the vulnerable, and the needy, to expose Prince Charles as a bleeding heart liberal who fretted about badger’s lungs and the diet of your average albatross.

I can imagine Rob Evans dreaming of a letter demanding that Lord Janner be shielded from prosecution, or banker’s bonus’ be double this year – anything but the mundane hand-wringing of a natural talent for the Comment is Free section of his paper.

Charles’ next letter should be on the subject of a so called ‘progressive’ newspaper squandering public money in an attempt to drum up support for their ideal of a Presidential Consort called ‘Mrs Ed Balls’.

Those of us that don’t froth at the mouth at a mention of the monarchy and are objective in our viewpoints would prefer a vaguely dotty head of State who confines his meddling to supporting organic food, the price of milk, and the quality of school dinners.

This was described as ‘political lobbying at the highest level’ – the putrid rag gleefully declaring they have revealed Charles somehow abusing a position of power and exerting influence over policy makers. Prince Charles paid £9.3M in income tax last year – he’s got as much right as the rest of us to lie awake worrying about the poor diet of the anorexic arctic albatross. He is equally entitled to express an opinion. I assume Minsters are of a suitably robust constitution to be able to mutter ‘FFS’ and turn their attention to weightier matters?

The Murdoch press is picking up awards for its campaigning and exposure of child abuse in Rochdale amongst other cities, and the Guardian spends its time – and our money – snapping at the ankles of a future monarch with an interest in preserving the quality of British beef?

Now, can we have a Freedom of Information request to see what ‘meddling’ was engaged in by unelected Guardian journalists when the biggest deregulation in UK banking history occurred leading to the financial shitstorm that hit in 2007/8.

Can we have a Freedom of Information request to see what ‘meddling’ was engaged in by unelected Guardian journalists leading to the ‘Wikileak’ of the workings of our security services?

We can’t – those unelected meddlers are unaccountable.