Hall and (Wild) Oats
Well, we have now had four episodes of ‘Wolf Hall’ and I read that audiences have been dropping faster than Anne Boleyn’s knickers. I have been glued to my recliner of late (not been too well – gout and a sinus infection), whilst my faithful secretary, Miss Mandy Balls (37), has helpfully provided me with Whisky Macs, port and Rothmans Superkings in an attempt to keep up my flagging spirits. So, I have had plenty of time to get to grips with this. If you are just about to dip into the series, or have had a go but, like many, feel a bit bamboozled, here is an easy to follow intro.
There’s a bloke called Cromwell. Not the usual Cromwell, who banned Christmas and was miserable; he’s called Thomas, or Mark, or something. Anyway he’s super bright and very clever. We know this because he walks about looking sad and thoughtful and then saying thoughtful things. Also slow and thoughtful lute music plays while he walks about, looking sad. He wears a silly hat. In fact everyone wears silly hats. Cromwell is rising to power, although it is not clear how, or why. He writes a lot on parchment. His wife and children all caught colds and died in one day, and he looked sad again. But then he started shagging Saskia Reeves, so he looked happy for a bit, as would I if I had been shagging Saskia Reeves. Anyway, I think she’s dumped him now, but I’m not sure why. He is keeper of the jewel house. We don’t know what that is.
Everyone has big beds, by the way – and, as I have mentioned, silly hats. It is all very historically accurate, because no one is allowed to be left-handed or have a Twitter/Facebook account. There was a cardinal, called Wolsey I believe, after whom a car was named. He is a bit mad. He was “out” and then “in”, but I think he’s “out” again now (that’s not a gay thing, by the way). I think he might be dead, but I’m not sure. He’s late, but what for?
There are some hatchet faced women who want to be On Top (phnaar! – see what I did there!), and they walk about looking cunning – and wearing silly hats. This is very serious. There is a king called Henry and he is very powerful. He wears a lot of fur. There is a lot of fur going on, in fact. PETA would not approve. He wants a son, I think, and for this reason he has married the monasteries – or…something. Anyway he wants something, but I am not quite sure what.
Then people wave parchment at each other. Bernard Hill is very angry. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is his silly hat that upsets him. There is a character called Gardiner, or who possibly is a gardener, I am not sure. I think he is played by Mark Gatiss, and he seems rather bad. I am not sure what he wants. Everyone is plotting, but I am not sure why. There are bibles being passed about. Anne Boleyn is very stroppy. She’s from Maidenhead, it seems. There’s a lot of talk about that. Also, she flies Virgin. There is also someone called Bill, He seems important, but I don’t know who he is.
Jane Seymour is in it, but she’s not the actress who was in one of the Bond movies (‘Live and Let Die’, I think) so that’s a bit confusing too. Especially when there is someone called Thomas More (not Roger Moore) but I don’t understand what he is up to, frankly. Anyway, some dramatic music is playing and everything seems ominous. People say things in a dramatic way. It seems to me that in the background, former English rugby player Mike Tindall (OBE) is pulling the strings. Having taken part in “The Jump”, he is now writing letters from Rotterdam. Very interesting. Who knew of his radical Protestant views? How does this fit in with his dwarf throwing activities?
There are whispers in corridors and people shoot arrows for fun, so that’s ok. People threaten each other, whilst wearing silly hats. They take them off, when speaking to the King. Cranberry is Archbishop. More is “out”. Cromwell still looks sad. I am still not sure why. He seems to be having a w**k over Anne Boleyn. Ah well, they didn’t have internet in those days.
Clear enough then?
Randy Hack
Randy Hack is the author of 25 books, including “Drink Yourself Thin” and “The History of Gin in 100 Objects”.
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February 13, 2015 at 9:58 am -
“He seems to be having a w**k over Anne Boleyn.”
Ahhh a visit to “Mrs Hand and her 5 daughters” or in Anne Boleyn’s case- her being a Norfolk lass- “6 Daughters”.
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February 13, 2015 at 10:15 am -
Should have chopped the finger off rather than the head.
