My aim in life when growing up was to learn a trade,
A bricklayer or a plumber that would have me made,
I wanted all the trappings my earnings would then bring,
A lovely wife and children, a home where Iâd be king.
Now Iâve served my time I find it really strange,
As a tradesman I donât earn enough, I think itâs time for change,
That home Iâve always dreamed of is too far out of sight,
The wife has not materialised – Iâve really had a fright.
I then went on a training course to become a civil engineer,
I thought my God Iâll make it big then Iâll look back and leer,
Little did I realise this was not enough.
With the cost of living rising my life got really tough.
I then trained once again to make designer pottery,
I have to say Iâve failed once more Iâll have to win the lottery,
If I donât make some money soon my landlord whoâs a louse,
Has said to me get on your bike I donât want you in my house.
I then thought Iâve got it – Iâll become an electrician,
This was it, Iâd soon be rich; I was on a mission,
Five years on Iâm still alone in a tow-er block,
The money like the electrics has been a dreadful shock.
I need to get a job now that will pay me loads of money,
I want it to be easy going, I want it to be funny,
Iâve slaved for over twenty years and now Iâve got the itch,
To try a life in politics for theyâre all filthy rich.
Then I seen the local news there was to be a by-election,
As I knew the chairman Iâd ask him for selection,
The chairman knew me well for reasons heâd rather not,
But the info that I had on him left him rather fraught.
His attitude towards me was really quite abrupt,
He said “youâll make a good MP for you truly are corrupt”,
I won the right to fight the seat at last Iâd been selected,
Then when the votes were counted I duly was elected.
When I entered politics and finally took my seat,
My earnings were enormous my life became so sweet,
Now I have my penthouse, my wife and children too,
My mistress and my fancy Jags. Iâm among the chosen few.
I pay my wife to work for me, my children and my dog,
They do not ask me for receipts or a financial log,
You even give me money for the maintenance on my boat,
Then you go and pay for a duck house for my moat.
We thank you for the shaving cream and our fancy combs,
But we truly are indebted for our flipping second homes,
That means the house you bought me you donât make money off it,
For I can sell it, make a mint and keep the bloody profit.
I can claim for anything, as I travel from coast to coast,
I then claim back all Iâve spent including tea and toast,
I travel all around the world languishing in the sun,
Champagne and caviar each day, my life is so much fun.
Everything I buy now I put on my expenses,
All the money that I spend the taxpayer recompenses,
One thing we donât agree with is travelling with the lower class,
So kindly drop that notion, it really is quite crass.
When they caught me fiddling I heard the speaker say,
“Though youâll be suspended, weâll let you keep your pay”,
Whenever Iâm caught stealing, I need not fear the sack,
I just keep my head down and within a week Iâm back.
Telling you what we fiddle that we will not abide,
Weâll tell you what you need to know, the rest of it weâll hide,
If I ever lose my seat that wonât cause me tension,
I will then just walk away with my gold plated pension.
Just when I think Iâm finished now with all the crossing swords,
Iâm suddenly promoted to the illustrious House of Lords,
Now Iâll in live in comfort all my problems now have ceased,
Iâll live my life of grandeur with all the cash Iâve fleeced.
Iâll be rolling in the money then Iâll write my book,
Telling how I sold my soul and the morals I forsook,
I donât care a damn about the fact the system stinks,
As I am now his lordship – who cares what you lot think?
There is no hint of conscience for now I can be sure,
Iâll never need to work again, I never will be poor,
All the previous jobs Iâve had just gave me endless strife,
That is why Iâve chosen to be in politics for life.
The most I made from other work was as a civil engineer,
Even then I struggled to buy myself a beer,
Iâve been a bricklayer and a plumber, a potter and electrician,
But I didnât hit the big time till,
– I became a POLITICIAN!