COBRA, shorthand for the Cabinet Office Briefing Room A has, as it always does, stepped up to the breach in an emergency. This is the same team of top flight Ministers from Defence, Home Office and the relevant emergency services who were called together to plan the civil contingencies initiative when it was believed that every woolly sheep in Britain needed to be slaughtered.
These are the experts, the people in charge of extreme measures essential to the life of the community (unless the community are sheep, in which case they are in charge of extreme measures to ensure the death of the community).
After lengthy deliberation, and an announcement by Gordon Brown that 100 coaches were waiting at Madrid airport to bring home the beleaguered Chavs stranded in the wine bars of the airport, they fired their most potent bullet.
They deployed the ‘rapid response team’. This six man (you were expecting more?) team covered the 77.6 miles from Whitehall to Dover in record time for civil servants, arriving exhausted after an impressive six whole days.
Naturally they were exhausted so they will not be able to continue their journey to spots where they might be faced with hostile crowds of angry voters waiting to be repatriated (in time to vote) before the morning.
Tonight they are resting, and tomorrow they will begin the arduous two hours crossing of the English Channel.
Once in Calais, they will require a mere two or three hours to prepare their team to greet the 50 coaches (whad’ya mean 100 – that’s what Gordon Brown said?) which hopefully will arrive in the afternoon.
Depending on how many drivers turn up, for France has stringent rules about how many hours a driver may work, they will then supervise despatching the coaches to Madrid.
Why are the coaches going to Calais first and not straight to Madrid? Well obviously that is where the rapid response team will be based, you couldn’t expect them to journey all the way to Spain could you, not when it’s taken them six days to get to Dover.
Assuming enough extra drivers turn up in Calais, the 50 – not 100 – coaches will reach Madrid a mere 84 hours after Gordon Brown said they would be there.
When they have rested, they will begin the return journey. When they have rested yet again, they will go back to Madrid.
At that point, Milliband will be able to announce with pride that Gordon was absolutely accurate when he said that 100 coaches would be rescuing passengers in Madrid.
Tonight all he could say was that his 3 Warships (two sitting in the bloody channel doing nothing) have managed to rescue the sum total of 266 civilians in addition to the troops who were threatening to give him a hung parliament he would never forget if he didn’t get them back home before next Thursday.
British Airways are trying to defy not only the Unions, but also the Government (how far is this the same thing?) and get their planes flying despite everything that Whelan and Brown’s devious minds can throw at them.
Some Britons are showing remarkable resilience and determination to get themselves home by their own efforts – however, even the streets of our small village are littered with drunken chavs loudly announcing that they have ‘no f***ing money left)’ (except for another round) (the B & Bs don’t expect to get paid, they have long since figured that one out!) and that it is up to the ‘f***ing government to sort something’.
Could be an interesting result. Seems to me that the voters who do manage to get themselves home unaided are unlikely to be Labour supporters – even if they were before they went on holiday.
The ones Gordon really needs home are the ones lying under the bar.
I wonder what orders the rapid response team will issue to the coach drivers as to who they let onto the coaches?
Could we be about to see scenes like the last days of Vietnam?
I hang my head in shame that I might have to produce my British passport someday.