The Wind of Change
IT’S HERE AT LAST! YOUR NEW-LOOK, NEW-IMPROVED RACCOON ARMS!
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UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
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THE TIMES they are a changing! A long-overdue facelift is needed for this dusty old blog and now that an exciting new editor has edged out whatshername (not before time!) and pensioned her off, a brand new chapter has begun for Britain’s biggest blog!
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN YOUR 100% NEW-LOOK RACCOON ARMS…
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Out go all the tired old posts on topics straight from Dullsville and all that painstakingly researched investigative twaddle. We know what the public want and we’re now going to give it to them! Who wants to waste half-an-hour of their lives slogging through another exhausting piece on politics or paedophiles when we can talk about Sheryl Cole (or whatever it is she’s called this week)? We can talk about Taylor Swift! Kim Kardashian! Susanna Reid! Fearne Cotton! And Ebola!
A new broom is sweeping through the blogosphere and, as the market leader, we feel the rightful place for the Raccoon Arms is to be at the head of the cyber-pack, somewhere we can dictate trends, not follow them!
Our target readership shouldn’t be cynical, sad old gits moaning about everything, but the optimistic and positive youth of today, such as saucy, sizzling, sexy Sylvia on the left. Sylvia (23) is an arms-dealer from East Dulwich. She says her ambition is to have the world’s first talking breasts! Her boyfriend Dean (38) is a part-time car-park and is saving up to buy a Wendy House for him and Sylvia to set up home in. Sylvia hates pickled onions and child molesters, but loves shoes and sitting down! Good for you, Sylvia. You can come and sit on us anytime you like!
But there’ll be more to your new-improved Raccoon Arms than just the likes of saucy, sizzling, sexy Sylvia (23). We’ll also be launching some campaigns of our own, such as the one to name and shame asylum-seeking, obese immigrant ASBO trolls claiming disability benefits, and our demands that the death penalty be reintroduced for Britain-bashing. We’re the greatest country in the world and anyone who says otherwise is a racist paedo who doesn’t deserve the freedoms our grandfathers fought for on the beaches!
AND IF YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THAT, MORE FOOL YOU!
It’ll be business as usual – honest.
Petunia Winegum
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December 5, 2014 at 9:32 am -
Thank God for that!
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December 5, 2014 at 9:45 am -
“It’ll be business as usual – honest.”
How disappointing. The old boss never raised our hopes like that only to dash them.
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December 5, 2014 at 10:17 am -
Ms. Winegum’s move to Wapping has remained a contentious issue, even though the Raccoon International titles, after some early problems, have regularly appeared. Every day, pickets demonstrate outside the Raccoon International plant, which is surrounded by guards and barbed wire. Occasionally, drivers and journalists have been attacked by angry picketers. Union leaders interpreted the offer as an indication that Ms. Winegum had misjudged the breadth of industrial and political opposition to the new policy and how long the protest would continue. Now, they say, she is belatedly trying to make a conciliatory gesture.
http://www.lambiek.net/artists/image/g/garland_nicholas/garland_the_wonderful_w.jpg -
December 5, 2014 at 10:27 am -
Sylvia…the seven-year-old, computer savvy, pensioner molester from Wapping?
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December 5, 2014 at 10:36 am -
Can I have a bottle of ale from the bottom shelf please Sylvia? No, not that one, not that one either, nope, to the left a bit – a bit more, back a bit, ah – that’s the spot – oh, err..yes, that’s the one! Salty nuts?
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December 5, 2014 at 11:08 am -
As a cynical sad old git who likes a good moan, I couldn’t help noticing that Sylvia (23) has a boyfriend Dean (38) who’s a part-time car park. So she could sit on him – no Wendy house necessary.
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December 5, 2014 at 11:21 am -
Where’s the coffee-time crossword, Petunia ? After all that hot news about Sylvia (23), we need some intellectual stimulation too, you know. Here’s a starter clue to set it off….
1 Across – Car club meets unspoken ethnic with members for fearless blogging (7,4)
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December 5, 2014 at 12:32 pm -
Here’s another clue: Sam Corcoran gets smashed in local blogplace (7,4)
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December 5, 2014 at 1:56 pm -
Chase cormorant around masthead (3,7,4)
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December 5, 2014 at 9:22 pm -
The Raccon Arms?
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December 5, 2014 at 9:23 pm -
Hmm: I have a spare ‘o’ …
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December 5, 2014 at 11:21 am -
The Raccoon Arms is now a sizzling ‘Gastro-Pub’ – microwave meals for all!
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December 5, 2014 at 12:34 pm -
Er, distinct absence of pole dancers, contestants who can’t sing, tits, love-rats and Sudoku. I suspect this rebranding may be a joke.
More gossip about the sweet sins of sexy, sizzling Silveeya required, inc phone no if possible.But you are right, m’dear: this is the way forward. Write anything serious, and this is what happens:
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December 5, 2014 at 1:22 pm -
Scary. And Dean has advised me not to pass on Sylvia’s phone number.
