Strident on Trident.
One of the first tasks that the civil service will have ensured that David Cameron carries out – within minutes of his return from Buckingham Palace – is re-writing the four letters that are always carried, one in each safe of Britain’s four Trident armed nuclear submarines.
The letters are there in case the Prime Minister is obliterated in a nuclear strike and is no longer able to give the order to enable the Commanders to fire back at our attacker.
I have been pondering what David Cameron might have said in his letters. What decision he would have come to, what order he would issue, knowing that it will only be acted upon on his death by nuclear Armageddon.
My best bet is:
“Track down that little woofter Clegg and ask him if he still wants to abolish Trident. He’s next”
Yours,
A regretably vaporised David Cameron.
What do you think he’s written?
-
1
May 19, 2010 at 17:53 -
2
May 19, 2010 at 17:58 -
Take out Paris first, the French have had it coming for years. Then find Alex Salmond and drop one on him, bloody Scots. After that I’m not bothered.
-
4
May 19, 2010 at 18:10 -
“I regret to inform you that our nuclear deterrent was in name only. The missiles you are carrying are inoperable and always have been. Please keep this to yourself.”
“Do not panic. Radio 4 has gone off the air because the BBC has been privatised not because we are at war.”
I shudder to think what insincere stream of extraneous verbiage Brown scribbled down. Something about decent hard working families and fairness for all no doubt. Probably quoted Churchill too.
-
6
May 19, 2010 at 18:52 -
Scrag the oiks?
-
7
May 19, 2010 at 19:31 -
Make certain Stoke gets it.
-
8
May 19, 2010 at 19:31 -
I’d write “All systems are Glo” or something equally Thunderbirds-ish. I might add “Virgil was always my favourite”.
iDave might write “Trident’s a bit like Tiswas: you either got it or you didn’t. ….. It’s come in handy now, hasn’t it?”
-
9
May 19, 2010 at 19:31 -
The choice is now up to you, big boy. Choose wisely. Thank you and good shooting.
-
10
May 19, 2010 at 19:42 -
Or Dave might say … “It’s all a bit Basil Brush, isn’t it? An age-old joke leading to a terrible punchline: so here goes … Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!”
-
11
May 19, 2010 at 19:46 -
These missiles are awfully expensive, and I want you to ensure to the British elctorate that they are not used wilfully. Please set up a committee representative of conservatives, lib dems and labour voters and report back to your admiral within fifty days.
-
12
May 19, 2010 at 20:46 -
please find enclosed the addresses of Tony, Gordon,Darling,and Harperson,your country is relying on you, good hunting…on confirmation of the above targets being atomised you will be sent the co ordinates for the GOLD Gordon didn’t sell!
-
13
May 19, 2010 at 21:06 -
Dear Commander,
Very sorry but it seems Liam Byrne sold all of Trident’s expensive bits of engineering to Iran and the uranium to North Korea so that he could build some more kurdish creches in Birmingham. You can imgaine the pickle we would be in if this gets out so please keep it hush hush.
Look, I’m not very good at this military stuff but my chums in the MOD assure me that if you all shout “Bang” at the same time in the direction of your target, it could have quite an effect. Apparently this is what they get the squaddies to do in Afghanistan.
Best Regards,
Cammy
-
14
May 19, 2010 at 21:17 -
Oh sod i…..
-
15
May 19, 2010 at 22:50 -
On behalf of the Coalition please fire the Conservative half of the missiles on your boat. The LibDem missiles can only be launched with a majority of EU states in favour. Please ensure you contact Brussels and Strasbourg to initiate the approval process in all of the official languages.
-
16
May 19, 2010 at 22:53 -
I am with Ancient and Tattered. I reckon he said something like, “make your own decision and God speed to you”.
-
17
May 20, 2010 at 02:08 -
p.s
Before you launch your missiles can you get the boys to paint the faces of Bruce Kent’s and Joan Ruddock ’s faces on two of them please?
-
18
May 20, 2010 at 05:47 -
i remember years ago, tony benn saying that the americans controlled the guidance system, so in effect they could be launched and the americans could switch them off!
-
19
May 20, 2010 at 08:41 -
The UK’s ultimate penis substitute – dickheads with warheads.
-
20
May 20, 2010 at 09:23 -
Many thanks for your dedicated service and it is with great regret that your services are no longer required. encl. P45
-
21
May 20, 2010 at 10:51 -
Left a bit, right a bit, left a bit . FIRE.
(thank you Golden Shot for leaving that in my brain.)
-
22
May 20, 2010 at 11:43 -
T’was the French.
-
23
May 21, 2010 at 13:43 -
As I understand it, the letter always says one of four things.
1) Put yourself, if possible, under U.S. Command
2) Put yourself, if possible, under Australian Command
3) Save yourselves, if possible, and scuttle the sub.
4) Fire at Moscow, then do 1 or 2.
5) Do 3, then 1 or 2. -
24
May 21, 2010 at 13:44 -
Five. Five things.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }