The Electoral Commission has done us a disservice.
Whilst they are quite happy to accept an anonymous candidate, who cannot be held personally accountable since he is unidentifiable; they draw the line at a candidate who is incapable of fiddling his expenses, will never get drunk and punch the lights out of fellow MPs, is not given to wandering Clapham Common searching for Badgers by moonlight, has no need of moat clearing services, nor a Duck House, is not funded by UNITE, doesn’t wish to read all our e-mails, has expressed no wish to fund Shakespeare in Pashto for Afghan tribesmen, nor to encourage Yorkshire housewives to decant petrol over a gas stove whilst smoking a fag.
It is apparently the absence of all these qualities that has enraged the commission and they have struck the protégé of former Labour councillor Renee Slater from the list of prospective candidates for the local council election in the ward of Hazlehead, Ashley and Queens Cross.
Helena Torry, somewhat more Mannequinian Candidate than Manchurian Candidate had promised to take an unbending stance on local affairs, forever holding out an open hand for available grants from the prosperous south of England, never departing from the approved practice of taking zero notice of voters, and to display no initiative whatsoever.
Previous successful candidates for this ward who were acceptable to the Electoral Commission include Jim Farquharson who admitted calling the openly gay leader of the council, John Stewart, a fascist and a fat git, but denied calling him a ‘faggot’; John Stewart himself, and another councillor, Neil Fletcher distinguished themselves by becoming the second couple in Scotland to be joined together in unholy matrimony; an 18 year old student, John West, who was only available to his constituents out of school hours and who has now announced that he has got bored and wishes to go off on a gap year to Australia, Jennifer Stewart, who apparently can’t tell the difference between the sound of her young son falling out of bed and a Ford Focus crashing into her house, and Martin Grieg who was upset when he failed to secure for the ward a share of the proceeds of a record haul of cocaine.
Perhaps the Commission were concerned that the voters would be unfairly influenced, given the chance to vote for a quiet life with a professional dummy?