Keep on Smoking.
It’s official. There is a peril more likely to carry you off to your maker in the wee small hours of the morn than smoking. It must be so, the government says it is so.
No, its not eating more than three Pomegranates a week, nor taking a bath with less than five people. Give up?
It’s enjoying a peaceful retirement. Quit yer laughing, they’re deadly (sic) serious. They are forming government policy round this notion as we speak.
Evidence is now emerging of the dangers associated with elderly people becoming lonely and isolated after retiring. David Halpern, a senior No.10 aide, said loneliness was a “more powerful predictor” of whether a pensioner would be alive for more than a decade than whether they smoked.
It seems that living in the house that you paid for, happily bereft of a partner with rank socks that need washing on a monthly basis, spared the nightly ritual of agreeing that of course you don’t mind watching Top Gear, eating what you want, watching what you want, getting up when you want, going to bed when you want – is a deadly danger, you are liable to drop dead at any moment.
Fear not, the Government’s Behavioural Insight Team, known as the “nudge unit” is galloping to the rescue. Can’t have you popping yer clogs from too much bliss, can we? They have a solution, and it doesn’t involve only allowing annuity packages to be sold in plain pockets, nor removing Saga magazine from the bottom shelves. Far more simple.
We’ve been here before, but the ensuing ridicule hasn’t stopped them. iDave is out in Sweden at this very moment expounding on the wonders of…
“A big issue we have is under-occupation of houses,” he said. “We have more TVs than people in the house.”
A report last year suggested there were 25 million empty bedrooms in the country. Ministers were urged to draw up proposals to encourage elderly couples to downsize and create more affordable family homes.
Yes, a family of Kosovan refugees will be moved into your spare bedroom, purely to alleviate your loneliness, you understand. You’ll be able to practice your multi-culturalism as you stand on the landing in the morning waiting your turn for the bathroom behind a queue of Chinese cockle pickers.
But that alone may not be enough. They will go to work during the day, or maybe the night, and then where will you be?
Crikey! What to do? Simples!
Mr Cameron said he supported plans to increase the retirement age in line with life expectancy which could see workers remaining in employment until well into their seventies.
“We know smoking is really bad for you,”
“[but] A smaller number of young people working and paying taxes will be expected to support a growing number of older people,” they wrote. “Experience shows that apart from increasing the pension age, older people can be encouraged to stay longer in the workforce. This is something that many older people welcome, especially as health is no longer a problem for many persons even in their 70s.
The workhouse beckons, work until you drop…can’t have you dying peacefully at home; die surrounded by your exhausted fellow pensioners.
Told you not to laugh, didn’t I?
-
1
February 10, 2012 at 11:38 -
If I didn’t smoke I would still have to work because I would eat more. And then I’d get fat, and probably ill, and spend more money going to the Doctor, who so far, I have visited only twice in twenty years to get my ears unblocked.
And then I wouldn’t be able to work, and would probably starve to death. So obviously Our Dave has got my best interests at heart. I think? Unless he is hoping that smoking might kill me. Perhaps that is the rub.
As it is, I don’t have time to get lonely. -
2
February 10, 2012 at 12:32 -
Can I have some of whatever it is that ‘they’ are on?
-
3
February 10, 2012 at 12:50 -
No.
The likes of you and I must remember that our place is to graft unceasingly, so as to pay somewhat over half of all we earn into the Tax Pot, so that the Chosen Few may earn good salaries, generous expenses and a guaranteed index-linked pension for life.
Truly we are becoming an unequal society.
-
-
4
February 10, 2012 at 12:46 -
It’s not just that – they’ve got another strategy to ensure that your retirement is short and miserable – Quantitative Easing.
By simply ensuring that your hard-earned and meagre savings purchase smaller and smaller annuities at retirement, they keep you chained to the treadmill of work for longer, or that what you do get will be so little that you’re forced to beg for the re-opening of the workhouses.
Similarly, if you have any savings, their value will be diminished so much as to make thinking about the effort of accumulating them in the first place choke you into an early (and bitter) grave.
