Clit-Lit
I know a few of you are…erm…‘getting on’, but if you can dust off the cobwebs and cast your minds back as far as two days ago, you might just recall mention of the ‘Clean Reader’ app, which automatically replaces what it considers to be offensive words when attached to one’s eBook. I thought it an especially pernicious development in the growing encroachment of puritanical control of what we can and cannot read, but it seems this is merely the technological tip of an insidious iceberg. It would appear our old friends, the Feminazi’s, are now poised to enter the app market as well.
The so-called ‘Opwinden’ app is apparently designed for the tech-savvy feminist who also enjoys a good book and will be on sale (presumably not to male customers) by this time next year. Its design is credited to a Belgian Feminist Collective, believe it or not, one of whom is an obscure Ghent-based lesbian MEP called Juliette Liegen-Teef, so we can safely assume this nifty addition to the penis-envy posse has been endorsed by the EU. This means, of course, it will be unleashed upon the British market simultaneously with the rest of Europe.
What does this device do, though? Well, I recommend you sit down and perhaps have a glass of water, because this frankly beggars belief. According to the promotional guff, the Opwinden app, when attached to an eBook novel, substitutes all male characters in any given work of fiction with female ones, changing their names and replacing their naughty bits with female naughty bits should they be exposed to the reader. The mind truly boggles. So, were it applied to ‘Wuthering Heights’, for example, Heathcliff is automatically gender-reassigned, as is Cathy’s husband Edgar – presumably they entered into a same-sex marriage a couple of hundred years before such a thing actually existed. But I don’t even want to think what ghastly liberties this hideous literary vibrator will take with the milestones of classic literature, let alone contemporary fiction; I just find it hard to believe such a philistine tool could even be conceived of, never mind built and then sold as something positive. It is no different from painting over Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and putting Eve in his place. It is pissing on the graves of great artists – male and female – from a great height, as jaw-dropping an act of staggering sacrilege as the damage ISIS did to the ancient ruins of Nimrud.
Perhaps inevitably, the Pink Van Gal herself, Harriet Harman, has got wind of this appalling object and has been sufficiently intrigued by its potential to suggest that a Labour Government would not only recommend its distribution throughout all-girl schools (sorry, academies) in England and Wales, but has hinted it would also be a prominent bonus to reading material available in NHS hospitals. Nicola Sturgeon has yet to comment.
The Opwinden app makes Clean Reader look like a Fisher-Price novelty toy; what it represents is the latest move in a fundamental rewriting of history, for literature has been pivotal to civilisation ever since oral fables were first jotted down on parchment and stone tablets. It will present a lopsided and nonsensical, imaginary all-female world to the reader as fact, one in which men do not exist whatsoever, not even as lowly serfs. The delicate topic of reproduction will be glossed over, of course; we will have to assume IVF has always been with us. But more than that, by effectively erasing the male of the species from the storytelling process, this monstrosity of technology is aiding an agenda already prevalent in what passes for feminist circles these days: the sly and stealthy eradication of men from the picture in a policy of gender genocide that to even question will result in being labelled a misogynist and being bombarded with messages of goodwill from she-trolls.
If technology has advanced to the point whereby an app can more or less instantly translate an entire text into something else altogether, then the editors who are currently leaving every programme featuring, or even referring to, a discredited 70s celebrity on the cutting-room floor of the TV archives will no longer need to be engaged in such a laborious task for much longer; an app will no doubt come along that does the job for them in a matter of seconds. Hey presto! Instant manipulation of the truth! The likes of Savile, Glitter, Harris and Hall will cease to exist because there will be no documentary evidence to prove they existed; an online Guinness Book of Hit Singles will show that the No.1 record on 28 July 1973 was not Gary Glitter’s first chart-topper, ‘I’m The Leader of the Gang (I Am)’, but the record it had deposed, ‘Welcome Home’ by Peters and Lee, which would enjoy a further four weeks at No.1 in the absence of the actual No.1, before being finally knocked-off by Donny Osmond. This hasn’t happened yet, but how long before it does?
Apparently, Jimmy Savile’s old waxwork has been melted down by Madame Tussaud’s because he was ‘too evil’ for the Chamber of Horrors – and it’s a wonder that task wasn’t performed ceremoniously with an audience of Survivors cheering-on. The fact that such is the routine fate that awaits every Tussaud’s facsimile once the shelf-life of a famous name has expired is academic in this case. The manner in which the process was publicised symbolises what has become an all-too familiar example of removing someone from history, something that is now second nature within the current climate regarding the recent past. But the makers of the Opwinden app are not merely concerned with removing one man from the record books; the ultimate aim appears to be the removal of the entire male side of the human race from the canon of English (and one presumes, eventually, world) literature.
