David “Flashman” Cameron (Eton and Brasenose College, Oxford) and the Demon Slasher of Downing Street Gideon “George” Osborne (St Pauls and Magdelen College, Oxford) would have us believe that we are in “this” together.
The “this” being referred to is a condition unknown to those two gentlemen, namely being broke, hard up, our jobs and houses under threat and generally in the financial poo, but there we go.
However, new and shocking evidence has emerged that the country is in fact being run for and by a cabal of like minded millionaires with only one thing on their mind; the control and managed shooting of the peasants. Sorry, pheasants.
News has broken that in these hard, cash strapped times DEFRA (Department of Food, Environment and Rural Affiars) has decided to lend a helping hand to the landed gentry by spending upwards of £400,000 to suppress a humble predator known as the Common Buzzard.
Note the word “common”. Significant? You tell me.
Apparently these “common” little things have been embarrassing the government by doing what the planes and helicopters so expensively and invariably cack handedly ordered by the government’s ultra billion pound defence procurement programme so often spectacularly fail to do, i.e. fly, and hitting their target of opportunity too. That being the hapless peasants. Sorry, pheasants.
The pheasants get the shitty end of the stick either way because if they make it though the dive bomber attacks from the odd Buzzard they get chased into the air where they receive extremely extensive and usually lethal “flak” from people called Charles and Henry and Giles dressed in tweeds and shooting extremely expensive guns rather well.
Pheasant pluckers indeed!
It is not much fun to be a peasant in the UK at the moment. Sorry, I meant pheasant. I keep getting them mixed up.
The naughty Buzzard Boys and Girls are clearly a matter of concern to those in the corridors of power, who feel that their weekend shooting parties and profitable shoots may be somewhat underwhelming if there and not quite as many peasants, sorry pheasants, left to mow down before retiring to the Spit Roast and Mouton Cadet back at the Range Rovers.
I understand that Flashman has been forced to backtrack on his previous “Hug a Buzzard” softly, softly approach. Instead, under plans drawn up by Home Secretary Theresa May, if three or more multi millionaire land owners complain about the same Buzzard once or one multimillionaire land owner complains about the same Buzzard three times the police will be required to arrest the Buzzard and magistrates will serve it with a so called CRIMBO, or Criminal Anti Buzzard Order, and subject to extreme restrictions whether or not it is actually guilty. However, it will of course entirely ignore the same without penalty.
However, this is just the start. Rumours abound that such is the concern for the mental and financial well being of the landed classes that contingency plans are being drawn up to use advanced ground to air weapons systems such as “rapier” missiles manned by RAF regiment soldiers to “take out” Buzzards from the grounds, whilst deploying a whole squadron of Typhoon Euro Fighters to harass the buzzards from above. .
David Cameron is said to be particularly keen on the latter tactic after being impressed by the effect of NATO’S bombing strategy in Libya.
Meanwhile the peasants just plan to keep their heads down for as long as possible and try to survive the next few weeks.
Sorry, I mean pheasants.
All together now…