The Worshipful Company of Bloggers, Trolls, and On-line Commentators.
Wot we need like, in my ‘umble opinion, is a little respectability. Respectability can be purchased, off the shelf. It is surprisingly cheap and available.
Cheap for good reason, for it is quite sham of course; a world of monkey suits and grand titles, arms and tradition, pomp and circumstance, Disneyland costumes, and opulent dinners for your Mistress. Interested?
I am not suggesting that we take it seriously, merely that it would be an interesting exercise in playing ‘them’ at their own game.
Here goes then. The Worshipful Company of Bloggers, Trolls and On-line Commentators starts here. The Cordwainers, Wax Chandlers, and Scriveners did it, no reason why we shouldn’t.
Our first port of call has to be the Charity Commission. ‘Charrideee’ is the key building block for respectability.
We need a mere £5,000 in a Treasurer’s account, or at least a formal offer of that sum in order to register as a Charity. The Blogosphere raised twice that in a matter of days for Nick Hogan, so I am sure we can raise a mere £5,000 to buy respectability.
We need an aim – I suggest that it be ‘to provide counselling to Bloggers, Trolls, and On-line Commentators in order to ensure their ability to communicate via keyboard after real life has intervened, or to pay their burial expenses, and to preserve the unique language of the Blogosphere’.
Once we have our Registered Charity number, we can apply to the European Commission for funding to preserve our ‘unique language’. There was £25.8 million doled out last year, we could do with some of that.
Now we area properly funded charity, we can really go to town. The City of London to be specific.
We can apply to be a Livery Company. The Livery Companies can trace unbroken descent from medieval Trade Guilds. The term ‘Livery’ covers the distinctive clothing and badges, the symbols of membership.
Ideally, we should adopt something out of ‘It’s a Knock-out’ – Floppy velvet hats with an ostrich plume would be a good start. Knickerbockers, and Max Wall tights, with an overcoat of glittering gold with keyboard design woven into the sleeves to complete the pantomime effect. We need to blend in.
The College of Arms will be happy to grant our heraldic Arms. I suggest we display the Portcullis of Westminster pierced by Freedom of Information request in base from a Mount Vert charged with Mounted Cannon Or. With supporters dexter, a rampant Iain Dale, gorged with links attached to Totalus Politicus, and Sinister a smooth tongued winged Guido with supine Raccoon at feet and ascending One True Libertarian with head engorged by planet Uranus. The crest should be a Tin Foil Hat with crossed Petards surmounted posteriorly by Baroness Scotland and Vera Baird. We will need a suitable Latin motto. Suggestions welcome.
No trouble at all for a man like Grumpy Old Twat.
We have to hold an annual luncheon in the City of London. I believe the ‘Hung, Drawn and Quartered’ still hosts 24 hour drinking, which should suit the Blogosphere.
Now that we have become Liveried Company number 109, we can really have some fun. We get to appoint the Right Honourable Lord Mayor of London – not Boris Johnson’s tuppenny-happeny little outfit, but the real McCoy. Even the Queen has to ask him/her whether she can come in for an hour or so. There will only be the 109 Livery companies voting for him, so we can punch above our weight here. Salted Slug for Lord Mayor! After we have voted him in, and installed him in all the grandeur of the Mansion house, we get to stage the Lord Mayor’s Show with accompanying fireworks. The Prime Minister has to come and address our annual banquet. When Charlie boy ascends to the throne, The Right Honourable Salted Slug gets to assist the royal butler holding his toothpaste. The blogging opportunities are endless.
There is a serious side to all this of course. We also get to write a code of practice. We can insist on arbitration before any dispute with a member goes to court. Master Obnoxio Clownius could be appointed to keep Carter-Ruck submerged in incendiary paperwork for months on end, finally ruling that there is no case to answer, his member has infringed not so much as a wet fish. Or in the more formal language of his court – f**k off.
I would say it was just a flight of fancy – but the assorted bouncers and Raoul Moat’s of this world have just achieved similar status. They call themselves ‘Security Professionals’ of course. The Daily Telegraph was pleased to report in respectful tones that the head of M15 – ‘the bollard advice bureau’ – has just given a major speech at ‘The Worshipful Company of Security Professionals’ and the more I looked into how the heck they came to be so respectable, the easier I realised it would be for us to do the same thing.
You just need to play the system.
Nearly forgot – the annual Mistress’s lunch…….HERE
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1
September 21, 2010 at 18:40 -
My God,only £5000. I could have been a worshipful company if only I had not lashed out on the new (and very politically incorrect) car earlier this year.
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2
September 21, 2010 at 18:41 -
A truly inspired and excellent idea – whatever substances you have recently been sampling, I want some too.
Meanwhile, a lesson in the perils of skim-reading…
I followed the last link in your post and – too hastily – read:‘The following Friday ……. Mistress’s Lunch ……….. laid and eighteen ladies had a very jolly time.’
I bet they did!
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3
September 21, 2010 at 18:48 -
I was doing OK until I reached “a rampant Iain Dale”, when a little bit of sick came up.
