GCA Trawling Guidelines regarding offences under the GCP 2013.
The GCA recognises that Mr Tesco has used his power and celebrity to groom many vulnerable and innocent vegetables into inappropriate shelf appearances. This can result in long lasting yellowing and wrinkling leaving victims unable to offer themselves for sale elsewhere.
The GCA has today announced Operation Yam, and is encouraging ‘survivors’ of HSA (Historic Supplier Abuse) to come forward in guaranteed anonymity. Survivors are assured that they #willbeboiled.
The groceries code adjudicator (GCA) said today: “I can legally require suppliers to give me the information I want for an investigation. I have a legal duty to protect their anonymity. And in this case there is very much safety in numbers and I frequently hear about the same issues from every sector in groceries from toilet rolls, to apples, to wine. I’m just looking for a large amount of evidence and anonymity will be protected.”
Mark Baked-Bean, celebrity meat and two veg expert, said: Witnesses have told us that tender young carrots were meeting on a plate in Downing Street throughout the Thatcher years; we know that a prominent disgraced Conservative supporter, Shirley Porter, had close relations with Jimmy Tesco – witnesses have described occasions when they were seen having breakfast together and on at least one occasion I have evidence that he tucked her up in her cot. In 1980 she declared that she was going to clean up the mean streets of Westminster – it was only when I was brought into the picture in 2001 as a £500 researcher, that chewing gum was finally banished from view in Westminster. Jimmy Tesco is a disgusting vegophile and I am determined to put him out of business. Expect prominent Potatoes to be fried alive on Friday night.
The groceries code adjudicator (GCA) said witnesses had come forward speaking of similar practices at Aldi, Lidl, Sainsbury’s, and Asda where shelf stackers from cheap cultures were alleged to have offered damaged toilet rolls at half price. Solid British citizens working on the tills with names like John Smith were said to be too intimidated to report this for fear of being seen as ‘cheapist’.
Under the new guidelines it would be up to the supermarkets to prove that they had the consent of suppliers before abusing them; juries are to be warned against assuming that payments received from some suppliers in return for a prominent shelf position is any indication that they wished to be first to be abused.
The march forward to the promised land of victim-hood for everyone continues – first all females, then all shoppers. Who’s next?
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 8:55 am -
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That was so appropriate, I’ve uploaded it for you! Here you go.
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 9:28 am -
woohoooo!…. Coolio!!
Fanks Missus…- GildasTheMonk
February 6, 2015 at 10:52 am -
Hahahaha
- AdrianS
February 6, 2015 at 4:10 pm -
Spot on
- AdrianS
- GildasTheMonk
- Moor Larkin
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- Alexander Baron
February 6, 2015 at 9:03 am -
This is a flawed analogy. Big companies tend to treat us little people – and it appears their suppliers – like dirt. Tesco is now paying the price. I’ve had experience with this, and doubtless you or many people reading this have.
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 9:27 am -
Tesco treat us little people like Kings and Queens because we are the customer and we reign supreme. The suppliers cluster round the feet of the buying departments of Tesco, offering them Sodom gomorrah if necessary because if they gain entry to the kingdom of the mass supermarket they can become insanely wealthy very quickly and this is their spur This is what we call Consumer-based Capitalism.
- windsock
February 6, 2015 at 9:49 am -
Tell that to dairy farmers.
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 10:20 am -
It’s all part of a whole though isn’t it? The Farming Market has been so bastardised by the Farming Subsidy system that farmers have been able to sell their milk below cost. In an uncorrupted system a dairy farmer simply could not sell milk at uneconomic prices because he would just go bankrupt. Basically subsidies for trimming hedges are allowing us to have milk at stupidly low prices. Unravelling it all would be next to impossible of course, but like any business-man the farming lobby will tell you of his pain but ensure nobody mentions his pleasures.
- WJohn
February 7, 2015 at 8:07 am -
Why do the price of farms and farm land keep increasing?
The asset price of other struggling businesses do not increase.
- WJohn
- Moor Larkin
- windsock
- Moor Larkin
- Alexander Baron
February 6, 2015 at 9:55 am -
Tesco give excellent customer service because as you say the consumer is sovereign, but my experience with British Gas – which I might write up sometime – and my experience with Virgin are anything but. I’ve written that up at the Internet Archive as “Fucked By Virgin”. If the complaints book is anything to go by, countless others have had the same experience.
- Done it all
February 6, 2015 at 10:23 am -
British Gas? wait till you have a complaint with B &Q. They ignore you. Post a review on their website (which has no reviews in the relevant section, in my case shower enclosures) that is the slightest bit critical, and they ‘moderate’ it out of existence, sending you an e mail that they’ll be in touch (they won’t). But, because they are thick, their site shows thousands of ‘no star’ ratings (and nothing else)!
- GildasTheMonk
February 6, 2015 at 3:05 pm -
I loath B&Q. Not the staff, who are very helpful in my experience, but the company.
- GildasTheMonk
- Mudplugger
February 6, 2015 at 11:01 am -
Wonderful satire – thanks for the Friday smile, every little helps.
