A is for Ashes, Afghanistan, Avatar, and Anna Chapman. England seem set to wipe out the Aussies and have regained the Sacred Urn. We conclude 10 years of presence in Afghanistan no further forward and with more good lives wasted. Thank you, generals and politicos. Avatar (better known as “Dances with Wolves in Space”) breaks box office records. Meanwhile, Russian spy Anna Chapman is arrested in New York and deported from the US, but it’s OK because she’s quite photogenic and gets plenty of hits on Google.

B is for Bigot Gate, Bankers Bonuses, and BAA. Against all advice, at the height of the election campaign Gordon emerges from his bunker in attempt to ingratiate himself with what he considers those inconvenient and nasty proles who vote Labour. The results are predictable: long term labour supporter Gillian Duffy is dismissed as “some bigoted woman” for voicing the concerns of most ordinary Labour voters on immigration in an unguarded moment soon shared by whole nation. Toe curling fawning and gnashing of teeth follows. In revenge Brown writes a book, but the public trump his ace: nobody reads it. Bankers continue to pay themselves massive bonuses after helping to ruin the economy and playing on the global slot machine with other people’s money (bring on the tumbrels!). And BAA lives down to expectations by failing to clear the snow and letting passengers live in conditions that would make a public toilet in Delhi look like the Ritz.

C is for Coalition, Claggaron, Cuts and Cat Bin Woman. Two smiling, rich young public school boys in nice suits who have never had a proper job between them fail to achieve majorities in their own right, but fall deeply in love with each other and launch a coup d’état called the Coalition. The bizarre and unnatural result of their mating is known a Cleggaron, and it makes one realize what the ultimate results of either a mad scientist with a penchant for genetic mutation or really effective Devil worship would look like. Cuts are all the rage as the Black Hole that is the nation’s finances is addressed to the sound of mighty whinging. Most Googled news story of the year is “Cat Bin Woman”, who ticks the three key boxes for hatred in the eyes of British public; she works in a bank, she’s plain and middle aged, and she’s cruel to moggies. C is also for “the Cross Bow Cannibal Killer,” who presumably now has a Face Book fan club.

D is for Deficit and Divorce. The Deficit is so big that for the rest of our lives most of the population will engaged in a form of state created serfdom, working till we drop to pay for, amongst other matters, failed Stalinist capital projects and the gold plated pensions of those who helped create it. Take a bow, Gordon Brown, economist supreme. Tiger Woods suffers his own financial “double bogie” when he has to cough up £$750 million after he had been caught “playing a round” (see what I did there!?). And the Nation’s Darling, fragrant Cheryl Cole, also becomes single again. Don’t get carried away yet lads – remember the conviction for assault after she got pissed up in a Guildford Night Club? You can take the girl out of the Toon, but…

E is for Election Debate and the Edinburgh Zoo Penguin Cam. Nick Clegg “excels” after Cameron’s and Brown’s huge coteries of spin doctors and media advisors forget to mention that one of the key skills of communication on TV is to LOOK AT CAMERA WHEN YOU ARE TALKING, YOU MUPPETS! As all three struggled to say nothing at all controversial, it was like watching ad men given a joint task of miming the word “vacuous” but making it sell something. Of much greater interest was the Edinburgh Zoo Penguin Cam, which became an internet hit. http://www.edinburghzoo.org.uk/EZPenguinCam.html Considerably more enlightening than the Debate, the penguins may yet storm to victory at the next election, or at least form a coalition with the LibDems. LibPengs, anyone? Tough on polar bears, and tough on the causes of polar bears.

F is for Footballers’ Wives. Or ex wives, or other footballer’s wives. Or just wives, sometimes. England Captain John Terry is exposed having a tryst with his ex team mates’ ex wife, which is made all the more awkward because he’s just been voted Dad of the Year, or some such, and he’s got a wife of his own. Wayne Rooney indulges his passion for extending his social network with the help of a slapper on a grand a trick. Internet rumours abound of a complicated matter concerning a certain player and girlfriend, his wife, another player and …well, injunctions. Such is life for the £100,000 a week yob.

G is for Grumpy Old Twat. Sadly, Mr Grumpy has decided to hang up his keyboard. As a blog it was scandalous, scabrous, profane, witty and hilarious. A sad loss.

H is for “HP7A”. Or more formally, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1. Brilliantly labelled “Harry on Camping” by others, and “Harry Potter and the Tent of Angst” by me, it was actually quite good as the teenagers get all hormonal and miserable. And the only “H” I could think of!

