IT’S HERE AT LAST! YOUR NEW-LOOK, NEW-IMPROVED RACCOON ARMS!
THE TIMES they are a changing! A long-overdue facelift is needed for this dustyÂ old blog and now that an exciting new editor has edged out whatshername (not before time!) and pensioned her off, a brand new chapter has begun for Britain’s biggest blog!
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN YOUR 100% NEW-LOOK RACCOON ARMS…
Out go all the tired old posts on topics straight from DullsvilleÂ and all that painstakingly researchedÂ investigative twaddle. We know what the public want and we’re now going to give it to them! Who wants to waste half-an-hour of their lives slogging through another exhausting piece on politics or paedophiles when we can talk about Sheryl Cole (or whatever it is she’s called this week)? We can talk about Taylor Swift! Kim Kardashian! Susanna Reid! Fearne Cotton! And Ebola!
A new broom is sweeping through the blogosphere and, as the market leader, we feel the rightful place for the Raccoon Arms is to be at the head of the cyber-pack, somewhere we can dictate trends, not follow them!
Our target readership shouldn’t be cynical, sad old gits moaning about everything, but the optimistic and positive youth of today, such as saucy, sizzling, sexy Sylvia on the left. Sylvia (23) is an arms-dealer from East Dulwich. She says her ambition is to have the world’s first talking breasts! Her boyfriend Dean (38) is a part-time car-park and is saving up to buy a Wendy House for him and Sylvia to set up home in. Sylvia hates pickled onions and child molesters, but loves shoes and sitting down! GoodÂ for you, Sylvia. You can come and sit on us anytime you like!
But there’ll be more to your new-improved Raccoon Arms than just the likes of saucy, sizzling, sexy Sylvia (23). We’ll also be launching some campaigns of our own, such as the one to name and shame asylum-seeking, obeseÂ immigrant ASBOÂ trolls claiming disability benefits, and our demands that the death penalty be reintroduced for Britain-bashing. We’re the greatest country in the world and anyone who says otherwise is a racist paedo who doesn’t deserve the freedoms our grandfathers fought for on the beaches!
AND IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THAT, MORE FOOL YOU!
It’ll be business as usual – honest.