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February 13, 2015 at 12:07 pm -
After his high maintenance, posh, Spanish wife, I’m guessing Ol’Henry veeoneoneone wanted hisself a bit of simple, Norfolk, genetically-challenged tail-and like they say round these parts (I live about a mile from where Anne Boleyn was born) “once you’ve tried Mutant, you never want to go back”. Apparently AB didn’t really have 6 fingers but I’m betting that she had webbing between her fingers and toes….and more nipples than a Witch Finder has prickers.
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February 13, 2015 at 10:10 am -
More: ‘If my head would win him a castle in France, it should not fail to go.’ Has it got to the head bit, then? I confess I live in New Zealand and usually only have to contend with NZ and US shit. It may make its way to the south pacific, but as I never turn the bloody tele on, I will never know. Now I CLAVDIVS was an epic drama of a production, full of classically trained ‘lovies’. Still, the Romans knew how to mount a good orgy with a few hot gypsies thrown in. Very understated though, and left you with an imagination. Probably cost a fraction of what is being produced today. Less is always More, except when it isn’t. Arse.
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February 13, 2015 at 10:11 am -
I’m actually enjoying it, but only when Mrs Raite isn’t around. Not for naughty reasons, but because her younger sister got all the interest in Tudor machinations in the family. Great performance by Claire Foy (a.k.a Anna Friel ver 2.0) as Anne as an utter cow. Someone popped up in #4 after whom my middle school was named, so I already know that he comes to a sticky end. Spoilers….
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February 13, 2015 at 10:27 am -
Don’t have a telly, so I’ve been spared it all. Don’t miss it either – among other things, I got a bit weary of the ‘hysterical accuracy’ of a lot of telly costume drama.
This Anne Boleyn bird sounds a bit of a madam; is she played by Katie Price?
By the way, Randy, they didn’t have knickers in Tudor days. They were invented by the Victorians, I believe. Which probably explains a lot.
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February 13, 2015 at 11:53 am -
February 13, 2015 at 1:30 pm -
* This Anne Boleyn bird sounds a bit of a madam; is she played by Katie Price? *
Hall & Oats even wrote a song about her…
http://youtu.be/yRYFKcMa_Ek
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February 13, 2015 at 10:33 am -
Fantastic satire. I have never watched any of this sort of tripe and indeed no longer watch broadcast TV at all, yet I can know exactly what it’s about simply by having seen one visual of the genre several years ago.
http://www.andreazuvich.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/jonathan_rhys_meyers_in_the_tudors.jpg
I will admit though that the harbingers of this sort of thing did seem quite an inspired idea at the time.
http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/2001_A_Knight_s_Tale/2001_A_Knights_Tale_112.jpgWhat was it somebody said once about every good idea getting flogged to death?
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February 15, 2015 at 1:56 pm -
HAHAHa I will tell my friend Randy. Thank you!
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February 13, 2015 at 11:02 am -
Having flogged my way through the Mandel books on Kindle I am sort of liking it. I like the ambience of the candlelit rooms and I can turn up the ipad screen if I want to pierce the gloom. Cromwell is given little facial expression and long silences, silly hats, and wide black gowns …a doddle of a part for him. One of my eternal concerns is how any nasty powerful person gets where they can lord it over everyone and millions might die as a result? We humans fall for it every time. I suppose Henry had his favourites and Cromwell was one of them. I think he lost his head because Ann of Cleves looked like a Flanders Mare. Nearly as slight as the reasons Isis lop off heads.
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February 13, 2015 at 11:12 am -
For the sake of hysterical accuracy, socks were named after Wolsey – the car make was Wolseley.
I’ll collect my knitted anorak on the way out….-
February 15, 2015 at 1:52 pm -
hahahahaha!
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February 13, 2015 at 11:23 am -
Reading this commentary is more entertaining than actually watching the programmes! Well done.
Madame is hooked on it, but I’m struggling. At the end of episode four (possible spoiler alert) there are some flashbacks. Given that everyone is dressed in the same period costume and the plot is a little opaque at times, I was very impressed that she had spotted them. Needless to say, I hadn’t.
Btw, read somewhere that the Beeb had spent over £20,000 0n the candles alone, no doubt authentic (expensive) beeswax ones. I quite like the gloomy lighting that results, though I think Kubrick did it better with Barry Lyndon, back in 1975.