I is for International Burn a Koran Day and “I’m Spartacus”. Nutcase wild eyed Pastor with no congregation Terry Jones nearly starts World War III by threatening to burn a book and nutcase wild eyed men with beards in Sudan, Bradford and Luton get upset and threaten death to those who insult the Religion of Peace. Meanwhile Paul Chambers, a junior accountant from Doncaster, tweets that he would like to blow up Robin Hood Airport if they don’t clear the snow so he can get to see his girlfriend. “Inspector Plod” descends like a hawk and a conviction follows. In solidarity witty Twitterers re-tweet his message under the “I’m Spartacus” tag en masse. Chambers still loses his job.

J is for Julian Assange. Curious albino internet hero up for sexual assault causes a rumpus and sends the politically correct left into a tailspin of contradictions. Conspiracy theorists have multiple orgasms.

K is for Kate and Kim Jong Il. Kate “Middle Class” Middleton announces she is to give up a life of wealth and privilege in order to marry some posh bloke and live a life of…well, extreme wealth and privilege. Wags observe that she is marrying beneath her (and there must be another joke in there somewhere) and it shows that girls you really can get on in life by hard work and using your head (!) Crazed dictator of North Korea Kim Jong Il sends her a message of support and an offer of counselling after he hears she is marrying into a weird, dysfunctional family. Also he will nuke us if he doesn’t get an invite.

L is for Last of the Summer Wine and Lady Gaga. Last of the Summer Wine finally expired after nearly 300 episodes and nearly 3 jokes. Lady Gaga heads to world domination and behaves ever more eccentrically, dressing in a suit made of meat. Sadly, the two were never fused. Lady Gaga in the Nora Batty role had comic potential, I feel.

M is for Miners, Memoirs, Milibands and Meerkats. In Chile, miners survive underground in a near miraculous triumph of hope, human spirit and ingenuity. In Britain, Blair and Mandelson race to dish the dirt in an entirely un-miraculous spectacle of greed, back biting and self justification. The Milibands entertain us all by dancing a fratricidal jig. As for that bloody Meerkat, someone please shoot it. Simples!

N is for Natural Disaster. From floods in Pakistan to earthquakes in Haiti, the globe groans under the weight of natural disaster, and we even get our own floods on Cornwall. Is Gaia theory right? Is the Earth rebelling against mankind who abuses it? Or is it just not sensible to live in a flood plain or an earthquake belt? Or, indeed, Cornwall?

O is for the One Show. A flagship program for Aunty Beeb, it has had some traumas this year. Ubiquitous Brummie “Everyman” Adrian Childs and Christine “Is this dress short enough?” Bleakley depart to the highly paid Sofa of Doom on early morning ITV. The Beeb respond by apparently constructing a new Bleakley from the body parts of other presenters, creating the toothiest and leggiest look-a-like replacement they can, but forget to give their new FrankenBleakley a brain. Another new presenter (Jason Manford) steps down in a sex scandal. However, on the plus side, stand in presenter Louise Minchin thrills the dads (and who knows, some of the mums?) with a dress that is too short and a flash of stocking. YouTube loves it. Clever Louise is Woman of the Year.

P is for PIGS. PIGS being Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain, who threaten to bring down the Euro by years of general profligacy and economic policies that make Mr Micawber look like Rockefeller. The Germans are not amused. The French do what they do best – riot. Meanwhile, another form of pig has been in the news. Police with guns has been a theme, as various loonies run amuck and the Police tool themselves up to look like Star Wars troopers on acid but hide. Also, they shoot a drunk bloke or two instead of just letting him sober up and get hungry.

Q is for Quango. Quite a few have been axed, but it’s a bit like trimming a patient’s toenails when he’s got gangrene up to the knee.

R is for Russians and Raoul Moat. Russians are getting everywhere, bringing dodgy cash and street fighting machismo to all walks of life, even our very own and very camp Strictly Come Dancing, where a Russian hunk called Artem with enormous plastic teeth has won with his partner and former EastEnder, the Royal Shakespeare Company’s Dame Kara Tointon, PhD, Dip Phil. Allegedly, both vertical and horizontal tangos have been danced with great enthusiasm, thus increasing the training routine exponentially. There is no truth in the rumour that the judges were threatened that if Artem didn’t win they would get a dose of tea flavoured with Strontium 90. Up North, Raoul Moat ran rings round inspector plod before they help him top himself with the help of an illegal Taser, Gazza and the SAS.

