Off Their Trolleys…
I have to talk about Shopping Trolleys. Naturally, I do not expect you to do so, unless you are a follower of Tesco, the One True God, and his Revealed Word, the Holy Clubcard. For you to do so would be blasphemy. It would offend me greatly and I would be forced to take action against you.
I know that Tesco is the One True God, not just because he clothes me and feeds me, but because my father taught me this from the cradle, and because his father taught him, and his before him, and it is the Accepted Word. I learned when I was a little child, when I was taught to learn the terms and condition of my Holy Clubcard by rote, and my father would give me a clip round the ear if I did not study and affirm this every day.
The Holy Clubcard seems simple, but in its terms and conditions I find all answers I need and a strict code of how to live. My local Customer Services Manager explained it all to me when I was a little child, and all through my teens, and I know it is the Revealed Word of Tesco. My local Customer Services Manager would rightly beat me with a stick when I did not learn it well enough. There are other Customer Services Managers who claim it means something different, and they are all wrong.
It is the Truth that Tesco Shopping Trolleys are sacred, and no one but a follower of Tesco and his Revealed Word in the Holy Clubcard may speak of them, or offend them. I know this. I accept your right to freedom of speech of course, but this is a sacred matter, and therefore your right of free speech is not really relevant, because Tesco and his Shopping Trolleys must not be offended. That is what is taught and is Holy Law and thus above any debate.
There are others who worship false Gods. They worship Sainsbury’s, Morrison’s, ASDA and Waitrose. All of these are false Gods and even though they claim that they treat Shopping Trolleys as Holy, they are erroneous in their ways and heretics, because they do not accept the Holy Word of the Clubcard.
I have to talk about Shopping Trolleys because of terrible events! Someone has made a filthy film mocking Shopping Trolleys. It suggests that Shopping Trolleys are not sacred! It is in truth a pathetic piece of work, utterly puerile and totally lacking any merit, or so I have heard, because I have not seen it. But even so, this cannot be tolerated. Those who worship Tesco follow a way of peace, but to mock a Shopping Trolley is a blasphemy and cannot go unpunished. I do not expect you to understand this, because you do not follow the Holy Word of the Clubcard, but if you did, and had been inculcated in its ways since birth, then you would understand.
A few years ago there was a man who wrote concerning Shopping Trolleys. His name was Terry Pratchett, and the book was called “Reaper Man”. It featured evil Shopping Trolleys. Naturally I have not read it either. There was no need! So we burned the book, and issued a Fatwa against him and made him go into hiding, in Wiltshire. Now there is a thought.
I know what you are thinking! You are thinking – was that a peaceful thing to do? That misses the point. There can be no peace if Tesco is insulted. You would understand that if you had studied the Holy Clubcard since birth, and understood what it meant, as explained by my local Customer Service Manager.
In the end, everyone will worship Tesco, and even those who claim they revere the Shopping Trolley but worship the false Gods like Sainsburys and ASDA will do so too. Because there is only one true God and Tesco is it. We are many millions strong, and our purpose is to spread the Word of the Clubcard. We have no doubts, no fears. We are not conflicted by worries about Human Rights, this so-called free speech, this so-called “democracy”, or the right to coexist. These are all based on false premises, because the only true Word is that of the Clubcard, and what it commands us to do, as explained to us by my local Customer Services Manager. We have no fear of death because we receive our ClubCard points in Heaven, where you will not be allowed to go. We have no pity, and no remorse, and no sin because we are right, and follow the Revealed Word of Tesco. We have been taught this since before we could read. Your Jesuits understood what this meant. But there are not many Jesuits left, and your politicians do not understand this at all. They believe in “debate” and argument, and live and let live. But there is no debate, and nothing to argue about.
Your civilization has no defence against our certainty. It is full of fools who appease us and bow to us! It is a sign of Tesco’s greatness! We smile, and wait for the day when we will make sure the one Revealed True Word of the ClubCard rules all. All else will be annihilated. We have total faith, because we have been taught since childhood what the Revealed Word is. How can your so-called civilisation cope with that?