There are some books featuring few, if any, female characters; testosterone-fuelled, unapologetically masculine works of fiction such as Andy McNabb’s ‘Bravo Two-Zero’ would actually be probably even funnier if all the major characters were suddenly transformed into women; and there’s no doubt that it could, in the wrong (or right) hands render certain books far more entertaining. It’s probably inevitable that it will be open to abuse in a similar vein to that recently launched talking doll, the one that answers trite questions put to it; quickly – and predictably – the mechanics of the doll’s voice-box were tampered with so that it was reduced to a foul-mouthed You Tube video star. But should we really regard the Opwinden app as a tool of amusement?
What the small and incurably prejudiced group of fanatics that devised the Opwinden app have failed to take into account is just how many millions of their ‘sisters’ actually read certain types of fiction because they relish the prospect of the unhappy heroine being ravished by a dashing bastard in the Mr Rochester mould. They form an instant affinity with the unhappy heroine, especially if the man snoring away next to them in bed is a pot-bellied pig with traces of the evening’s pizza clinging to his lips; they fantasise that a Darcy, a Poldark or even a Heathcliff will sweep them off their feet and onto the saddle, galloping away into the sunset and off to the castle where they will be relentlessly rogered within an inch of their lives for the rest of their lives. Some female fantasies haven’t changed since the distant days of the gothic novel and the damsel in distress – and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Try telling that to those blinkered bigots who are poised to promote this outrageous invention; and if you’re a man, don’t forget to don your cod-piece. It may be the last barrier between you and castration.
Petunia Winegum
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April 1, 2015 at 9:02 am -
/applause
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April 1, 2015 at 9:09 am -
Good one!!
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April 1, 2015 at 9:12 am -
“Juliette Liegen-Teef” Lieing through her teeth, typical politico
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April 1, 2015 at 9:19 am -
Looking forward to Ice Maiden Zebra…
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110709124401AA9TI2V
and a Dyke Too Far – the Repulse of Arnhem should be epic… -
April 1, 2015 at 9:21 am -
*snork*
I wonder what gender the Opwinden App assigns to the phrase ‘turkey baster’. I only ask because some of those involved might need one at some point. They may also need to substitute the Fisher-Price novelty toys for Ann Summers ones, too….
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April 1, 2015 at 9:29 am -
Petunia, (Or should I call you Pete?), nicely done! I can’t say I’m surprised, but I do say I share your sentiments. I’ve been known to rant and rave about such things as films replacing cigarettes with daisy flowers (I forget which Asian country censor does this at the moment) and the rewriting of “Tom Sawyer” to delete the boys’ experiments with Huck Finn’s pipe smoking. I participated in some of the early INet smoking debates of the ’80s and ’90s where Antismokers tried to paint us “Free Choice” folks as extremist nuts, saying, “Look, it’s not like we’re banning smoking in BARS or trying to get rid of Santa Claus’s PIPE fer gosh sakes!” Can we spell “Slippery Slope”?
I guess it was only a matter of time till the nuttier fringes in other areas followed the leader, and with the aid of computers…. well, you’ve just shown what kind of path we are heading down. :/
It will be interesting to see it applied to the cinema. Will we see Henrietta Bogart lighting Lauren Bacall’s Daisies while sipping glasses of Evian Springwater? Will they all be riding bicycles in the Mad Maxine movies? Will the Fat Lady in the movie “Freaks!” sport a properly adjusted BMI so as to provide a good example for the littluns who may be watching? Will the new movie version of “There Will Be Blood” tell the story of a solar-engineer-turned-wind-farmer on a ruthless quest for wealth during Southern California’s wind boom of the early 21st century”? (plagiaristically paraphrased from the Wiki description of the film version of the Sinclair novel “Oil!”)?
Here’s a satire I wrote about a project I’d love to perform if I could get hold of an editable version of Bogart’s Casablanca:
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***Come See The New “Healthy Humphrey” Bogart version of CASABLANCA! ***
In the news today! The new film sure to be a hit with those under 18 who’ve never been allowed to see the original, clocks in at a Twitterverse pace of just 7 and a half minutes long! Not a single wisp of smoke or mention of alcohol in even a single frame of this Renewed Masterpiece!
Director/Snipper-In-Chief Michaelious McFadden states that “Healthy Hump’s green lungs will delight children and adults alike as the film can now be enjoyed in its pure full comfort with no need to shield one’s eyes from Puffing Perversions (PP’s) strutting around the screen hacking their carcinogenic lungs onto the sound stage between their gasping lines!”
