The Vera Baird Memoriam Squad.
Just as councils across the land are implored to become anally retentive of hard pressed ratepayers money, comes news that Islington Council is to splatter a quarter of a million quid collecting abandoned turds.
A lucky 22 individuals have been granted 12 weeks work chasing after the ‘progressive’ citizens of Islington and charging them £80 quid each to clean up after their dog’s morning ablutions. With the necessary Diversity Officer’s, Health and Safety Executives on stand by, and Outreach workers to counsel Poodle owners who think they have been picked on because of their sexual preferences, this enterprise will come to a grand total of £240,000.
Cllr Paul Smith, Islington Council’s executive member for the environment, boasts that this will be the largest collection of dog turds in the country.
The 22 lucky individuals waiting patiently behind Fido’s backside will have to do so 1,000 times each month to recover the costs of this exercise. 250 times a week. 11 turds each a week, 2 a day, will Fido be able to keep this up?
Cllr Terry Stacy, leader of the Liberal Democrats group, said: “This crackdown is welcome and well overdue, but how sustainable is it going to be in the present economic climate?”
I guess that will depend on what you feed Fido?
Rumours that Vera bared her dog’s backside at the inaugural ceremony are unfounded.
March 25, 2012 at 04:55
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Here is an interesting thought
A city of 1M people 25% own dogs each dog dumps approx. 200g/day equals 50T
of dog poo per day, just think about that in a city of 10M people….
- March 24, 2012 at 11:34
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I take it they’ll be monitored by a Time & Motion professional…
OK, I’ll get my coat.
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March 24, 2012 at 13:07
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March 23, 2012 at 23:24
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Oi! Vera! Pick up that poo!
It’s the very least you can do
When your
pedigree mutt
Empties its gut
Near King’s Cross or at Waterloo.
- March 22, 2012 at 20:24
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My council has spent £600,000 over the last five years to impose £4000 of
penalties. And this year they are doubling the funding!!!!
We are trying to fight back.
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March 23, 2012 at 12:41
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Speaking of which, what happened to the Wirral Groan?
- March
22, 2012 at 18:39
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This is the same economic thinking as led HMRC to spend £8million trying to
recover tax from Harry Redknapp’s alleged £100,000 bung.
No wonder the economy is up shit creek.
- March 22, 2012 at 16:13
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More seriously, I don’t like seeing dog turds everywhere, and I support
fining owners of dogs that leave them lying around. Not sure about paying
extra council tax though. Isn’t it simply illegal to allow your dog to foul a
public area? I thought that law enforcememnt was paid for elsewhere, or am I
misinformed?
- March 22, 2012 at 14:41
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OK. A lot of fun and maybe Islington council lacks a sense of
proportion.
Monday this week I found a dog turd on my dear wife’s grave.
Just what do the dog emptiers think gives them the right to behave like
this? On local footpaths some pick up some don’t. Some hang the bags in the
bushes because they are much too nice to carry them to the bins or take them
home.
Last summer on a fine morning I walked around Cissbury Ring. The
stench from the masses of dog turds was overpowering.
I’ve no problem with dogs, just some owners.
- March 22, 2012 at 13:11
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Definitely not jobs for East Europeans – you can’t Polish a turd.
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March 22, 2012 at 13:07
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Sounds like a load of shit to me.
- March 22, 2012 at 12:25
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What goes around comes around.
In Victorian London there were “pure ”
workers, who made their living picking up pure from wherever they could and
selling it to tanners.
Nowadays the tanners don’t get the product ( and
likely have been chased out on environmental grounds) so the public has to pay
for the “pure”.
- March 23, 2012 at 08:00
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@Pat – In the 60s I worked in the technical Labs of a group of tanneries,
and discovered why many such factories were in ‘hunting country’ – they
purchased used kennel bedding and floor sweepings.
In towns it was
possible earn a living (!) as a self-employed ‘poop-scooper’
The “Pure” was used to soak un-tanned hides to soften them. Right next
door to the one I worked in was a large area of water-cress beds.
Upstream.
By then ‘Pure’ had been largely replaced by extracting the enzymes needed
from waste in the production of Insulin using cattle pancreas. Now it’s
synthetic.
