Little Catherine rode a tidal wave of ‘right-on’. From the ‘Wigan Mining and Technical College’ through a degree in Social Work, naturally, she diligently applied herself to every cause close to the heart of her left wing masters. Lesbian and Gay rights; One Parent families; soon her anorak was covered in proficiency badges and the Scout Master General, Gordon Brown, awarded her the coveted position of Akela-in-Chief to the marxist cubs stationed in the European Commission.

Gordon Brown actually had in mind hobbling Tony Blair’s global ambitions by steering him into the role of ‘High Representative of the Union for Foreign Affairs and Security’ and keeping him mired in unscrambling the mess he had helped to create in Serbia and Kosovo – but 27 other countries who had a say in the matter said ‘not on your Nellie, Gordon’. They settled for little Catherine.

She managed to become the EUs effective ‘Foreign Minister’ without any knowledge or experience of foreign affairs, an unelected representative of Britain, not speaking a word of French (still the main language of the European Commission) – but she did tick the mysterious leftist algorithms of being a woman, and having a strong interest in ‘Fair trade’ coffee.

She must have been so proud as she sat on the high chair and powerful men from around the world arrived to ‘pay homage’ to her. Of course, now we know that women have no mind of their own, and are traumatically swayed by any suggestion from a man with any authority, we wouldn’t let a vulnerable creature like a woman be put in such a position; back then we still thought women’s liberation meant that women thought for themselves. Poor Catherine; soon she was being groomed by the burly figure of the man from the US.

How could she refuse his evil suggestions? ‘I want you to do something for me Catherine, it will be our little secret’ he said, as his cigar soaked breath wafted over her. She was too ashamed to speak out of his request; she knew what was expected of her. Already suffering from low self esteem, she feared being sent back to a Britain that laughed in her face. So it was that she agreed to lure Ukraine into the feather bed it believed the EU to be…

That went well, didn’t it Catherine?

For many years, the United States’ enormous internal market has more than satisfied the needs of U.S. industry. That is no longer true – by the late 90s exports accounted for a third of domestic growth. Exports to whom? Europe was an enticing partner, more palatable to the US than China or Russia. If all the Eastern European countries could be persuaded to join the European Union, then it would be a malleable market of 900 million souls.

It didn’t go according to plan.

Today a near civil war is raging in Ukraine, the media is obsessed with looking up the correct spelling of complicated words like ‘Russian thugs’ and ‘Putin’s expansionist plans’ and they don’t seem to have noticed that Putin, quietly chuckling to himself, has slipped off to China today.

Putin and President Xi are expected to sign a deal sending 70 billion cubic metres of gas to China every year for the next 30 years. They are also going to take part in a regional security forum and oversee the start of joint naval exercises off Shanghai in the East China Sea. The Russian state oil firm Rosneft will be there talking to Chinese oil refiner Sinopec that could see Russia send up to 100 million tonnes of oil to China over 10 years, along with another 30 major Russian business men and security experts, all expecting to tie up major contracts with China – the world’s most powerful emerging market.

The 1982 ‘Law of Sea’ Treaty permitted nations to claim a 200 mile exclusive economic zone around their shoreline – the British media at the time were concerned that our fish and chips might not be Cod and chips for much longer if the Spanish and Icelanders were not kept out of our shoreline; Putin had his eye on a bigger prize.

As British North Sea Oil was dwindling, the Institute of Energy for South East Europe was suggesting that the Black Sea was the next major oil source. At that time, Russia had access to around 26,000 square miles of Black sea bed – buried in the Treaty of Annexation which Russia has signed with Crimea is an agreement to ‘abide by International law’ in the matter of ocean boundaries. One little sentence which at a stroke more than doubled Russia’s 26,ooo square miles of sea bed and oil reserves to 64,000 square miles – Crimea is virtually an island.

Catherine of Arrogant has responded with a series of economic measures designed to frighten Putin; she targeted 15 Russian officials ‘connected with’ the separatist movement in Ukraine – their wives can no longer shop freely in London. Since 30% of Europe’s gas comes from Gazprom, she at least had the sense not to stop its CEO, Alexei Miller’s wife, from stocking up at Harrods.

Now the Americans have a new long term plan to hobble Russia. They are going to stop companies exporting equipment and services to ‘any state controlled’ Russian energy company. They admit that it won’t make a dent in Russia’s current lucrative energy exports – they do hope that by not letting them buy the valves, drilling and hydraulic fracturing equipment that eventually the Russian bear will growl to a halt.

The Chinese are famous for what? Oh, copying western items and making them more cheaply you say? Well I never! You don’t think they will have the wit to trade the manufacture of hydraulic fracturing equipment for a cheap energy supply do you? I understand that price is the only stumbling block on that mega energy deal the Russians have their eye on.

I suppose Catherine will be able to say that she helped create the world’s largest trading bloc after all….

We can’t even vote her out of office this Thursday – we don’t have the power – despite Chris Huhne emerging from his bunker to declare that ‘the European Parliament plays a vital role’; and then going on to deliver the finest back handed insult the good people of Eastleigh have ever endured – he says that it is vital that we don’t ‘waste a vote on UKIP stooges’ but that voters elect someone ‘with their values’. Is he really suggesting that the people of Eastleigh shared any, never mind all, of his despicable values, when they voted him into parliament?

What do we have to do to relieve Catherine of Arrogant of her current duties representing the good people of Europe in their foreign policy? Even Mandelson would have been hard pushed to make a bigger mess of it.

Tagged as: Catherine Ashton, China, John Kerry, President Xi, Russia, Ukraine