According to industry executives, next in line is a new CGI version of “Breakfast At Tiffanies” in which Audrey Hepburn shows just just how sexy it can be to munch on a celery stick while courting unknown authors!
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For those with a bit more of a leaning toward reality, I’d recommend reading Lie #2 at http://TheTruthIsALie.com where the claim that “MTV Is FILLED With Smoking” is put to the test with a stopwatch!When you’re done, come join us and keep warm at the bookburning where this week’s feature is “Tom Sawyer” — a nefariously nasty nicotine novel by a Mr. Samuel Clemens (who tried to hide his identity from the Health Police by calling himself Mike Twane or some such) in which CHILDREN ran off to an island and… and… I’m sorry, I can’t go any further… the horror, the horrrrrrorrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael (or is that now Michelle?) J. McFadden
Author of “Dissecting AntiSm*k*rs’ Brains”-
April 1, 2015 at 9:34 am -
It has been a long-standing tradition to have Porn versions of the movies.
http://www.listal.com/list/porn-versions-famous-movies
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April 1, 2015 at 9:44 am -
Can’t wait for Harriet Higgins diatribe at Eliza Dolittle’s accent in the new ‘My Fair Lady’. Can’t even go back to the original title of Pygmalion seeing as wot he was a bloke an all.
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April 1, 2015 at 9:49 am -
Let’s not forget that many heart-rending “Romance” stories began life as gay fantasies. Brief Encounter is said to have started life in Noel Cowards head as a gay encounter and just yesterday a lesbian-plot movie mentioned, turned out to have first been presented to the public as a heterosexual dilemma. If some of these militant women can learn to visualise themselves as a huMan, maybe they’ll stop behaving like such fem-bots…
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April 1, 2015 at 9:51 am -
“….if the man snoring away next to them in bed is a pot-bellied pig with traces of the evening’s pizza clinging to his lips; they fantasise that a Darcy, a Poldark or even a Heathcliff will sweep them off their feet and onto the saddle, galloping away into the sunset and off to the castle where they will be relentlessly rogered within an inch of their lives for the rest of their lives.”
Have you been intercepting Old Mrs Mudplugger’s dream-waves again ? -
April 1, 2015 at 9:54 am -
Yes, and Simon Cowell is going to be on the new £5 notes.
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April 1, 2015 at 10:27 am -
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April 1, 2015 at 10:57 am -
You aren’t supposed to point it out until the end!
Besides, like all such things, it works best by being at least partly believable-
April 1, 2015 at 11:23 am -
This one is more than a little credible; a source tells me that the internet, if you look in the right places, abounds with fan-fiction of exactly this nature.
(For those unaware of the phenomenon: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_fiction)
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April 1, 2015 at 11:27 am -
Fan fiction… Hmmm… needs a teensy bit more opwinden work…
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April 1, 2015 at 11:39 am -
My sources tells me follow-up googling may be somewhat unwise for those of a sensitive disposition (particularly over bad grammar), but this is a genuine extract from one of the websites:
Sherlock Holmes had never loved her husband James Moriarty, after he left for war she decided she needed to find a woman to love. No matter if it was illegal or not, Sherlock saw Joan Watson and immediate wanted her. The heartbroken wife of a man off to war was thrusted into a new world as Sherlock Holmes flirted and showed herself to her.
You couldn’t make it up!
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April 1, 2015 at 11:41 am -
Er, that last bit wasn’t supposed to be in italics.
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April 1, 2015 at 11:49 am -
Nor, necessarily, written at all – in mitigation, the Spouse has been reading gardening books aloud all morning and, as Hermione Poirot might say, ze little grey cells, zey are not fully in gear.
(If I hear another thing about ground elder, I’m going to scream!)
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April 1, 2015 at 11:51 am -
* The heartbroken wife of a man … was thrusted into a new world *
oooh matron!
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April 1, 2015 at 4:27 pm -
“If you can imagine it, somebody has written slashfic of it.”
– Internet Rule 34, subsection 1 (a)
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April 1, 2015 at 10:42 am -
Not unless he changes his name to Simone, he ain’t!
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April 1, 2015 at 10:59 am -
I can’t wait for the male version. Samson getting a cut and blow dry from his gay hairdresser; Lolita can be a delightful catamite; and what will we make of Louisa May Alcott’s Little Men?
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April 1, 2015 at 11:04 am -
“what will we make of Louisa May Alcott’s Little Men?”
Perhaps some subliminal advertising for the ‘toys’ section of the Ann Summers catalogue
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April 1, 2015 at 11:10 am -
I wonder if there’ll be a market for a re-envisaged “Virgin Soldiers” featuring a squad of WRACs on a shopping expedition?