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February 13, 2015 at 1:32 pm -
Seconded – now I know more (More?) than enough about it, so no need to watch it.
Just put Wolf Hall back on the Mantelpiece!
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February 13, 2015 at 11:48 am -
I’m really enjoying it – I think it lost viewers because they tuned in expecting ‘Game of Thrones’ but without dragons.
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February 13, 2015 at 12:35 pm -
Think the TV prog is difficult ? Try the book . I could only manage the first quarter even though I do have some knowledge of the shenanigans of 16th Century English history . It won a prize . Well I never !
Tom Cromwell was a brilliant man who came from a very lowly background and never saw a greasy pole he could not climb .
The dwelling on Mark Rylance’s impassive face seems to me to be the antithesis of what Cromwell’s character really was . -
February 13, 2015 at 12:38 pm -
Might I recommend taking pills for the gout, I was crippled with it for years until a compassionate doc put me on allopurinol. Now I can drink red wine and brandy with impunity.
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February 13, 2015 at 1:32 pm -
May I also recommend said tablets.
I don’t think they cost the nhs much & there’s long term joint protection to be considered.
Gout started in my mid thirties, got really bad, but I didn’t get on them until about fifty.
Years of avoidable agony.
Never seen Wolf Hall.
re Dwarf’s six fingers, I think the socks with sandals is a similar digit thing.-
February 13, 2015 at 9:07 pm -
Sorry, forgot to mention colchicine. They really don’t like to prescribe it but I never found anything else that worked, & quickly too.
Kept a stash of it in my pre allopurinol days.
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February 13, 2015 at 1:20 pm -
What’s wrong with the hats? I think they are great. I strongly recommend a nifty titfer to all – especially to the more mature bloke. They cover up a multitude of sins and I notice that they are having a bit of a moment among da youf round here also.
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February 13, 2015 at 2:57 pm -
“What’s wrong with the hats? ”
If you don’t mind looking like you’ve just dropped out of an Episode of “When The Boat Comes In”. If I wanted to look like a *northerner* (or ‘orcs’ as they are more commonly known) then I’d move to Yorkshire and buy a whippet. Youngest Useless Object (24) insists on wearing a flat cap with his preppy clothes, like the Hovis Boy returns from yon ‘arvard….eee by gum…
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February 13, 2015 at 4:37 pm -
I’ve got a flat ‘at I use when it’s raining. Mind you I am from oop north, so I s’pose I’m allowed.
Haven’t got a whippet, though.
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February 13, 2015 at 5:30 pm -
‘like the Hovis Boy returns from yon ‘arvard….eee by gum…’ Hee hee!
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February 13, 2015 at 1:25 pm -
Have got all four episodes so far downloaded on iPlayer for a binge watch over Sunday lunch with a friend. Didn’t read the article as didn’t want spoilers!
Have only read “Wold Hall” by Hilary Mantel and yet to get to “Bring Up The Bodies”. I thought the book was bloody fantastic. She kept you continually on your toes about the perspective from which scenes were viewed.
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February 13, 2015 at 4:38 pm -
Is ‘Wold Hall’ the same story, but set in Lincolnshire?
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February 13, 2015 at 5:56 pm -
Oh God, time for varifocals. Or an edit button. But I feel varifocals would be giving in, somehow.
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February 13, 2015 at 6:29 pm -
You’ve got the same make of keyboard that I have, haven’t you? The one where the keys change places while you’re typing…
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February 13, 2015 at 7:01 pm -
Exactly! You know they do it deliberately to annoy you – and to make you look illiterate…
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February 13, 2015 at 2:07 pm -
February 13, 2015 at 2:34 pm -
Happy to admit to enjoying it, but would declare an interest in that it is a period that I am involved with in re-enactment, (Costumed am-drammers/experiential archaeologists according to taste and level of contempt….).
The hats are fine and the general production values are excellent….. although there is as always a certain level of heated debate amongst the re-enactment internet forums about clothing detail, the major problems being that for budget reasons the amount of cloth used is skimped and that modern women, not to put too fine a point on it are a different shape and conformation to their 16c forebears.
