Wot we need like, in my ‘umble opinion, is a little respectability. Respectability can be purchased, off the shelf. It is surprisingly cheap and available.
Cheap for good reason, for it is quite sham of course; a world of monkey suits and grand titles, arms and tradition, pomp and circumstance, Disneyland costumes, and opulent dinners for your Mistress. Interested?
I am not suggesting that we take it seriously, merely that it would be an interesting exercise in playing ‘them’ at their own game.
Here goes then. The Worshipful Company of Bloggers, Trolls and On-line Commentators starts here. The Cordwainers, Wax Chandlers, and Scriveners did it, no reason why we shouldn’t.
Our first port of call has to be the Charity Commission. ‘Charrideee’ is the key building block for respectability.
We need a mere £5,000 in a Treasurer’s account, or at least a formal offer of that sum in order to register as a Charity. The Blogosphere raised twice that in a matter of days for Nick Hogan, so I am sure we can raise a mere £5,000 to buy respectability.
We need an aim – I suggest that it be ‘to provide counselling to Bloggers, Trolls, and On-line Commentators in order to ensure their ability to communicate via keyboard after real life has intervened, or to pay their burial expenses, and to preserve the unique language of the Blogosphere’.
Once we have our Registered Charity number, we can apply to the European Commission for funding to preserve our ‘unique language’. There was £25.8 million doled out last year, we could do with some of that.
Now we area properly funded charity, we can really go to town. The City of London to be specific.
We can apply to be a Livery Company. The Livery Companies can trace unbroken descent from medieval Trade Guilds. The term ‘Livery’ covers the distinctive clothing and badges, the symbols of membership.
Ideally, we should adopt something out of ‘It’s a Knock-out’ – Floppy velvet hats with an ostrich plume would be a good start. Knickerbockers, and Max Wall tights, with an overcoat of glittering gold with keyboard design woven into the sleeves to complete the pantomime effect. We need to blend in.
The College of Arms will be happy to grant our heraldic Arms. I suggest we display the Portcullis of Westminster pierced by Freedom of Information request in base from a Mount Vert charged with Mounted Cannon Or. With supporters dexter, a rampant Iain Dale, gorged with links attached to Totalus Politicus, and Sinister a smooth tongued winged Guido with supine Raccoon at feet and ascending One True Libertarian with head engorged by planet Uranus. The crest should be a Tin Foil Hat with crossed Petards surmounted posteriorly by Baroness Scotland and Vera Baird. We will need a suitable Latin motto. Suggestions welcome.
No trouble at all for a man like Grumpy Old Twat.
We have to hold an annual luncheon in the City of London. I believe the ‘Hung, Drawn and Quartered’ still hosts 24 hour drinking, which should suit the Blogosphere.
Now that we have become Liveried Company number 109, we can really have some fun. We get to appoint the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of London – not Boris Johnson’s tuppenny-happeny little outfit, but the real McCoy. Even the Queen has to ask him/her whether she can come in for an hour or so. There will only be the 109 Livery companies voting for him, so we can punch above our weight here. Salted Slug for Lord Mayor! After we have voted him in, and installed him in all the grandeur of the Mansion house, we get to stage the Lord Mayor’s Show with accompanying fireworks. The Prime Minister has to come and address our annual banquet. When Charlie boy ascends to the throne, The Right Honourable Salted Slug gets to assist the royal butler holding his toothpaste. The blogging opportunities are endless.
There is a serious side to all this of course. We also get to write a code of practice. We can insist on arbitration before any dispute with a member goes to court. Master Obnoxio Clownius could be appointed to keep Carter-Ruck submerged in incendiary paperwork for months on end, finally ruling that there is no case to answer, his member has infringed not so much as a wet fish. Or in the more formal language of his court – f**k off.
I would say it was just a flight of fancy – but the assorted bouncers and Raoul Moat’s of this world have just achieved similar status. They call themselves ‘Security Professionals’ of course. The Daily Telegraph was pleased to report in respectful tones that the head of M15 – ‘the bollard advice bureau’ – has just given a major speech at ‘The Worshipful Company of Security Professionals’ and the more I looked into how the heck they came to be so respectable, the easier I realised it would be for us to do the same thing.
You just need to play the system.
Nearly forgot – the annual Mistress’s lunch…….HERE