Word has reached me here at the Nun and Firkin that Ed Miliband is to undergo surgery. Not, thank goodness for some terrible life threatening condition. Oh no, no, no!
Many of you will remember the Six Million Dollar Man.
This was the TV series in which heroic astronaut was Steve Austin was rebuilt with bionic technology, and armed with super powers was able to fight crime and win by elections. Well, forget the last bit, obviously.
Anyway, it seems that Labour will stop at nothing to âmake overâ Glottal Ed and is determined to go the same way to create the ultimate political fusion of man and machine. He has already had a wife-o-plasty (the technical medical term for joining together a dreary politician and his dreary girlfriend in a civil partnership when they have been shacked up together for years). Now heâs having his adenoids fixed.
It seems that nasal whine has played badly with the Focus Groups in Barnsley or Whitehaven (although one would have thought he would have sparked a major resurgence in Birmingham). So itâs time for a makeover. Not content with a bit of colour coordinated power dressing and better haircut, Ed the Paranoid Adenoid is prepared to do to his nasal passages just what he did to his brotherâs back: sticking a knife in.
It may well be that the new Super Ed that emerges from the (private?) ward of beeping machines and green gowned surgeons will have had more than just a bit of super nose picking. In true Steve Austin style I predict that the near brain dead Hampstead-o-naut will be completely rebuilt with:
- A bionic eye, with which to spot political opportunities
- A bionic arm, better suited to squeezing yet more from the unions or your pockets
- A bionic ear, so that he can hear what voters actually think about immigration
- Bionic legs, for chasing the voters of middle England
But perhaps it will all be a bit less Steve Austin and more Austin Powers. Yeah, baby.
It beggars belief how far politicians will go to fit the bill these days. It struck me that if itâs not just dressing right and speaking the party line and being on âmessageâ that are enough but surgical enhancement thatâs needed, where will this end? Perhaps iDave From Oxford could have a chin grown, or at least a tie. Nick Clegg could have a backbone inserted. John Prescott could finally have his arse removed from his mouth. And Ann Widdicombeâs political career could be revived after a bit of nip and tuck turns her into a swim suit model.
Finally, can I suggest that that Nasal Ned might usefully undergo one drastic procedure designed to Labourâs unquenchable appetite for high spending and high taxes?
Itâs called a Gastric Miliband.
Randy Hackâs latest self help book, âDrink Yourself Soberâ is due out in paperback soon from Cheapplonk Press