Genesis Chapter 4 – King James Version – as slightly revised by Brother Gildas
Gen 4:1 And Ralph knew his wife Marion; and she conceived, and bare Abel Dave, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD, I think. Though it has to be admitted it’s a pretty funny looking one, and I am not too sure what it is, really.
Gen 4:2 And she again bare his brother Cain Ed. Who also looked most odd, so that some thought he was a tadpole, or yea a frog, or perhaps an alien, but not the kind of bloke you’d want to have a beer with, really. And whereas Abel Dave was a keeper of sheep and a follower of Blair, Cain Ed was a tiller of the ground and his countenance was even more red, but he wore a nice tie.
Gen 4:3 And in process of time it came to pass, that Abel Dave brought of the fruit of the ground known as a banana unto the LORD and the LORD quite impressed with Abel Dave and his banana, for at least it was distinctive and he was known also as banana man, sometimes.
Gen 4:4 And Abel Dave, he also brought loads of the Parliamentary Labour Party into his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering.
Gen 4:5 But unto his brother Ed Cain and to his offering he had not respect because he looked like Mr Bean. And Ed Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell, although he was already a dreary looking sop and the life and soul of the party he was not. For he was a policy wonk but quite ambitious underneath.
Gen 4:6 And the LORD said unto Ed Cain, Why art thou wroth mate? And why is thy countenance fallen?
Gen 4:7 Plus what’s your problem – I am sure you’ve got a nice safe seat even though thou art a pasty faced geeky looking bloke who has never had a proper job. And Ed Cain said to the LORD: Well, I want to be Top Dog, and I am not too happy about the proposed coronation of my elder brother as Leader of the Party, as it happens.
Gen 4:8 And Cain talked with Abel his brother and a few other bods: and it came to pass, when they were in the field of the leadership election, that Cain Ed rose up against Abel Dave his brother, and slew his challenge with a few more votes by slumming it with the unions. And Abel Dave was really not a very happy bunny at all, and one could see it even on the telly. And he sloped off and got well hammered on Chablis and swore vengeance on his little bro’ and we shall wait and see with interest when he wreaks his revenge in due course.
Gen 4:9 Anyway, then the LORD said to Cain Ed, Hey, where is your brother, Ed? And Cain Ed said I dunno; Am I my brother’s leader? Oooh, yes I am, as it happens! That’s great. And I’m a progressive socialist atheist by the way and I don’t believe in you. Up the workers!
Gen 4:10 The LORD said, “Well you’re bloody well about to believe in me! What have you done you total pillock? Now listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground and iDave is very happy!
Gen 4:11 And the LORD gave Cain Ed can a real tongue lashing then and said: Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s electoral blood from your own hand.
Gen 4:12 When you work the electorate, it will no longer yield its votes for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth and condemned to perpetual Opposition and live somewhere common.
Gen 4:13 And Ed Cain said to the LORD, “Oh, f***k my punishment is more than I can bear.
Gen 4.14 Behold! Today thou hast driven me from the land and my home in leafy London amongst the Metropolitan Elite, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth and have to live amongst the workers; and whoever finds me will kill me, like that Paxman bloke for instance, and I will have no polenta or lentils or art galleries or bicycles.
Gen 4:15 And the LORD said to him, Yep, life’s a bitch, ain’t it. As is Harriet Harman – hey did you see what I did there? But not so; if anyone kills Cain Ed, he will suffer vengeance seven times over for it is my will thy turmoil in Opposition shall be long and painful.
Gen 4:15 Then the LORD put a mark on Cain Ed so that no one who found him would kill him very much. So Cain Ed went out from the LORD’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, not far from Scunthorpe. And he did not like it amongst the workers, for they lived in a world he knew not and cared for not at all.
Gildas the Monk
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1
September 28, 2010 at 08:01 -
Excellent, yea verily, even unto the fourth generation.
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2
September 28, 2010 at 08:14 -
Such a bad monk at times! I am sure he will come to no good!
In love and light
Sister Eva -
3
September 28, 2010 at 09:02 -
Yo Banana Boy!
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September 28, 2010 at 09:05 -
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September 28, 2010 at 11:17 -
If you allow yourself (and perhaps therest of us as well) the joy of laughter, what would raise the corners of your mouth?
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7
September 28, 2010 at 12:16 -
Belittling and ridiculing the Bible is no laughing matter.
I find ‘Dad’s Army’, ‘Rising Damp’ and ‘The Flight of the Concords’ hilarious.
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September 28, 2010 at 12:24 -
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September 28, 2010 at 13:11 -
I found the episode where the NZ PM visited America very funny, esp the bit about using the previous incumbent’s business cards – 500 printed.
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September 28, 2010 at 14:47 -
Kinda having it both ways here Viking. We are here (in the main) British. The King James Bible is part of our heritage. Therefore using its more familiar parts for parody of a modern figure is a standard comic chop and in this instance, not a little funny.
If one was to use the Koran, British people would be far less likely to get the references. If this were not so, it would indicate that the Koran has reached an orthodoxy within our society that I feel you would not endure.
In short, this is a compliment to the bible as it suggests it is as standard enough part of our culture to be played with for effect.
So for you to advocate the Koran as an alternative source of comedic structure, you are asking for it to take the place of the bible in our literary heritage.
Also, “Belittling and ridiculing the Bible is no laughing matter.”