Sigillum
September 24, 2012 at 14:17
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Surely it is Trollies not Trolleys!!!
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September 26, 2012 at 01:01
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Only if you’r of yours
- September 24, 2012 at 13:15
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We all know our place but it’s impossible to pass the temple without
contemplating the many marvels which must adorn its displays. I have twice
ascended the Renaissance Marble of the Grand staircase and approached the
imposing entrance pillars of Huddersfield’s Tesco. A hesitancy to renounce the
heathen Pound Shop is exacerbated by intimidating architecture; the
treacherous feeling which accompanies any retail defection and the social
awkwardness of the transition.
- September 24, 2012 at 08:22
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Those of us in Spain cannot worship the true supermarket. We have
Mercadona, Hipercor, Eroski and Carrefour. Also Aldi, Día and other minority
churc../centres. Are we, too, condemed?
- September 24, 2012 at 07:35
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As a Tesco supporter without a Clubcard does that make me a Dhimmi? I feel
unworthy of Clubcard membership as I sometimes slip and enter the foul realm
of Co-op; a practise that I hope to abandon before my death.
- September 23, 2012 at 23:26
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Every little (what? what? where’s the effing noun?) helps
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September 23, 2012 at 15:08
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You’ll be telling me next, that my symbolic Colander and the Flying
Spaghetti that it contains are both merely the child products of this false
Tesco God.
- September 23, 2012 at 14:51
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And if we make the ultimate sacrifice for Tesco will the reward in heaven
be delectable till staff and sherbet?
Or will it all self service?
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September 26, 2012 at 00:59
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Definitely self service.
- September 23, 2012 at 14:37
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Absolutely brilliant. The only thing I have against it is that I didn’t
write it! I would, however, like the author’s permission to send it on to
others?
- September 23, 2012 at 16:01
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I have no problem with that – many thanks for the
compliment.
Sigillum
- September 23, 2012 at 12:37
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We shall simply have to take a deep breath, stomach in, shoulders back,
chest out, and deal with whatever the Shopping Trolleys throw at us. A sneaky
pre-emptive strike against their wheels may be of benefit?
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September 23, 2012 at 15:22
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You’re a fast worker, Not Joe King, you’d obviously already got in a
pre-emptive strike against the trolley I used at Morrison’s today – it had
about as much sense of direction as a Coalition Government.
- September
23, 2012 at 11:19
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Made my morning – rational heathens of the world salute you…
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September 23, 2012 at 11:15
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Tesco certainly seem to be making a bid for World Domination, but then this
isnt really aboit supermarkets and trolleys at all, is it? One of the curious
things about Fascsim, Communism any “ism” that promotes violence against
fellow man – often on an industrial scale, and with acute attention to cruelty
– is that there are always two omnipresent factors. The first, an unwavering
believe that this way, and no other way, is “right”, And second always the
assertion that the perpetrators are “defending” something against something
else. Defending the world from the Jewish conspiracy, defending Islaam or the
Prophet, or Christ, or God against the Americans or [fill in the blanks]. The
combination of these two factors one automatically unlocks the very basest,
nastiest and most negative elements of the human spirit or mind. Which is of
course ironic, because none of the great spiritual avatars who have walked on
the earth would have the slightest interest in harming anyone and would be
utterly baffled, I think, by any form of attack. Here endeth the Sunday
Sermon.
- September 23, 2012 at 13:20
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I thing the Comprehensive v Selective schooling argument is a bit like
that.
Selective schools can be added to any system but Comprehensive schools
only work if ALL children are sent to them!
- September 23, 2012 at
15:36
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And they won’t work even then. Guess how I know.
- September 23, 2012 at 17:54
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You’re the put-upon deputy head of the Polly Toynbee Academy
(formerly St. Rafts Bog-Standard Comp)?
- September 23, 2012 at 17:52
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…Comprehensive schools only work if ALL children are sent to
them!
Not so. There is a well-known comprehensive school which in my day had
perhaps different selection criteria from those it has today but a
prerequisite, then as now, was the requirement to pay hefty fees. In other
words it was truly comprehensive in the sense that bright and dim pupils
were taught in separate streams but absolutely not available to all
children.
