My aim in life when growing up was to learn a trade,
A bricklayer or a plumber that would have me made,
I wanted all the trappings my earnings would then bring,
A lovely wife and children, a home where I’d be king.
Now I’ve served my time I find it really strange,
As a tradesman I don’t earn enough, I think it’s time for change,
That home I’ve always dreamed of is too far out of sight,
The wife has not materialised – I’ve really had a fright.
I then went on a training course to become a civil engineer,
I thought my God I’ll make it big then I’ll look back and leer,
Little did I realise this was not enough.
With the cost of living rising my life got really tough.
I then trained once again to make designer pottery,
I have to say I’ve failed once more I’ll have to win the lottery,
If I don’t make some money soon my landlord who’s a louse,
Has said to me get on your bike I don’t want you in my house.
I then thought I’ve got it – I’ll become an electrician,
This was it, I’d soon be rich; I was on a mission,
Five years on I’m still alone in a tow-er block,
The money like the electrics has been a dreadful shock.
I need to get a job now that will pay me loads of money,
I want it to be easy going, I want it to be funny,
I’ve slaved for over twenty years and now I’ve got the itch,
To try a life in politics for they’re all filthy rich.
Then I seen the local news there was to be a by-election,
As I knew the chairman I’d ask him for selection,
The chairman knew me well for reasons he’d rather not,
But the info that I had on him left him rather fraught.
His attitude towards me was really quite abrupt,
He said “you’ll make a good MP for you truly are corrupt”,
I won the right to fight the seat at last I’d been selected,
Then when the votes were counted I duly was elected.
When I entered politics and finally took my seat,
My earnings were enormous my life became so sweet,
Now I have my penthouse, my wife and children too,
My mistress and my fancy Jags. I’m among the chosen few.
I pay my wife to work for me, my children and my dog,
They do not ask me for receipts or a financial log,
You even give me money for the maintenance on my boat,
Then you go and pay for a duck house for my moat.
We thank you for the shaving cream and our fancy combs,
But we truly are indebted for our flipping second homes,
That means the house you bought me you don’t make money off it,
For I can sell it, make a mint and keep the bloody profit.
I can claim for anything, as I travel from coast to coast,
I then claim back all I’ve spent including tea and toast,
I travel all around the world languishing in the sun,
Champagne and caviar each day, my life is so much fun.
Everything I buy now I put on my expenses,
All the money that I spend the taxpayer recompenses,
One thing we don’t agree with is travelling with the lower class,
So kindly drop that notion, it really is quite crass.
When they caught me fiddling I heard the speaker say,
“Though you’ll be suspended, we’ll let you keep your pay”,
Whenever I’m caught stealing, I need not fear the sack,
I just keep my head down and within a week I’m back.
Telling you what we fiddle that we will not abide,
We’ll tell you what you need to know, the rest of it we’ll hide,
If I ever lose my seat that won’t cause me tension,
I will then just walk away with my gold plated pension.
Just when I think I’m finished now with all the crossing swords,
I’m suddenly promoted to the illustrious House of Lords,
Now I’ll in live in comfort all my problems now have ceased,
I’ll live my life of grandeur with all the cash I’ve fleeced.
I’ll be rolling in the money then I’ll write my book,
Telling how I sold my soul and the morals I forsook,
I don’t care a damn about the fact the system stinks,
As I am now his lordship – who cares what you lot think?
There is no hint of conscience for now I can be sure,
I’ll never need to work again, I never will be poor,
All the previous jobs I’ve had just gave me endless strife,
That is why I’ve chosen to be in politics for life.
The most I made from other work was as a civil engineer,
Even then I struggled to buy myself a beer,
I’ve been a bricklayer and a plumber, a potter and electrician,
But I didn’t hit the big time till,
– I became a POLITICIAN!