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April 1, 2015 at 11:23 am -
The long and the short and the tall, bless ’em all.
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April 1, 2015 at 11:20 am -
April 1st…….
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April 1, 2015 at 11:24 am -
“opwinden” = wind up?
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April 1, 2015 at 11:29 am -
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April 1, 2015 at 12:01 pm -
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April 1, 2015 at 12:16 pm -
I was on an easyjet a while back and the woman next to me (who was alone and by the window) evidently put her her infant to the breast for most of the way (only an hour or so flight). What a fantastic relief it was for me, since when I had sat next to her… and the bonny bouncing infant… ….. I had thought to myself, “THIS is going to be the flight from hell!!”…
A few weeks later I read about a complaining woman who said she had been asked by a member of cabin crew not to feed her baby in case it upset the other passengers. One does wonder what the training manual says.
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April 1, 2015 at 12:22 pm -
Maybe the cabin crew feared there would be more demand for breast milk than their own over-priced beverages…
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April 1, 2015 at 12:27 pm -
I was wondering what happens on summertime flights to and from Ibiza…
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April 1, 2015 at 11:44 am -
Chapeau!
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April 1, 2015 at 11:49 am -
Speaking of turning current memes on their head, but with women still the victim rather then the hero, and the male the eternal jew:
https://twitter.com/helenbonnick/status/578174721176576000 -
April 1, 2015 at 12:27 pm -
Sadly, this does not appear to be an April’s Fool:
Whatever one might want to say about Powell, it’s odd that he’s headlined as a “Tory MP” when he was latterly an Ulster Unionist, and certainly so in the time period in question.
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April 1, 2015 at 12:40 pm -
Investigated in the Savile manner perhaps.
“As we have said from the outset, our work was never going to take us into a police investigation into Jimmy Savile.”
http://content.met.police.uk/News/Operation-Yewtree-Update/1400012396517/1257246745756 -
April 1, 2015 at 12:46 pm -
It’s more to do with attempted political smearing than investigating alleged crime. They’ll be claiming Ghengis Khan and Vlad the Impaler were Tories next. Or possibly Hitler and Pol Pot, but only if they can pin allegations of child abuse on them.
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April 1, 2015 at 2:57 pm -
1.5 hours too soon?
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/jill-dando-secret-files-revealed-5437428
It almost looks as if this issue is being used as an excuse to put someone on the pyre, which seems odd when they were looking so cosy on the sofa last year.-
April 1, 2015 at 3:04 pm -
“The psychologist’s reports could have helped clear George before he served eight years in jail, it is claimed. But police and lawyers, including Alison Saunders, who is now Director of Public Prosecutions, did not give them to the defence.”
One historical transgression that is likely to swept under the carpet….
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April 1, 2015 at 4:02 pm
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April 1, 2015 at 4:37 pm -
“It’s more to do with attempted political smearing”
Unlikely, since the same source(s) also named then-Labour MP Leo Abse as an abuser. As with the whole “Westminster paedophile” farrago, somebody was just dredging up random politicians’ names.
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April 1, 2015 at 7:35 pm -
The following link explains from where this latest madness seeped:
http://barthsnotes.com/2015/03/30/dead-mps-accused-of-satanic-ritual-abuse/
A few familiar names…
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April 1, 2015 at 8:34 pm -
From what I half recall from trying to read Abse’s rather strange book about the perversion of the Labour Party he was behind both the changes to make Divorce much easier and the changes to make homosexuality legal, I suspect that neither policy would have endeared him to the christian moral would-be majorities of the past, or the wannabe charismatics of the present.
He also discussed in his book about how the rights of wives to have so many rights to their ex-husband’s money was a terrible fault in the Divorce Laws that he had accepted at the time as the price of getting any change at all, but he was determined that this inequity must get sorted out in due course. That would have made him a feminist-enemy too I imagine.
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April 1, 2015 at 12:47 pm -
Are you sure the date of this article is not more significant than its content?
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April 1, 2015 at 1:47 pm -
The name of the App gives it away immediately to anyone with a basic knowledge of Dutch: as someone already pointed out, “opwinden = wind-up”.
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April 1, 2015 at 4:13 pm -
If they’d told Martin Luther King the next phase of “liberation” would be to allow men to marry other men, he’d have thought that was an April Fool joke too. And let’s not talk about intersectionality, “ongoing enthusiastic consent” etc.
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April 1, 2015 at 5:20 pm -
April 1, 2015 at 5:30 pm -
Very nice!
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April 1, 2015 at 6:41 pm -
Do you think this was used as source material by the operation Yewtree group?
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April 1, 2015 at 7:32 pm
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