In general though a big thumbs up. These criticisms are technically valid but are from the viewpoint of people who make outfits over an extended period and can lavish full attention to all possible detail and tend to not count cost in the same way as a production company with a set time and budget to deliver. I think they have done dame well compared to other umm “interpretations”
As for the rest; it’s a dramatic interpretation of novels; well reseached novels but still, ultimately, engrossing fiction over a very strong factual framework. it is not and is not intended to be “History”. All history is interpretation based on fact; my own interpretation of Sir Thomas More is closer to Hilary Mantel’s than certain individuals who have complained that the series so far has been a blasphemous attack on a blessed saint. But then I also refuse to judge and condemn his motivations and decisions from the philosophical and moral viewpoint of the 21st Century.
As to the rest, I find the lighting particularly good; I am tending to the conclusion that people who have found it too murky and dark may have their TV’s incorrectly set up; it is a painterly effect to be sure, but a pleasing one. I find Mark Rylance’s performace to be inspirational, I differ from some commentators who find him immobile; I see a lot of expression in the eyes and subtle shifts of facial expression, which are amplified by the lighting His interpretation of Cromwell is satisfyingly fleshed out if slightly at odds with the general previous portrayals of him.
I suppose that the only shadow that hangs over it for me is a whimsical one; comparing Rylance and Damien Lewis to Kenneth Williams and Sid James in “Carry on Henry” produces a nasty dislocate in the mind; paradigm shifting without a clutch indeed !
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February 13, 2015 at 2:41 pm -
Poor Gildas , gout is no fun, go alcohol free for a few days, drink cherry juice, try some painkillers from the doc. Paracetamol and ibuphrophen don’t work on their own for the pain of a bad gout attack. Drink plenty of water as well , though not real ale flavoured!
Painkillers like dihydrocodeine will start to work, buts it’s prescription only and should never be taken with alcohol ( can be fatal)
Good luck with it.
Afraid I’m not cultured enough to watch Wolf Hall, I’ll stick with Arrow or Banshee-
February 13, 2015 at 9:10 pm -
Adrian see my note above, re colchicine, it works.
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February 13, 2015 at 2:53 pm -
I’ve got nothing to say about Wolf Hall but may I also recommend allopurinol for gout? I only wish I had found out about it earlier (not from my GP!) as it immediately put an end to my agonising attacks. These days there are diy monitors on the market with which you can keep a check on your uric acid levels.
As another sinus sufferer I recommend the SinuPulse nasal irrigator for keeping the sinuses clean but even just sniffing up a weak solution of salt and warm boiled water can be helpful.
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February 13, 2015 at 5:16 pm -
Brilliant review of TV drama. I laughed my head off.
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February 13, 2015 at 5:59 pm -
How lovely to have Randy Hack back in the bar – loved this piece.
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February 15, 2015 at 1:53 pm -
I will pass that on, Boss *wink*
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February 13, 2015 at 8:39 pm -
I cannot really comment, as I cannot watch UK TV, but I have read the book, which I appreciated very much and think I’m not mistaken, when I say on the basis of the above, that this series hasn’t done honors to it
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February 14, 2015 at 11:44 am -
It’s a wonderful series. My only complaint is that I can’t see any reason why Henry would be head-over-heels for that Anne. So; true to life too.
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February 14, 2015 at 11:23 pm -
King Henry (if he is indeed the King Henry in wolf Bollox) disgusts me. With a bit more effort he could have re-taken France for the British Crown and solved a lot of pain. No revolution, no invasion by the Prussians in 1870 and no invasion by the Germans in 1914.
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February 15, 2015 at 8:25 pm -
Thanks for this, I gave up on Wolf Hall after episode 2 but seeing a lot of people on Facebook gushing about how wonderfully wonderful it has been I wondered if I was perhaps losing my instinct for divining what might be worth a watch. S’pse I should know better than to take any notice of what I see on Facebook.
I haven’t exactly been blown away by Broadchurch either. Most disappointing TV news however is the Beeb are planning a remake of Lovejoy. Why would anyone watch a remake of such an excellent comedy drama when the can watch the original on Drama? And who else but Lovejoy could play Lovejoy.
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