- GildasTheMonk
February 6, 2015 at 11:08 am -
I can now come forward with my story. In the 1970’s my sister and I were seriously abused by Tesco on a number of occasions. On one occasion my sister was refused service point blank when she tried to buy a bottle of Liebfraumilch in Sainsbury’s in Bolton. I remember the occasion clearly because it was her 9th birthday. Or was it 15th? Or it may have been Tesco, or Sainsbury’s in another place altogether, but it definitely happened. In my own case I was once unable to reach the Wagon Wheels because they were on the third shelf up in a Tesco in Guildford. We were often told by Tesco employees about the sinister BOGOF.
I was also molested by a so called “lady boy” in a Tesco in Bangkok. I remember that very clearly, because the circumstances were so grim. There was all sorts of neon lighting and the place didnt seem to sell any groceries at all!All of these events have traumatized me. I am a victim of a sinister ring, and I believe that Leon Brittan – WHO’S WIFE ONCE SHOPPED IN TESCO!!! – WAS BEHIND ALL OF IT.
And the BBC. And the NHS. Both of whom have employees who shop at Tesco AND MUST HAVE KNOWN WHAT WAS GOING ON!!!I deserve closure. I deserve the truth now. Me and my sister and my imaginary rabbit called Harvey will not rest until there has been another pointless public inquiry chaired by a disabled Tasmanian lesbian which will last 14 years and cost £13 billion. In the meantime, we will all be popping down to the well known law firm, Slater & Moron, to see that our claims are vindicated. Strictly on a no win, no fee basis. Of course.
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 11:38 am -
Tesco being a known Jewish kabal would make make it a slam-dunk and send it viral.
I asked if there was anything she regretted. ‘I regret having gone into politics and having put my whole life and soul into it. I didn’t spend as much time with Daniel [her dead grandson] and Joanna [her granddaughter] as I could have done.’ She looked uncomfortable for the only time in our conversation and rapped her fingers on the table. ‘Nor did I spend enough time with my parents. And what for? To have my name dragged through the mud. It upsets me that people, out of revenge, tear me apart.’ Then she said: ‘I never want to be at the mercy of anybody else ever again.’
She handed me the letter. ‘You can quote from that,’ she said. She had a meeting to go to. I walked her to her taxi in the car park. She pulled the floppy straw hat from her bag and put it on against the sun.
The letter ran to 11 pages. Her designated-sales policy was entirely lawful, she wrote. She had taken legal advice and acted upon it. Yet she was being found guilty because, the judges said, she had an unlawful motive. ‘While I never bullied or bribed anyone to do my bidding, I used my strong personality to push through a policy that appeared lawful on the outside, indeed which was lawful on the outside, but which has since become unlawful because of my private thoughts and passions.’
She had understood perfectly what was going on: ‘Westminster was one of the Left’s prime targets. Sure they wrecked meetings, spat at me and others, smoked dope in the council chamber, thumped staff and tried to make the council ungovernable. But we hung on.’
The problem, as she saw it, was that the case was being dealt with through the courts. ‘Law and politics don’t mix,’ she wrote. ‘Political skills don’t count for much in a courtroom. If there had been a vote between myself and the auditor I would trust democracy any day.’ And then, not for the first time, she invoked the memory of Jack Cohen, the Tesco mogul. ‘My late father was a great fighter. I am the same. Whatever it takes and however long it takes I will clear my name. I will prove my innocence. I have never been a quitter. I am not going to start becoming one now.’
http://www.theguardian.com/travel/1999/feb/28/foodanddrink.jayrayneronrestaurants.restaurants - Lisboeta
February 6, 2015 at 7:33 pm -
Gildas, you have given me hope. As a legacy shareholder in Tesco, I had been wondering how I could mitigate the falling share price. I’ve been conned! I’m not sure why or how but, given time, I’m sure that I will remember. And Slater & Moron will no doubt dredge up those memories….
- Moor Larkin
- Alex
February 6, 2015 at 11:54 am -
Market forces innit? We seem to live in times where people spend ever increasing – some may say obscene – amounts of money on the latest fitted kitchens complete with every mod con, and at the same time expect to pay as little as possible for the food actually prepared in said kitchens – can’t really blame the super markets for that can we? I do think the food producers and suppliers get a raw deal and I have believed for ages that we in th UK very much undervalue and take for granted our farming community.
- JD.
February 6, 2015 at 11:57 am -
I wonder if the Elm House farce, & the kincora farce will drag on as long as the Chilcot farce, or longer?
The sheeple will surely be more absorbed by Eastenders?
- JD.
February 6, 2015 at 12:04 pm - Bandini
February 6, 2015 at 12:56 pm -
JD, to quote from the article you linked to:
“In a sensational piece for the latest edition of Tribune, a major blow is dealt to those who dismiss perversion whistle-blower Geoff Dickens as a fantasist. ”
Well I had read the Tribune article beforehand & can’t possibly agree with this statement. Oh, but hang on, Dickens has gone from being a ‘paedophile whistle-blower’ to a ‘PERVERSION whistle-blower’. And the perversion is, of course, homosexuality.
