Gen 4:1 And Ralph knew his wife Marion; and she conceived, and bare Abel Dave, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD, I think. Though it has to be admitted it’s a pretty funny looking one, and I am not too sure what it is, really.
Gen 4:2 And she again bare his brother Cain Ed. Who also looked most odd, so that some thought he was a tadpole, or yea a frog, or perhaps an alien, but not the kind of bloke you’d want to have a beer with, really. And whereas Abel Dave was a keeper of sheep and a follower of Blair, Cain Ed was a tiller of the ground and his countenance was even more red, but he wore a nice tie.
Gen 4:3 And in process of time it came to pass, that Abel Dave brought of the fruit of the ground known as a banana unto the LORD and the LORD quite impressed with Abel Dave and his banana, for at least it was distinctive and he was known also as banana man, sometimes.
Gen 4:4 And Abel Dave, he also brought loads of the Parliamentary Labour Party into his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering.
Gen 4:5 But unto his brother Ed Cain and to his offering he had not respect because he looked like Mr Bean. And Ed Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell, although he was already a dreary looking sop and the life and soul of the party he was not. For he was a policy wonk but quite ambitious underneath.
Gen 4:6 And the LORD said unto Ed Cain, Why art thou wroth mate? And why is thy countenance fallen?
Gen 4:7 Plus what’s your problem – I am sure you’ve got a nice safe seat even though thou art a pasty faced geeky looking bloke who has never had a proper job. And Ed Cain said to the LORD: Well, I want to be Top Dog, and I am not too happy about the proposed coronation of my elder brother as Leader of the Party, as it happens.
Gen 4:8 And Cain talked with Abel his brother and a few other bods: and it came to pass, when they were in the field of the leadership election, that Cain Ed rose up against Abel Dave his brother, and slew his challenge with a few more votes by slumming it with the unions. And Abel Dave was really not a very happy bunny at all, and one could see it even on the telly. And he sloped off and got well hammered on Chablis and swore vengeance on his little bro’ and we shall wait and see with interest when he wreaks his revenge in due course.
Gen 4:9 Anyway, then the LORD said to Cain Ed, Hey, where is your brother, Ed? And Cain Ed said I dunno; Am I my brother’s leader? Oooh, yes I am, as it happens! That’s great. And I’m a progressive socialist atheist by the way and I don’t believe in you. Up the workers!
Gen 4:10 The LORD said, “Well you’re bloody well about to believe in me! What have you done you total pillock? Now listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground and iDave is very happy!
Gen 4:11 And the LORD gave Cain Ed can a real tongue lashing then and said: Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s electoral blood from your own hand.
Gen 4:12 When you work the electorate, it will no longer yield its votes for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth and condemned to perpetual Opposition and live somewhere common.
Gen 4:13 And Ed Cain said to the LORD, “Oh, f***k my punishment is more than I can bear.
Gen 4.14 Behold! Today thou hast driven me from the land and my home in leafy London amongst the Metropolitan Elite, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth and have to live amongst the workers; and whoever finds me will kill me, like that Paxman bloke for instance, and I will have no polenta or lentils or art galleries or bicycles.
Gen 4:15 And the LORD said to him, Yep, life’s a bitch, ain’t it. As is Harriet Harman – hey did you see what I did there? But not so; if anyone kills Cain Ed, he will suffer vengeance seven times over for it is my will thy turmoil in Opposition shall be long and painful.
Gen 4:15 Then the LORD put a mark on Cain Ed so that no one who found him would kill him very much. So Cain Ed went out from the LORD’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, not far from Scunthorpe. And he did not like it amongst the workers, for they lived in a world he knew not and cared for not at all.
Gildas the Monk