F****** Barstewards, especially the politicians who created this mess in the first place. May the fleas of a thousand badgers infest their trousers, and may their arms be too short to scratch.
-
5
February 10, 2012 at 12:52 -
Stop the world, I want to get off!
-
8
February 10, 2012 at 13:05 -
Pensioners were never meant to live more than five years after Retirement. This is the principle on which State Pensions were introduced, and what mostly happened in the beginning.
The Labour Party saw an opportunity to collect working life long contributions while not having to pay out for very long, and still look as though they cared about The Working Man. Which is why your Pension Contributions are spent on other things.
Sadly, they did not make allowances for my generation. Anyone of my age who survived The War were well used to being starved and frozen, and most of us are very healthy because we never got the opportunity to get fat or soft, and I know all about wearing more clothes because my grandmother stitched me into a Liberty Bodice almost from the day I was born.
So tough shit. I intend to go on collecting my miserable Pension until I am at least 120. That’ll learn em.-
9
February 10, 2012 at 17:36 -
“The Labour Party saw an opportunity..”: the Labour Party did not introduce the Old Age Pension.
-
10
February 10, 2012 at 17:58 -
No it did not: Lloyd George expanded the provision by Victorian Friendly Societies to cover all those over 70 of good character and with limited income, BUT Attlee’s government turned this into a near-universal provision for men over 65 and various categories of women over 60.
Elena’andcart has got it wrong – Bismark introduced pensions because he reckoned there was negligible useful working life in any of the lower classes who got to that age and the morale-boosting effect was of more value than the cost.-
11
February 11, 2012 at 14:29 -
My bad. It seems to me that The Labour Party have been in power all my life and are responsible for every horrible thing that ever happened to me, including two divorces and the miserable 73 pence pension increase offered not that long ago.
If I got it wrong then they almost certainly deserve it.
-
-
-
-
12
February 10, 2012 at 13:27 -
Having spent my whole working life cooped up on ships, I truly love being alone in the house for hours on end. Peace and quiet won’t kill me. Listening to politicians pontificating probably will though.
-
13
February 10, 2012 at 20:23 -
I couldn’t agree more, Mr Filth E. Solitude and loneliness should not be considered to be one and the same thing. I savour every second of solitude whenever I get it.
Mind you, since my teeth fell out and I lost an eye in a poker game, I look a lot less like Brigitte Bardot than I used to and my suitor-quota has fallen accordingly. Apparently I’m now ‘quite challenging’ on the eye and a strident harpy to boot, so on my days off – unless it’s one of Blind Smudd’s ‘at home’ Wednesdays – I can drift around at home en seule watching re-runs of Dickinson’s Real Deal (I love IAN the JEWELLERY bloke!) until it’s time to shove a tray of Aunt Bessie’s toad in the hole into the oven as a meal option.
-
-
14
February 10, 2012 at 14:30 -
I just heard this report. Indeed, it is loneliness which is a bigger riskthan having a cheeky tab. It seems to me that poverty and social isolation in old age is plainly the greatest scandal of our age (add to that the apalling treatment of the old in some care homes and hospitals). So it is no surprise for me to hear that being lonely is a killer. No doubt the government will however do their best to strip the elderly of a fag and a dram should they wish to take comfort their on their usual health Nazi grounds. But they will not do a great deal to help people feel comfortable, secure, at peace and well in their old age.
What a sad and stupid world! -
15
February 10, 2012 at 14:47 -
The old fella could pop into his local pub for a pint and a chat, except our betters are killing them off in droves.
-
16
February 10, 2012 at 16:00 -
The reason the old folk are lonely is because all their smoking friends are now staying at home because it’s the only place they know they can smoke in peace.
And no point the lonely ones nipping down to the local pub – it’s either closed or empty since the smoking ban, mainly because all their smoking friends are now staying at home because it’s the only place they know they can smoke in peace.
Nothing like a few unintended consequences to keep the nannies nagging.-
17
February 10, 2012 at 20:42 -
@ Rob and Mudplugger:
Exactly! I’m quite certain my old dad’s world wouldn’t be so tiny if he could take himself off to the pub at teatime for a large glass of red, a few Nobby’s Nuts and half a packet of Player’s Navy Cut before trotting back home to be in bed by 7.30.