You mention both Elm House & the Needleblog, so presumably you are aware of the, ahem, shifting of positions going on ‘over there’? If not, start here:
https://ianpace.wordpress.com/2015/01/23/leon-brittan-a-guest-post-by-tim-tate-on-the-investigations-into-and-evidence-relating-to-him/If you follow the link in my comment you’ll arrive to the great climb-down by The Golam. Who knows, maybe they’ll be ‘changing their minds’ about MWT’s Savile ‘Exposure’ next?
- JD.
- JD.
February 6, 2015 at 12:12 pm -
There’s a lot of it about:
theneedleblog.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/the-duplessis-orphans/What happens when kids are worth $0.70/day & mentally defective kids are worth 3X that?
That’s right.
Depravity subsidised by the state.
The most Holy Roman Catholic Church in Quebec.A typical Bastion of Empire.
- JD.
February 6, 2015 at 12:13 pm -
perhaps this one needs the www. ?
- JD.
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 12:15 pm -
Been a bad 12 months for Tesco it seems…
Tesco Teaspoon Ban Is Long Overdue
http://barristerblogger.com/2014/03/15/691/ - binao
February 6, 2015 at 1:05 pm -
Not much point being the big kid in the playground if you can’t throw your weight about (& then call it partnership).
It happens at all levels.
I’ve seen it in haulage when doing a bit of in-retirement credit control, being told ‘..no we only pay after 3 months, not interested in your terms. We won’t give you any more work….’.
Similarly in manufacturing a few years back; the accountant’s proposal for cash flow improvement was to stop paying suppliers where there would be no risk to our business.
As I said, ‘partnership’. - plantman
February 6, 2015 at 1:23 pm -
I worked in buying for a (then) big retail player a long time ago
I coined a pithy phrase to define the qualities we looked for in a supply chain partner – but they were just called suppliers in those days.
“Big enough to cope – small enough to bully”
plus ca change
- The Blocked Dwarf
February 6, 2015 at 1:29 pm -
Oh people of little understanding. Allow me to explain the TRUTH ABOUT TESCO. The story Tesco would like you to believe is that the word “TESCO” is a made up of the first two letters of the name and surname of T. E. Stockwell -a supplier of Jack Cohen, the founder of Tesco. Obviously that is a LIE otherwise we would know TESCO by the name TESTO and no one has ever explained why Mr Cohen felt he needed to honour his tea-supplier by naming his emporium after him. Either Mr Cohen was the least egotistical man ever or there was something else afoot.
Of course the name ‘Cohen’ tells us straight away that Jack was a descendant of the Jewish Priesthood, for “Kohen” means ‘priest’ in Chaldean and if we assume that the ‘CO’ of TESCO is infact the first two letters of ‘Cohen’ then that seems far more plausible then the 2 middle letters of ‘Stockwell’. So what about the ‘TES’? OBVIOUSLY ‘TES’ refers to ‘BES’ a Egyptian deity, the PROTECTOR OF HOUSEHOLDS and WOMEN and by extension Shopping. So we see very clearly that what TESCO really means is “Priests of Bes”.
Therefore Brothers and Sisters, let no Christian shop at the heathen Temple that is TESCO, rather prayerfully grow your own food. The LORD will bless you for it.
- plantman
February 6, 2015 at 3:35 pm -
The truth of course, boring as it may be, is that it was named after TESs COhen, Jack’s wife. Had your flight of fancy been a bit more elegant (I find the “TES” for “BES” very contrived) I would not have reverted to pedantic mode.
- Moor Larkin
February 6, 2015 at 3:42 pm -
ASsociated DAiries is rather moot given the price of milk…
- The Blocked Dwarf
February 6, 2015 at 3:53 pm -
(I find the “TES” for “BES” very contrived)
It was rather supposed to be. Granddaddy Dwarf was a ‘missionary’ and penned many mighty hellfire and bimsstein tracts and flyers full of such ‘evidence’. All very much like that Orange Man sketch (B.Connelly?) “reverse the word ‘pope’ and what do you get? Epop! A 4 letter word starting with ‘E’..ie EVIL”
I’m the last person to be offended by galloping pedantry….the little English grammar I know I have learnt from Internet Pedants.
- Moor Larkin
- plantman
- Carol42
February 6, 2015 at 4:04 pm -
Very funny Anna, your talent never ceases to amaze me.
- Cascadian
February 6, 2015 at 5:22 pm -
A terrible injustice has been heaped on the great British shopper, it cries out for a solution. What is needed is a National Food Service, government controlled. Amongst other things the scourge of overweight shoppers would soon be resolved when supermarket shelves start to look like those in Venezuela. Farming collectives staffed by rosy-cheeked peasants would deliver foodstuffs using National Road Service lorries, the Co-Op would be revived complete with coke-snorting chairmen, the possibilities are endless.
Somebody tell Ed Milliband. - Lisboeta
February 6, 2015 at 7:43 pm -
Anna, it’s very reassuring to see you still contributing so pithily. Best wishes.
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