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4
September 21, 2010 at 19:00 -
How are you going to keep those n
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5
September 21, 2010 at 19:03 -
I started so I will finish . asty left wing bloggers out they have the EHRC on their side?
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6
September 21, 2010 at 19:06 -
Oooooh good idea. Count me in.
Maybe we should also form a Union, attract some Union modernising funding from the government and interfere with The Labour Party using our block vote….
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8
September 21, 2010 at 19:10 -
9
September 21, 2010 at 19:15 -
Please, Please, will somebody do a mock up of that coat of arms and crest? I’m not sure about Iain Dale rampant though.
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12
September 21, 2010 at 19:22 -
Being “Worshipful” should attract support from Brother Gildas & Sister Eva
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14
September 21, 2010 at 19:53 -
‘a rampant Iain Dale’
My eyes are bleedy. -
15
September 21, 2010 at 20:33 -
I might have a few of my tag-wresting outfits still lurking in the attic – obviously there’s plenty of material (albeit a bit ‘spangled’) – enough to stretch to a few ‘company uniforms’ if needed. As for the hats, one can work wonders with a few feathers elastoplasted to a rainbonnet.
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16
September 21, 2010 at 20:44 -
pertinacia sapientes juvat
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17
September 21, 2010 at 21:21 -
Illegitimus non carborundum.
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18
September 21, 2010 at 21:26 -
P.S. Translation for those wot didn’t do Latin at skool – “Don’t let the bastards grind you down”.
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21
September 21, 2010 at 23:49 -
Stubbornness favours the wise?
Bulgarate ad perseverare as Churchill might have translated his famous phrase if he was willing to talk to a table at Harrow.
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22
September 21, 2010 at 20:54 -
An attempt at a Latin Motto:
Cunctus universitas est vigilo
[my caveat – that’s probably pidgin Latin – Babelfish doesn’t ‘do’ Latin – I wanted – “The whole world’s watching”]
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23
September 21, 2010 at 21:52 -
It is for posts like this that I love you to the point of making my girlfriend jealous. (quite seriously, she is)
Scrumulescent. I shall donate to the tune of the average x 2
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24
September 21, 2010 at 22:58 -
Quando hic adveni ita erat = It was like that when I got here.
I’m a bit out of practice with heraldry but I do know you can’t have Iain Dale rampant. It’s Iain Dale overt. -
25
September 22, 2010 at 08:38 -
Semer in sterco sumus – solum profundum variat..
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26
September 22, 2010 at 10:11 -
« Qui s’y frotte se pique »
It’s not Latin [I was raised a Catholic, but none of the ritual Latin I know would be of use in this case], yet I would propose the above French motto of the founders of my present dwelling. The many meanings of “se frotter” range from associating with someone to challenging someone, so I actually never dare use it in daily conversations. However, since I found the motto on a beautiful old fireback in one of my fireplaces, I would propose to translate it here as “Who touches here gets hurt”. Now, how’s that for a blogger motto?
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27
September 22, 2010 at 10:11 -
28
September 22, 2010 at 13:58 -
The 108th (and most recent) livery company you mention do seem to have a splendid time luncheoning, dining, suppering, drinking, finger buffeting, wining, receptioning and currying. See their last year’s activities in the table below.
Now can some bright readers on this blog use this as inspiration to design our own diary of events?
(By the way, Chatelaine, I loved the “Who touches here gets hurt” motto)
# ===============================================
# The Worshipful Company of Security Professionals
# Diary of Events
# ===============================================# 2009
* 16-Sep-2009 12:00pm – Annual Lecture and Reception – Location: Painters’ Hall
* 17-Sep-2009 11:00am – Inter Livery Walk around the Livery Halls of the City Commissioners
* 17-Sep-2009 5:00pm – Commissioner’s Dinner – Location: JP Morgan, 60 Victoria Embankment
* 24-Sep-2009 12:00pm – Curry Lunch Gratte Brothers – Location: Gratte Brothers