- March 22, 2012 at 12:15
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Do they do laxative chocolate for dogs?
- March 22, 2012 at 13:19
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Don’t know, but I do know that the human version works well on them.. In
another life I was stationed at a remote army base in Norfolk. The were only
10 of us based there. The captain in charge of the camp was from the
Household Cavalry (Donkey wallopers). He was a b*stard. One day he decided
that due to an “incident’ in a local pub the night before, he would put the
camp ‘on the gate’. This in civvy terms means that no-one was allowed to
leave camp.
The capt would swan about in his new VW golf convertible, with the roof
down, his faithful black lab ‘Tommy’ sitting up front resplendent in a WWII
style flying hat. A guardsman who will go unnamed , decided revenge was in
order. ‘Tommy’, being a greedy dog, wolfed down the chocolate laxative given
to him on the sly.
There was much hidden mirth later that day when the capt was seen
sponging the watery shit off the plush white leather seats and thick shag
pile carpets of his beloved car, while ‘Tommy’ lurked in the background.
- March 22, 2012 at 16:09
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hee hee!
- March 22, 2012 at 11:54
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“Rumours that Vera bared her dog’s backside at the inaugural ceremony are
unfounded”
With a face like a dog’s arse, all she needed t do was show up.
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March 22, 2012 at 13:09
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Actually, my dog has a very pretty arse.
- March 22, 2012 at 13:12
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Which one’s Vera?
- March 22, 2012 at 11:12
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Shiiiiiiiit!
- March 22, 2012 at 10:04
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I can imagine the protest chants now – to the ‘tune’ of no ifs’s no buts,
no public sector cuts…… the new one will sound like this……council, you fools,
I aint picking up no stools.
- March 22,
2012 at 10:06
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Sung by Mt T lookalikes…
- March 22, 2012 at 10:44
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lol
- March 22, 2012 at 11:43
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We don’t need no defecation.
We don’t need no turd control.
No dark
manure in council chambers.
Nanny! leave the dogs alone.
Hey, council
leave the dogs alone!
All in all it’s just another crap in the
park.
All in all you’re just another turd in the hole
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March 22, 2012 at 12:47
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HAHAHAHA
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March 22, 2012 at 17:50
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Excellent….. you do have to wonder how these pooches will react to
strange people pouncing on their poo. I hope the council is fully insured!
Dog-bite claims-r-us……..
- March 22, 2012 at 09:39
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The poodles of Islington are pooing
The citizens of Islington are
paying
For some unfortunate prole
Stuck too long on the dole
To catch
shit for a couple of shillings
Just getting my coat…….
- March 22, 2012 at 09:44
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Pooet Laureate.
- March 22, 2012 at 09:51
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March 22, 2012 at 10:01
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You just couldn’t resist the siren callof that double ‘oo’ could you?
DD
I predict a few masterpieces coming our way from the usual limerick
suspects….
- March 22, 2012 at 09:49
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Brilliant – and to think the ‘workfare squad’ were complaining about
being forced to stack shelves at Tesco’s…..
- March 22, 2012 at 13:53
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Put ‘em to work in your limerick mines, that’ll larn ‘em.
There was a young man from De Beauvoir
Whose workfare was following
de Rovoir
For a bucket and scoop
He gave not a hoot
For they gave
him a Fido de Hovoir
http://thylacosmilus.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/profligate-with-your-cash-no-more.html
- March 22, 2012 at
14:05
- March
22, 2012 at 09:29
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I don’t know if I should laugh at the stupidity or cry at the waste of
money.
- March 22, 2012 at 09:32
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It’s fiscally incontinent.
- March
22, 2012 at 10:04
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- March 22,
2012 at 09:04
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Ahahahahahahahahahahaha….
*pauses for breath*
…..hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
- March 22,
2012 at 08:54
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Are they going to put this “largest collection of dog turds” on display,
all neatly preserved in their little plastic bags?
‘They’ could call the museum “Turd Hall” then Cllr Paul Smith could become
the first “Turd of Turd Hall”.
{ 38 comments }