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December 5, 2014 at 2:54 pm -
I tried her mother but she said, ‘Sylvia’s busy. Too busy to come to the phone’.
I said please, but Sylvia’s mother said, ‘Sylvia’s tryin’ to start a new life of her own’
I tried once moor but Sylvia’s mother said, ‘Sylvia’s happy. So why don’t you leave her alone?’
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December 5, 2014 at 3:44 pm -
What happened then ? Couldn’t you afford 40 cents for the next three minutes ?
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December 5, 2014 at 7:05 pm -
ahhh but when you’re in love with a beautiful woman…you may watch your friends but not your small change and anyways someone will hang up when you answer the phone *shakes imaginary maraca*
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December 5, 2014 at 10:02 pm -
We can probably guess Sylvia’s phone number. I’m going for 38 24 36.
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December 6, 2014 at 1:23 am -
32 16 8 ….and I doubt anyone will know which lady of the night’s telephone number was
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December 5, 2014 at 1:32 pm -
I cannot see the machine gun properly. There is some damn dame on the barrel.
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December 5, 2014 at 1:47 pm -
Ah for the good old days, when we could look at photos like that on Page Three without facing long prison sentences. Welcome to the new post, as the actress said to the bishop.
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December 5, 2014 at 2:30 pm -
“…cynical, sad old gits moaning about everything….”
‘Ere – less of the ‘old’ if you don’t mind!”
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December 5, 2014 at 3:20 pm -
We all take umbrage at different things:- I’d say “less of the ‘sad’ if you don’t mind. I cheerfully put my hand up to the other attributes though.
And with retirement** looming, I should have more time to be more regular here.**Retirement – or, if you’re married, “Under New Management” – just like the snug here.
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December 5, 2014 at 9:59 pm -
Retirement consists of wondering how on earth you ever found time to go to work…
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December 5, 2014 at 3:29 pm -
Best of luck, Petunia.
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December 5, 2014 at 5:04 pm -
Top man! Or woman! – I get confused!
Meanwhile one of the funniest Tweets I read this week was along the lines of – Taylor Swift! Write a song about yourself, you may be part of “the problem”! -
December 5, 2014 at 5:08 pm -
I think we need the word “ROMP”
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December 5, 2014 at 9:57 pm -
There was a media glamourpuss by the name of Gloria De Piero who stood as an paliamentary candidate in the last general election, and won a seat. Her email address became ‘Gloriadepieromp’ which (since I have a rather puerile sense of humour sometimes) has always made me chuckle. Well, she is a biggish lass…
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December 5, 2014 at 5:19 pm -
Pet, we all know you had the ‘heart’ to replace St. Anna Procyon but this first post also proves you have the humour…and yes, for a split second, I did wonder if I had woken up at the bottom of the Daily Xenophobe’s WHITE rabbit hole… (note, no DailyHitler headline is complete without the use of SCREAMING CAPSLOCK and “F U R Y”.).
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December 5, 2014 at 6:03 pm -
December 5, 2014 at 6:23 pm -
No more Dullsville? But that’s where I live!
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December 5, 2014 at 7:17 pm -
Norma Stitz made the occasional visit to Raccoon Arms, I dare say Sylvia with her big guns and titian hair would be made welcome amongst us older fellows, we are if nothing else gentlemen and ladies who welcome diverse errrrrrr viewpoints. (thats the word I was searching for)
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December 6, 2014 at 12:27 am -
Is it me or are her ‘viewpoints’ a tad left-leaning?
Not that I’m complaining you understand but I can’t be caught reading a lefty blog at my time of life.
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December 6, 2014 at 3:43 am -
After studying the viewpoints for ten minutes, I detect no leftward lean or even port-side yaw. I recommend you continue reading Petunias blog efforts..
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December 5, 2014 at 8:31 pm -
Are you the lonely little Petunia in the onion patch?
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December 5, 2014 at 9:07 pm -
BREAKING NEWS… Someone who knew Jimmy Saville was found guilty of sexual crimes. Guilt by association in every headline.
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December 5, 2014 at 11:02 pm -
Has this got anything to do with the Samantha on “I’m sorry, I havn’t a clue.” contoversy?
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December 6, 2014 at 9:35 am -
And what’s happened to Sven recently, aka Mrs Mudplugger’s Scandanavian Dreamboat ?
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December 6, 2014 at 12:10 am -
“We’re the greatest county in the world” – er, Surrey?, Cornwall? I’ll get my coat………
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December 7, 2014 at 2:28 am -
I shall tuck a winegum in my cheek and await events. So far, so good.
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December 9, 2014 at 2:41 pm -
At first glance, I thought I’d landed on some article in The Economist on the Arms Trade. Gave me quite a turn, until I caught up properly
Best wishes for your new tenure
BTW, her bazookas look deadlier than those machine guns. Probably sell for more too.
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