* 29-Sep-2009 12:00am – Election of The Lord Mayor – Location: Guildhall* 13-Oct-2009 6:00pm – Annual Dinner – Location: Glaziers’ Hall
* 29-Oct-2009 6:00pm – Master attends Trafalgar Dinner – Location: HMS Severn* 2-Nov-2009 2:00pm – Garden of Remembrance – Location: St Pauls
* 14-Nov-2009 12:00am – Lord Mayor’s Show – Location: City of London Lord Mayor’s Show, 14 November 2009
* 23-Nov-2009 4:00pm – Common Hall and Sheriffs’ Awards Presentation followed by a reception – Location: JP Morgan, 60 Victoria Embankment* 9-Dec-2009 3:00pm – Carol Service, followed by Supper in the Church – Location: Church of St Giles Cripplegate, Fore Street, Barbican, London EC2Y 8DA
* 11-Dec-2009 12:00pm – Christmas Lunch – Location: Watermen’s Hall# 2010
* 5-Jan-2010 6:00pm – RAF Regiment Dinner – Location: RAF Honnington
* 11-Jan-2010 6:00pm – Tour of The Worshipful Company of Clockmakers’ Museum. Supper can be organised at Brown’s in Old Jewry. – Location: Clockmakers’ Museum, The Guildhall
* 13-Jan-2010 12:00am – Sign off for Draft Site – Location: Guildhall
* 13-Jan-2010 12:00am – Spanyards Farm Shoot (breakfast and lunch provided) – Location: Staplecross, East Sussex
* 13-Jan-2010 11:00am – Standing Committee meetings – Location: Guildhall- Aldermen’s Dining Room
* 13-Jan-2010 6:30pm – City Pub Night – Location: Telegraph Pub, Telegraph Street EC2
* 18-Jan-2010 4:30pm – Wardens’ Group meeting – Location: Control Risks, Cottons Centre, Cottons Lane, SE1
* 21-Jan-2010 6:00pm – City Walk: What Woppa – the Story of Sailor Town – Location: Tower Hill Underground
* 27-Jan-2010 4:00pm – Court Meeting – Location: Guildhall Committee Room 3* 16-Feb-2010 11:30am – Inter-Livery Pancake Race – Location: Guildhall Yard
* 17-Feb-2010 1:00pm – Loriners’ Company 750 years Exhibition – Location: Guildhall Art Gallery
* 18-Feb-2010 6:00pm – Annual Church Service, followed by a Fork Buffet at Watermen’s Hall. – Location: The Chapel Royal of St Peter ad Vincula, HM Tower of London* 1-Mar-2010 5:00pm – Inter-Livery Bridge Competition – Location: Drapers’ Hall
* 6-Mar-2010 6:00pm – Blues Brothers Dinner Dance – Location: Rembrandt Hotel, 11 Thurloe Place, Knightsbridge SW7 2RS
* 10-Mar-2010 11:00am – Standing Committee meetings – Location: Guildhall – Allen & Over
* 12-Mar-2010 6:00pm – Royal Charter Celebration Reception – Location: Mansion House
* 15-Mar-2010 5:00pm – Inter-Livery Swimathon – Location: RAC Epsom
* 19-Mar-2010 11:00am – United Guilds’ Service – Location: St Paul’s Cathedra
* 26-Mar-2010 12:00pm – Mistresses Lunch – Location: Watermen’s Hall, 16 St-Mary-at-Hill, London,EC3R 8EF
* 31-Mar-2010 4:30pm – Court Meeting, followed by Dinner, in the Boardroom at Vintners’ Hall – Location: Boardroom, Vintners’ Hall* 20-Apr-2010 12:00am – Charity Golf Day (fee covers coffee and bacon rolls, green fees, golfers’ buffet lunch and a three-course waitress served meal). – Location: Moor Park
* 29-Apr-2010 12:00pm – Lord Mayor’s Big Curry Lunch – Location: Guildhall
* 29-Apr-2010 6:00pm – Lord Mayor’s Cadets’ Supper – Location: Guildhall* 4-May-2010 3:00pm – Launch of the Sheriffs’ Awards – Location: Old Bailey
* 4-May-2010 5:00pm – City of London Briefing – Location: Innholders’ Hall
* 6-May-2010 12:00am – Whittington Course – Location: City of London / Canary Whar
* 11-May-2010 5:30pm – 356th Festival Service of the Sons of the Clergy – Location: St Paul’s Cathedral
* 13-May-2010 6:00pm – HAC Dinner – Location: HAC, City Road, London EC1Y 2BQ
* 19-May-2010 9:00am – Inter-Livery Clay Shoot – Location: Holland & Holland
* 19-May-2010 11:00am – Standing Committee meetings – Location: Guildhall- Aldermen’s Dining Room
* 20-May-2010 12:30pm – 100 Plus Club – Location: Watermen’s Hall* 9-Jun-2010 9:00am – Installation Luncheon – Location: Drapers’ Hall
* 24-Jun-2010 11:30am – Midsummer’s Day – Election of Sheriffs – Location: Common Hall, Guildhall* 1-Jul-2010 6:00pm – Plumbers’/Glaziers’ Joint Reception for Help for Heroes – Location: Guildhall
* 11-Aug-2010 5:00am – First Sheriff’s Award meeting – Location: Bank of England
* 25-Aug-2010 12:00am – 11th Anniversary of the petition to become a Guild* 15-Sep-2010 6:00pm – Second Sheriffs’ Awards meeting and dinner – Location: Bank of England
* 16-Sep-2010 12:00am – Inter-Livery Tennis Tournament – Location: Queen’s Club
* 16-Sep-2010 12:00am – Livery Halls Walk
* 16-Sep-2010 11:00am – Standing Committee meetings – Location: Guildhall- Aldermen’s Dining Room
* 16-Sep-2010 6:30pm – Company Lecture – Location: Painters’ Hall
* 20-Sep-2010 9:30am – City Management Course – Location: Drapers’ Hall
* 29-Sep-2010 11:00am – Michaelmas Day – Election of the Lord Mayor – Location: Common Hall, Guildhall
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