-
-
18
February 10, 2012 at 18:17 -
Saving is another nasty habit and nesteggitis takes thousands of lives prematurely. I’ve tried quitting a few times but it isn’t easy to give it up. I find it just as hard to hand over a small fortune to some deserving Bank and the vicious circle continues when I revert to my old ways. But hey, if you don’t die of saving you’re going to die of something else.
-
19
February 10, 2012 at 21:02 -
Would it be indelicate to enquire as to the whereabouts of Mr Turation? I have a niggling feeling that all posts from the Turation household lately have been made by you, Mrs T …. I sincerely hope that Mr Turation hasn’t become a slave to his bladder; I’d hate to think that his nocturnal widdlings leave him too tired to visit AR’s site in person, leaving you to post by proxy.
Yours, concerned
G. Smudd (Mrs)
-
20
February 10, 2012 at 21:25 -
Oh, you must have second sight, Mrs Smudd. My husband always had trouble down there and has never been a well man…..not since that terrible, terrible Bonfire Night when Mick accidentally lit the fireworks in Albert’s pockets. Is there a Mr Smudd, my dear?
-
21
February 10, 2012 at 22:29 -
Oh yes, there is a Mr Smudd and a poor old soul is he, what with his hump and his gammy leg and his post-nasal drip. Still, he tries to keep cheerful and his sinuses clear and generally he enjoys to the full the faculties he has left which, annoyingly, include a fully-functional ‘downstairs’ and ardent optimism: this means that unless I’m quick with the flick of my plimsoll, I myself suffer from constantly disrupted slumber. Oh, how I envy you.
Please send my very best wishes to Mr Turation for the duration of his purturbation.
-
22
February 10, 2012 at 22:35 -
***** damnandblastitforcryin’outloud *****
I’ve made a spelling mistake and I HATE those! ****curses****
I know full well now that I’ve pressed the ‘submit’ button that it’s ‘perturbation’, not perturbation…..Oh the shame…
-
-
23
February 10, 2012 at 22:39 -
Aaaaaarggggghhh! Just shoot me.
-
24
February 11, 2012 at 12:25 -
Aha!! I wondered why my ears were twitching. Spelling mistake?
Abrgadercba?
-
-
-
-
-
25
February 10, 2012 at 18:24 -
Nudge Unit ? Perhaps they could stage an open air bonding session at Beachy Head and we could nudge the fuckers a bit further. Although I can`t say I have any trouble with one suggestion. But which spare bedroom of Dave`s do I move into ? The grace and favour one ? The taxpayer funded one ? The trust funded one ? I`ll make personally sure Samantha doesn`t die of loneliness when Dave`s at a Euro summit, dropping farts and blaming it on Sarkozy.
-
26
February 10, 2012 at 18:42 -
Michael Foot must be up (down?) there somewhere pissing himself laughing.
-
28
February 10, 2012 at 20:15 -
Mock ye not, sooner or later some bloody apparatchik will draft guidelines as to the square footage allowed per person by those who paid for their own bloody houses**, this sort of bollox is just the opening salvo designed to seek out the weak spots and soften the enemy.
No doubt some champagne socialist who could be a member of any of the three stooges main parties will see it as his crusade to push this through, the top brass will tip the wink that its been approved at the highest levels and to ensure the timing is right.
This space re-allocation will only apply to the proletariat though, those equals who are slightly more equal, like politicians and their mates for example, won’t be affected, no siree.
I wonder why there could be such a shortage of houses, couldn’t be the bloody stable doors at Dover and Heathrow being left wide open for generations i suppose?
**yes us silly buggers who bought our own homes with our own money earned the old way by hard work and lots of it, we also raised our children the old way too, usually by working all hours the good Lord sent often doing several jobs and not holding the old begging bowl out for social bloody services and the benefits mandarins to cover the costs…bloody fools we must have been barking.
Its all over really country’s about buggered, just when you think you’ve heard it all some nut case will shove his hand in the lucky dip sack and come up with another vote winner.