S is for Students, Sleaze, Sue Sim and Sandwell. Students finally roused themselves to some form of approximation of civil unrest by rioting against tuition fees, but in truth it was unconvincing. The students appeared to fall into three categories: (a) children of multimillionaire prog rock performers studying Fine Art and History of Wine at Balliol; (b) “Debbee” and “Tron” who want to study applied hairdressing and Rap Studies at the university of Ilford; (c) Geoff, a “mature student” aged 42 and founder of the Peoples Radical Democratic Revolutionary Anti Nazi Socialist Student Party. Dull, really, apart from someone prodding the Duchess of Cornwall with a stick, which one feels is a Good Thing – although a barge pole would be more appropriate. Sleaze continues with few of the more spectacularly guilty up as sacrificial lambs up for the rest. Sue Sim, Acting Chief Constable of Northumberland, shows that it is possible to look just as stupid as you really are and still get on in the modern police force. Finally, the Sandwell Stasi continue to pursue their “Zero Tolerance” policy to joy, common sense and pensioners, but back off when faced with a savage Raccoon!

T is for Theresa May, Toyota Recall, Take That and Tesco. Theresa May gets the poison chalice of the Home Office and tones down the shoes, sadly. Toyota score spectacular own goals as their cars develop the urge to drive at 129 miles an hour and not stop (well, until they hit something). Robbie and Take That are reunited, which is nice, and has nothing at all to do with Robbie’s’ waning individual career. Meanwhile, Tesco employs one in three of the working population and opens a shop every 150 yards. However, next year they plan to expand.

U turns and Umbrella Stands. The LibDems pull a U turn on tuition fees faster than I can say “Mine’s a large one” at the Abbey Christmas party. If Nick Clegg and Vince Cable had been in charge of the Titanic, she’d have been shipped about and hove to (whatever!) in record time and we’d have been spared that bloody film. Meanwhile, in February an elderly couple sold the vase they had been using for years as an umbrella stand. Whether Chinese Emperor Qainlong who commissioned it in 1740 had used for such purposes is not recorded. The £765,000 they received, however, is. LOVEJOY……!

V is for Vuvuzela, Volcanoes, Vampires and Vince Cable. The aural Black Death which is the Vuvuzela helped kill the World Cup, but so far unlike its plague predecessor has been successfully quarantined. The Icelandic Volcano caused airline chaos by depositing small amounts of ash into the stratosphere. Vampires are still in fashion with a whole industry devoted to feeding the fantasies of young and not so young women with heaving bosoms. And speaking of vampires, Vince Cable may have joined the land of the political undead with a series of gaffes which suggest that his chief spin doctor is the Crossbow Cannibal Killer. Stick to the dancing, Vince.

W is for WikiLeaks, West Midlands, World Cup and Woolas. WikiLeaks enraged the establishment by publishing previously unknown diplomatic information, e.g. Sarkozy is a tiny jumped up little brat, Prince Andrew can be a bit of a bore, Italy is corrupt. The West Midlands is named as the obesity capital of Europe. Everybody knew already and nobody cares. Who paid for that little study? The World Cup was dull and England fulfil their destiny by utterly dire performances followed by humiliation at the hands of our worst footballing enemies. And Phil Woolas says blatantly untrue things in a desperate attempt to cling onto the only job he could do and not return to the real word. So, goodbye then, Phil….

X is for X Factor. Can no-one make it stop? Now?

Y is for Generation Y. I quote from Wikipedia:

“Generation Y describes the demographic cohort following Generation X. As there are no precise dates for when the Millennial generation starts and ends, commentators have used birth dates ranging somewhere from the mid-1970s^[ to the early 2000’s …

Characteristics of the generation vary by region, depending on social and economic conditions. However, it is generally marked by an increased use and familiarity with communications, media, and digital technologies. In most parts of the world its upbringing was marked by an increase in a neoliberal approach to politics and economics. The effects of this environment are disputed…

No, the effects are a bunch of immature greedy media types who are trying to run the country, actually. Have a look at the Beeb or Parliament. Doh!

Z is for Zumba, Zara and Zombies. Zumba is a “whacky dance craze” blending south American styles.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPvWpcVfd9s.I resolve to have nothing to do with it. Zara Philips has announced her engagement to a rugby hunk. She seems almost normal. And finally, everyone needs to know how to repel a Zombie attack, particularly at the festive period. Here is a public information film. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UqEhUm2B_8

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Gildas the Monk