The GCA recognises that Mr Tesco has used his power and celebrity to groom many vulnerable and innocent vegetables into inappropriate shelf appearances. This can result in long lasting yellowing and wrinkling leaving victims unable to offer themselves for sale elsewhere.
The GCA has today announced Operation Yam, and is encouraging ‘survivors’ of HSA (Historic Supplier Abuse) to come forward in guaranteed anonymity. Survivors are assured that they #willbeboiled.
The groceries code adjudicator (GCA) said today: “I can legally require suppliers to give me the information I want for an investigation. I have a legal duty to protect their anonymity. And in this case there is very much safety in numbers and I frequently hear about the same issues from every sector in groceries from toilet rolls, to apples, to wine. I’m just looking for a large amount of evidence and anonymity will be protected.”
Mark Baked-Bean, celebrity meat and two veg expert, said: Witnesses have told us that tender young carrots were meeting on a plate in Downing Street throughout the Thatcher years; we know that a prominent disgraced Conservative supporter, Shirley Porter, had close relations with Jimmy Tesco – witnesses have described occasions when they were seen having breakfast together and on at least one occasion I have evidence that he tucked her up in her cot. In 1980 she declared that she was going to clean up the mean streets of Westminster – it was only when I was brought into the picture in 2001 as a £500 researcher, that chewing gum was finally banished from view in Westminster. Jimmy Tesco is a disgusting vegophile and I am determined to put him out of business. Expect prominent Potatoes to be fried alive on Friday night.
The groceries code adjudicator (GCA) said witnesses had come forward speaking of similar practices at Aldi, Lidl, Sainsbury’s, and Asda where shelf stackers from cheap cultures were alleged to have offered damaged toilet rolls at half price. Solid British citizens working on the tills with names like John Smith were said to be too intimidated to report this for fear of being seen as ‘cheapist’.
Under the new guidelines it would be up to the supermarkets to prove that they had the consent of suppliers before abusing them; juries are to be warned against assuming that payments received from some suppliers in return for a prominent shelf position is any indication that they wished to be first to be abused.
The march forward to the promised land of victim-hood for everyone continues – first all females, then all shoppers. Who’s next?