-
29
February 10, 2012 at 20:24 -
Hah – they’d better bring some WMD if they think they are getting anyone in ma hoose who has not be expressly invited and they’ll get my vodka martini out of my COLD DEAD HAND. Happy weekend.
-
30
February 10, 2012 at 21:45 -
There’s no doubt that there are those living alone that are less happy than they might be, for all sorts of reasons. There’s a limit to what anyone can do about. No matter how good it makes the volunteers feel. And yes, it does.
The last thing us old sods living alone in a family home need is some soapdodging lodger (aka paying guest) composting pizza leftovers under the bed in the spare room, nicking our loose change and beer from the fridge.
It’s my home. I’ll decide what I do with it.
Every time I see DC doing spineless blue labour drippyness I itch to see a proper hang ‘em flog ‘em serf whipping tory.
Doing something.
Even if he shouldn’t. -
31
February 10, 2012 at 23:36 -
“Evidence is now emerging” “becoming lonely and isolated”
What? Really? I can’t speak for scientifically gathered statistically valid evidence, but anecdotal evidence has supported this for a long long time. Well, sort of, I’ve always maintained that it isn’t the loneliness but the boredom of retirement that carries people off.My ‘evidence’ for this is the inevitevibaly funerals every couple of months for former workmates and drinking buddies. Oddly enough, those who have active hobbies seem to remain largely unafflicted, often living to ripe old ages (>90).
The smoking ban has not helped this situation at all, depriving a large number of retired people from the only activity that brought them pleasure (i.e. drinking, with us young ‘uns, along with the odd fag, and a game of darts or doms, or in one particular case, pub limbo).
That said, to anyone considering retirement (or having it forced upon them) for the love of Bob! Please, please consider finding a hobby you enjoy. Homebrewing is a good one, as is model engineering, ham radio; while dying keeps you busy if you’re unable to support the more strenous hobbies. Failing that, theres still plenty of options, gardenening springs to mind, mmmmm…. the smell of freshly grown tobacco… I mean roses.
The final (anecdotal) datapoint I have to offer is that of my father, who hit 80 at the start of this year. The git can still drink me under the table, can outrun me (just, he’s slowing down a bit now), and despite not working manages to do more in his hobbies than I manage between work and hobbies. Previous ‘projects’ incude a high speed motorboat, a replica bugatti, a rebuilt tiger moth, a victorian styled steam launch and…. well, the list goes on.
That said, he is getting more prone to ‘senior moments’ – I’m getting tied of getting called by my sister’s name. I should probably stop calling him Gunga Din before I complain too much though.
I’m going to continue to try to extract every point of knowledge from him that I can, not just for the benefit of the knowledge but to keep him young!
-
32
February 11, 2012 at 00:20 -
There is a precedent for taking your spare rooms. During the war (WW2) families were often ‘billited’ on unsuspecting home owners.
No choice in the matter.
In 1945 we found ourselves billited in a partly bombed flea infested house in Upper Norberry. At least it was a roof over our heads.-
33
February 11, 2012 at 09:59 -
‘Lodging’ was the most common start to early married life for many young couples in the industrial working-class areas 100 years ago. Check old Census records.
It satisfied two purposes – it got the young couple away from their own families to start an ‘independent’ life and it also provided income for the ‘landlords’, often elderly couples without work or pension income.
What goes around, comes around.
-
-
34
February 11, 2012 at 14:47 -
I’ve got two houses, so there. And one of them is completely EMPTY. And I have still not recovered from the occupation of my last tenant who pretty nearly wrecked the place and then sued me for the return of the Security Deposit which I had to pay back because The Peasants Rule, Okay!
Bugger that one for a game of soldiers. I ain’t risking that again. -
35
February 12, 2012 at 20:19 -
If any of Dave’s ‘Nudge Unit’ come calling at my reinforced door to tell me I have to ‘downsize’ (what a truly revolting newspeak term that is, he will be in receipt of a full bore blast from my carefully-polished and still fully functioning Bren gun, which was brought back from parts furrin by my dear old Dad.
My only worry is that my shoulders can’t take the continued recoil, but there again, we all have to make sacrifices for the common good!
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }