I have to talk about Shopping Trolleys. Naturally, I do not expect you to do so, unless you are a follower of Tesco, the One True God, and his Revealed Word, the Holy Clubcard. For you to do so would be blasphemy. It would offend me greatly and I would be forced to take action against you.
I know that Tesco is the One True God, not just because he clothes me and feeds me, but because my father taught me this from the cradle, and because his father taught him, and his before him, and it is the Accepted Word. I learned when I was a little child, when I was taught to learn the terms and condition of my Holy Clubcard by rote, and my father would give me a clip round the ear if I did not study and affirm this every day.
The Holy Clubcard seems simple, but in its terms and conditions I find all answers I need and a strict code of how to live. My local Customer Services Manager explained it all to me when I was a little child, and all through my teens, and I know it is the Revealed Word of Tesco. My local Customer Services Manager would rightly beat me with a stick when I did not learn it well enough. There are other Customer Services Managers who claim it means something different, and they are all wrong.
It is the Truth that Tesco Shopping Trolleys are sacred, and no one but a follower of Tesco and his Revealed Word in the Holy Clubcard may speak of them, or offend them. I know this. I accept your right to freedom of speech of course, but this is a sacred matter, and therefore your right of free speech is not really relevant, because Tesco and his Shopping Trolleys must not be offended. That is what is taught and is Holy Law and thus above any debate.
There are others who worship false Gods. They worship Sainsbury’s, Morrison’s, ASDA and Waitrose. All of these are false Gods and even though they claim that they treat Shopping Trolleys as Holy, they are erroneous in their ways and heretics, because they do not accept the Holy Word of the Clubcard.
I have to talk about Shopping Trolleys because of terrible events! Someone has made a filthy film mocking Shopping Trolleys. It suggests that Shopping Trolleys are not sacred! It is in truth a pathetic piece of work, utterly puerile and totally lacking any merit, or so I have heard, because I have not seen it. But even so, this cannot be tolerated. Those who worship Tesco follow a way of peace, but to mock a Shopping Trolley is a blasphemy and cannot go unpunished. I do not expect you to understand this, because you do not follow the Holy Word of the Clubcard, but if you did, and had been inculcated in its ways since birth, then you would understand.
A few years ago there was a man who wrote concerning Shopping Trolleys. His name was Terry Pratchett, and the book was called “Reaper Man”. It featured evil Shopping Trolleys. Naturally I have not read it either. There was no need! So we burned the book, and issued a Fatwa against him and made him go into hiding, in Wiltshire. Now there is a thought.
I know what you are thinking! You are thinking – was that a peaceful thing to do? That misses the point. There can be no peace if Tesco is insulted. You would understand that if you had studied the Holy Clubcard since birth, and understood what it meant, as explained by my local Customer Service Manager.
In the end, everyone will worship Tesco, and even those who claim they revere the Shopping Trolley but worship the false Gods like Sainsburys and ASDA will do so too. Because there is only one true God and Tesco is it. We are many millions strong, and our purpose is to spread the Word of the Clubcard. We have no doubts, no fears. We are not conflicted by worries about Human Rights, this so-called free speech, this so-called “democracy”, or the right to coexist. These are all based on false premises, because the only true Word is that of the Clubcard, and what it commands us to do, as explained to us by my local Customer Services Manager. We have no fear of death because we receive our ClubCard points in Heaven, where you will not be allowed to go. We have no pity, and no remorse, and no sin because we are right, and follow the Revealed Word of Tesco. We have been taught this since before we could read. Your Jesuits understood what this meant. But there are not many Jesuits left, and your politicians do not understand this at all. They believe in “debate” and argument, and live and let live. But there is no debate, and nothing to argue about.
Your civilization has no defence against our certainty. It is full of fools who appease us and bow to us! It is a sign of Tesco’s greatness! We smile, and wait for the day when we will make sure the one Revealed True Word of the ClubCard rules all. All else will be annihilated. We have total faith, because we have been taught since childhood what the Revealed Word is. How can your so-called civilisation cope with that?