I thought he was ridiculing the Millibands with the Bible as a reference point. Either way, ridiculing the Bible is a laughing matter for as long as it is funny. Was the Life of Brian not a laughing matter?
Dad’s Army? Oh lordy. I guess not.
Your Islam schpeel is being over done somewhat.
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September 28, 2010 at 18:17 -
Can I just add that this is complementary of the Bible, I hope, andl intended only to be mildly satyrical of the Milipedians. However, I apologise if it offends.
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12
September 29, 2010 at 09:33 -
My original point was that I feel that there is a distinctly anti-Christian bias on this site, with very regular digs and side-swipes and occasional all out assaults on Christianity, Christ and Christians.
That’s fine, it’s not my site and I have no rights to demand control of content. As a Libertarian site, it seems fairly par for the course that ALL religion is derided as a means of mass population control. That too is fair enough. Believe what you like. But don’t claim to be dealing with these matters in an equal and even-handed manner. The criticism of Islam in postings is very rare, and very mild. To me, the reason for this is clear; criticism of Islam on a blog of this size is likely to push a balaclava-clad moon-worshiper to attempt to do his duty for his ‘god’ and go all Jihadi.
The Life of Brian is an outrageous blasphemy. If the likes of which had been used as a parody of Islam, it would likely have started a war.
People should recognise that the freedom of speech they allegedly cherish is a gift from a post-Christian era. They seem to want to use it only to critise and mock the religion which bestowed the gift, whilst simultaneously self-censoring criticisms of the moon-cult that will one day have them on their knees if this rot carries on unopposed.
I can assure you, my ‘Islam schpeel’ is just warming up.
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13
September 29, 2010 at 12:21 -
English Viking,
As you so correctly point out, you have no rights to demand control of content – not that that stops you trying, by every means at your disposal.
I don’t claim to be ‘dealing with these matters in an equal and even-handed manner’ – what I claim, and will always claim, is that I write what I want, when I want, how I want, depending on what happens to catch my attention or amuse me on a daily basis.
If middle aged Muslims chose to expose their knobbly knees and march off down the high street carrying a replica of whatever it was that saw off Mohammed hundreds of years ago looking utterly ridiculous, I will laugh at that and it will be reflected in whatever I write that day. If Christians chose to swallow a mobile phone sim card and half a ton of explosives and then end up plastered on the office ceiling when their wife phones them at work and detonates the semtex, than that will be my choice.
It is your opinion that fear of the reaction to any criticism of Islam is my criteria in choosing what to write, and you could not be more wrong – I have written many pieces that ridicule Islam – and every other organised method of controlling a population – and strangely enough, have never had a single ‘jihadist’ appear on this site and offer to behead me, nor complain, nor would I care less if they did.
This isn’t a government run public service, it is my blog – and I tolerate your endless attempts to turn it into a ‘Christian’ site as little or as much as I please. If a Christian site is what you wish to find, why don’t you go and find one? This isn’t it – this is a Quaker and Libertarian site, and always will be.-
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September 30, 2010 at 02:47 -
Your ‘Quakerism’ appears to mean absolutely nothing besides bestowing (in your mind) a veneer of religious consideration to your views which you hope annuls any attempt to point out your inveterate dislike of Christianity; it hasn’t and it won’t.
I have not attempted to turn this site into a Christian site, that would be a foolish task, rather like attempting to turn Playboy into ‘Christian Porn’. Not possible.
That the world is plagued by suicide bombers of the non-Christian variety is plain for all to see, except perhaps yourself.
You have not critiqued, slandered, ridiculed, belittled, complained about or vilified Islam and its followers to anywhere near the same degree as Christianity. A simple glance into the previous postings is evidence of this. You are concerned about the consequences, and who wouldn’t be? At least have the honesty to say so. You say as you please about Christ because you know the reaction; prayers and pity.
If this site is meant for nothing more than a Libertarian luv-in, with no consideration for outside views, what is the point of your posts? Are they just to make you feel good, that so many other Libertarians agree with you?
It would appear from your invitation for me to leave that I have out-stayed my welcome, and so I’ll say ‘goodbye’.
Matthew 12 v 36, KJV.
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September 29, 2010 at 14:41 -
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September 29, 2010 at 18:33 -
I like Father Ted as well and so do my Catholic friends. Rev is very funny but The Vicar of Dibley was utter rubbish.
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22
September 28, 2010 at 09:10 -
/applause
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23
September 28, 2010 at 09:16 -
One can only grant you a degree of indulgence for that !
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24
September 28, 2010 at 09:36 -
Very good. It’s amazing how many real life situations can be found in the Bible.
However I’m from the old fashioned biblical school of thought that appreciates a good smiting or two in his Bible readings. Any chance of some blood curdling tribal smitings in your next reading?
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26
September 28, 2010 at 09:45 -
Bravo, very good indeed.
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September 28, 2010 at 10:11 -
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September 28, 2010 at 10:24 -
Only four generations? I think we might need a bit longer than that.
PS. I hope Dave tells him where to stick his job.
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30
September 28, 2010 at 14:48 -
Perfect photograph as usual
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September 28, 2010 at 18:40 -
Glo: 1:1 And Cain Ed addressed the throng saying “The Big Boys did it and ran away.”
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32
September 28, 2010 at 19:11 -
The Book of Gloria – now there would be some wisdom!
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