The Salmond and the Darling
Were watching through the night;
They cheered like anything to see
Such quantities of votes:
“So long as this were going our way”
They said, “it would be grand!”
 
“O Voters, come and vote for Yes!”
The Salmond did beseech.
“An increased dole, no need to work,
Life will be a ‘peach’:
We need not have no more than Oil,
To give a hand to each.”
 
The eldest Voter looked at him,
But na’er a word he said:
The eldest voter winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head—
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the feather-bed. (Or to get a brick through his window…)
 
But four young Weegies hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their hopes were high, their Irn Bru drained,
Their language coarse and plain—
And this weren’t odd, because, you know,
They hadn’t any brain.
 
Four other Voters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more—
All ranting o’er the cyber waves,
And scrambling for the door.
 
The Salmond and the Darling
Walked on a hour or so,
And then they rested on their morals
Conveniently low:
And all the little Voters stood
And waited in a row.
 
“The time has come,” the Darling said,
“To talk of many things:
Of jobs – and banks – and English rights
and many other things—
And why there’s now’t left in the pot –
And whether pigs have wings.”
 
“But wait a bit,” the Voters cried,
“Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!”
“No hurry!” said the Darling.
They thanked him much for that.
 
“A load more dosh,” the Salmond said,
“Is what we chiefly need:
Pounds and shillings besides
Are very good indeed—
Now if you’re ready, Voters dear,
We can begin to feed.”
 
“But not from us!” the English cried,
Turning a little blue.
“After such supportiveness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!”
“The night is fine,” the Salmond said.
“Do you admire the view?”
 
“It was so kind of you to come!
And you are so very nice!”
The Darling said nothing but
“Will ye na’e take my advice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf—
I’ve had to ask you twice!”
 
“It seems a shame,” the Salmond said,
“To play them such a trick,
After we’ve brought them out so far,
And made them vote so quick!”
The Darling said nothing but
“The electorate’s far too thick!”
 
“I weep for you,” the Salmond said:
“I didn’t see it coming.”
Now ‘West Lothian’s’ reared its awkward head,
And in return for ‘Devolution’,
That Cameron’s said,
He’ll revamp the English constitution.
 
“O Voters,” said the Darling,
“You’ve had your night of fun!
Shall we be voting Labour again?”
But answer came there none—
And this was scarcely odd, because by then
They’d pissed off every one.