You could earn yourself a cool £4,000 a week advising the colossus of the parliamentary scene. Every week.

You might imagine that you need specialist qualifications to take up this magnanimous offer; psychiatric training perhaps, though the present incumbent makes do with a degree in Old Norse, mediaeval Welsh and Anglo-Saxon.

You will sit at the ‘right hand’ of John Bercow at each parliamentary sitting – admittedly wearing an odd assortment of barrister’s wig and polytechnic lecturer’s polyester gown, though if the Queen drops in you will be required to wear a lace jabot and breeches. And look dignified. At the same time.

It would be your job to advise Bercow on which of his fellow Conservative politician’s to abuse next, and the correct format in which to do it. Only a man with a degree in mediaeval Welsh could have correctly pointed out the manner in which you should address the Chief Whip whilst shouting from a sedentary position yourself:

‘Order! The Government Chief Whip has absolutely no business whatsoever shouting from a sedentary position. He . . . [interruption]. Order! The Right Hon. Gentleman will remain in the Chamber. He has absolutely no business scurrying out of the Chamber. [Interruption.] Order. The Chief Whip has absolutely no business . . .’

As the legal owner of that iconic emblem of all things British and dignified, Big Ben, it would be your job to decide whether Sally Bercow should be photographed from the left or the right to show Big Ben off to best advantage, bed sheet or no bed sheet, more or less tit?

You will have a budget of £200,000,000 a year to ensure that services – the all important wine cellar, and subsidised beans on toast – are fit for the honourable members in the 21st century. If you can’t stretch £200 million round beans on toast and a decent bottle of claret for 650 occasional visitors, then your degree in Old Norse wasn’t worth paying for, was it? And you have to manage a staff of 1,750 to ensure that all noses are wiped frequently.

The job benefits from the House of Commons ‘Diversity and Inclusion’ scheme ‘which was developed from the previous single equality scheme (the ‘House Equality Scheme’), in line with the Equality Act 2010, and in consultation with stakeholders’ – so the fact that you are a complete tosser shouldn’t hold you back from applying.

The present incumbent is retiring in August to spend more time with his organ. In Hereford Cathedral apparently.

Now who do I know that has time on his hands, could put £4,000 a week to good use, doesn’t mind dressing up, and could be relied upon to give Bercow succinct advice?

Somebody be kind enough to retweet this link to Old Holborn’s 96th reincarnation.

The application form is HERE. Anybody else feel like applying?

Tagged as: https://twitter.com/TurboHolborn, John Bercow, Old Holborn