Some of us got scholarships to Oxbridge, some tried just as hard to
scrape a couple of ‘O’ Levels but we most of us took a great deal away
with us.
- September 23, 2012 at 22:51
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You miss the point. The advocates of comprehensive schools insist
that ALL pupils be sent to them as without that condition they cannot be
comprehensive. Allowing ANY alternative school in the area allows ‘the
best’ to be creamed off and denies the ‘only way’ comprehensive to do
its work properly.
This is pure theory, put forward consistently by the advocates of
comprehensive education and has no connection with reality or any school
any where. I think that is a neutral observation that the advocates
would accept as being true.
The general point, as I understood it, from Gildas, is that there are
some arguments put forward nowadays where one side there are a range of
options but on the other there is only one ‘true’ way.
- September 24, 2012 at 08:27
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A good point; the theory, of course, makes no allowance for the
fact that, in many schools, the very brightest children, if not
diverted elsewhere, are quite likely to end up either head-down in the
nearest dustbin or using their creative intellect to expand the
disruptive activities of the awkward squad, neither of which does much
for the school’s position in the league tables.
- September 24, 2012 at 13:49
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Of course, all religions are fundamentally cargo cults. If you build the
right things, wave your hands in the appropriate fashion, you will receive
special prizes like immunity from oblivion and absolute justice. Anything
that draws, or even just tempts you from that path may leave you with a life
that’s just “…solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.” You too will die,
possibly after much misery, and never return. And at the heat-death of the
universe no-one will remember you.
How can anyone not respond violently when the stakes are that high?
- September 24, 2012 at 14:42
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That’s certainly true of the ones that promise untold delights riches
in the heareafter; the trouble is that when the architects of the belief
system crafted in the stick as well as the carrot, human nature being what
it is, they tapped into a rich seam of Schadenfreude, allowing the
faithful to derive gleeful satisfaction from the thought that their
enemies will be suitably and eternally punished.
It’s a short step from there to believing that the supreme being would
appreciate a helping hand with the torments and so on, especially if the
organisers omitted to put in something along the lines of judgement being
a divine prerogative.
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September 24, 2012 at 15:34
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It’s inevitable in any religion (except perhaps the ascetic, abstract
ones like Zen Buddhism). It’s 101 to define orthodoxy vs heresy, and no
matter how forgiving your chosen deity, and how focussed on judging the
individual rather than the society, it’s only a few small steps to
evangelism, and on to intolerance and violence. What if will damn us for
tolerating them? What if they corrupt our kids?
Niels.
- September 23, 2012 at 10:50
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Ah, but have you done the Parkk yet? Nothing shows your devotion like
circling the car park 7 times…
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September 23, 2012 at 10:37
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Very humourous piece, but with a very chilling undertone.
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September 23, 2012 at 11:00
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I suspect that was Sigillum’s intention. But then from what little I know
of Sigillum I have heard he is a very humourous bloke, with a very chilling
undertdown
- September 23, 2012 at 15:04
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A chilling eiderdown? That’s no use at all.
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September 23, 2012 at 09:32
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You are an unbeliever and I claim my 72 checkout assistants.
- September
23, 2012 at 10:07
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September 23, 2012 at 09:27
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What about Intermarche? We haven’t got any Tescos here. At least, I don’t
think so. But we have got Lidls. Will they do?
Actually, on second
thoughts, scrub Lidls. The don’t have Club Cards. And judging by the sort of
treatment I get from my local Lidl Checkout, I don’t think they have Customer
Service Managers either. I mean, do I look like a Shoplifter?
- September 23, 2012 at
09:30
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Heretic!
- September 24, 2012 at
17:58
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It comes with the space. Lidl seems to have a problem with Shoplifters,
or perhaps they are just horrible people. I mean, who would want to
shoplift from Lidl? That would have to be the absolute
dregs.
Personally, I would never shoplift from my local Intermarche,
but then I know them all. They are like Family to me.
Not sure about
Carrefour, but fortunately for them, I don’t shop there very often.
- September 23, 2012 at 09:15
{ 34 comments }