A Common European Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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1
May 8, 2012 at 06:26 -
Better to have the official language as latin or chinese. Then there will be no more tinkering with the poor afflicted English.
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2
May 8, 2012 at 08:08 -
English has long been a bastard language. What we speak now is the English form of American since (particularly) media people rush to adopt any silly expression they hear from that quarter. When did you last encounter “consecutive” as opposed to “back to back”? Whilst my instinct is to deplore change in language, the price (or glory, however you see it) of owning the world’s common language is that it will be affected by its many, varied users.
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3
May 8, 2012 at 10:19
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4
May 8, 2012 at 08:22 -
All good fun, but still not as bad as the strangulation of English by local authority/statutory body speak. Just what is ‘scoping’, and ‘over arching’? I know what hypothecation is, but why use the word at all?
I worked for some years for a large international company with it’s HQ and many sites in the UK. It merged in the late 80s with a similar French company. Waves of briefings about the management philosophy of the the new merged company were fed down- mostly utter drivel, but the the point I remember was the statement:
‘this is not a French company, it is not an English company…’
Oddly, from the next month all financial reporting was carried out in Ffrancs and in French language. Most senior roles became French or German.
But the wheel turns, what’s left (not much) is now US owned, so presumably….
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5
May 8, 2012 at 10:39 -
For the 8th May date, read 1st April.
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6
May 8, 2012 at 10:43 -
Not sure why the EU is bothering. Almost everything the European Commission does results in a burst of Common Language; so unless they’re trying to make Common Language official (possibly the most constructive thing they have ever done), it’s just another bureaucratic waste of effing time.
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7
May 8, 2012 at 11:45 -
@Sadbutmadlad…
This is very old, though originally it was known as “Eurospek”, there was a slightly different punchline though…
“Afder zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riden sdyl. Zer vil be no mor drubls or difikuldis, und evrivun vil find id ezi du undersdand eash ozer beder.”
Still, a goodun cannot be repeated often enough.
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8
May 8, 2012 at 13:02 -
Yeah, I know it’s old. But with the recent European elections I thought it topical.
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9
May 9, 2012 at 20:29 -
Sad, just to add another blast from the past I submit the following.
ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!
ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER FINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN!
ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKSEN.
IST NICHT FÜR WERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN.DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDERS IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN.
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10
May 8, 2012 at 16:08 -
Over 40 years old, by my recollection.
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11
May 8, 2012 at 16:32 -
I saw it for the first time as “kaos in z klasrom” or something similar.
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12
May 8, 2012 at 17:05 -
Off Topic? I don’t know. But French is such an elegant Language. I am still battling with it after 18 years, and while I know that I daily murder it with my dreadful accent, I miss the sound of it when I am not here. I hope not to contemplate life without it all around me.
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13
May 8, 2012 at 17:43 -
You’re so right Elena
Though, you must admit too that they are occasionally a bit funny. Like in when they say: “No problem” when you just explained to them what IS the problem. Or: “d’accord…” when you tell them about something terrible, which just happened [like getting yet another stupid letter from the tax office or [even worse] from URSSAF [social security for non-French residents]
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14
May 8, 2012 at 20:08 -
In France, if you buy something, almost anything, which is remotely complex, it will be accompanied by a set of safety instructions seemingly in either (1) every EU language, or, (2) a selected few.
In the case of type (1) instructions, the first language, quite sensibly, will be the local one, in my case, French. Then the languages can be arranged either English second, or alphabetically or seemingly at random. Asian countries usually include the makers language as well, and some add Arabic. Of course technical instructions in (what is it?), 26 (plus) languages makes for bulky booklets.
So it is easy to understand the commercial attraction of a single language.The second case is interesting, for very often it might include only about a half-a-dozen languages, usually Eastern European, no English but always of course, French. I do not think that this is in any way discriminatory against English, although of course that is quite possible, more likely that particular product is earmarked for sales in certain countries and the languages listed reflect this.
Companies seem to be getting round the bulky booklets problem by using seemingly nano-thin paper with tiny fonts, making them very, very difficult to read, and to manipulate.
So will this now change, and all be replaced with simply English language instructions?
And what happens if the British decide to eject the EU?
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15
May 8, 2012 at 21:36 -
I have a magnifying glass in my kitchen, not only to be able to read instructions in tiny fonts, but also to decipher the tiny dark blue letters on the dark green etiquette of what ever regarding ultimate date to use or how to use …
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16
May 9, 2012 at 02:09 -
If you let them use English then in a few years it will turn into various incomprehensible dialects depending on where you live.
Remember ‘Eh by gum’ ( 1950 ish) or other northern variants of British speak.
Now you can have gangsta speak and real estate speak to mention but a compilation. -
17
May 9, 2012 at 17:48 -
Even if it was conducted in plain English, the majority of non Europhiles would have extreme difficulty understanding anything about the EU.
I know this from personal experience, having passed European Law as part of my first law degree. It was the only subject in which one was permitted to take in an unmarked copy of ‘European Statutes’ – so complicated is the subject i.e. written by those persons who delight in double speak and gibberish. When one considers just how many good and true men and women died to free Europe from the tyranny of the Nazi’s it is astonishing that we collectively have coalesced in the creation of something that, while not as inherently evil as Naziism is equally all pervasive and invasive and which attempts to be all controlling.
One could do a lot better if one took the whole European edifice and ‘deep sixed’ it in the deepest and most inhospitable part of the ocean, together with all its adherents.
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18
May 9, 2012 at 21:26 -
It was put up as a joke people.
English IS the international language of choice anywhere, whatever variety.
Sigh!
{ 18 comments }