Who, apart from ambitious young journalists in drag looking to snare a cheap story, actually goes to a Party Conference of any persuasion?

The Telegraph helpfully calculated, a few months ago, that it cost upwards of £700 to spend a few hours enticing a political dishonourable Member into sharing a ‘selfie’ with you. Who sticks their hands in the pockets and jiggles their spare change for this effect?

What is the point of it all?

Miliband stands up and adenoids his way through a speech that appears to describe his forays onto Hampstead Heath, in search not of Badgers, but of ‘ordinary working men and women’ to quote – apparently oblivious of the fact that he is unlikely to find many women out on the heath at night, and whilst half of the men might be termed ‘rough trade’ they are scarcely representative of the ‘tradesmen’ who might be considered his natural cache of voters. Those ‘tradesmen’ certainly won’t be forking out £700. Not unless their Union is paying for them. Who is listening to him? Surely only the people who already know what he has to say.

Cameron’s team are so sure they know what Farage is going to say that they are issuing ‘official statements’, North Korean style, for their MPs to rebut the expected Farage ‘written on the back of an envelope five minutes before he delivers it’ speech. Who is writing that style guide, and why? Ex-Journalists for the benefit of other journalists?

Conservative Ministers are told to predict that their conference will ‘demonstrate our energy, positivity and determination to secure a better future for our country’ – now there’s a handy response to queries as to why when Guido’s intern targeted 100 of them with a hook baited with selfies of a delectable young lady – only one rose to the occasion. A pic of Chris Bryant in his boxer shorts might have got a bigger response. In the name of ‘Pubic interest’ naturally.

Only UKIPs conference contained the sort of people (apart from Mark Reckless) that might conceivably be ordinary working people – the sort of people most impacted by the current austerity imposed on us, and thus swayed from a different vote, rather than the sort of people who live in Hampstead Heath and can afford to play around with politics knowing full well that nothing will really impact on their lifestyle.

Besides which – nothing, nothing at all, that they say in the manifestos grandly ‘agreed upon’ at Conference is binding on any of them.

Every word that comes out of Cameron’s mouth today will have been carefully scripted by an army of young men and women fresh out of University who have been studying Twitter and Facebook for weeks to decide which statements will make the best headlines – even the Miss Havershamish ‘Bow Group’ is now boycotting the Tory Party Conference saying:

“We feel that a genuine forum for conservatism and Conservative Party members remains absent from the event in favour of a corporate venue for press and lobbyists.”

And journalists desperate for a story.

So far, Mark Reckless has deserted to join UKIP and been accused by Boris Johnson of being the sort of man who has sex with a vacuum cleaner.

Boris Johnson has declared he is in love with a brick.

His Deputy Mayor, Richard Barnes has defected to UKIP declaring ‘it wasn’t his brick pri*k anyway‘.

Ken Clarke think UKIP voters have ‘disappointing‘ sex lives.

Brooks Newmark has resigned his portfolio for letting the Tory side down by being susceptible to female flattery.

And no doubt Cameron will ‘honour our brave men and women in the military’, who after five attempts have managed to land a £100,000 Brimstone missile on a stolen pick up truck in the middle of the Iraqi desert, by way of explanation as to why austerity means we all need to tighten our belts ‘together’.

Only £700 for a back row seat – don’t all rush at once.