Our translators have been working overtime through the night to translate the manifesto into intelligible English – we will bring you further chapters as the team complete them. Original ‘Gordogarbage’ in italics.
This General Election is fought as our troops are bravely fighting to defend the safety of the British people and the security of the world in Afghanistan. They bring great pride and credit to our country: we honour and will always support them.
In this general election we are fighting for our jobs, expenses and the right to continue screwing the country. After 13 years of mistakes you can trust us now. We are as genuine as Tony Blair’s new Tan. What we could not deliver in the time of plenty we are now going to pretend we will deliver with the coffers empty. We think you are that stupid.
In order to distract you from the mess we have made we are continuing with an illegal war that is costing you billions in a country most of you will never visit nor have any ties too. But because of my insecurity I need to grand stand on the global stage and distract you from the disgraceful management the United Kingdom has suffered under Labour.
At the same time the world has been rocked by the first great crisis of the new global economic age.
My changes to the regulation of the banking industry really screwed up the UK economy but all our financial problems must be preceded by the term Global.
In Britain, the political crisis caused by expenses has undermined the bond of trust between the people and the politicians elected to serve them.
Somehow the masses found out about our thieving and after many attempts to block the freedom of information requests in court we issued a heavily redacted set of papers as we tried desperately to cover up and spin against the truth.
So this cannot, and will not, be a ‘business as usual’ election or Manifesto. In this Manifesto we set out plans to address the main future challenges we face in our economy, our society and our politics.
We will create a whole new set of secret rules and expenses to abuse but we will make sure we cover our tracks more thoroughly.
We will rebuild the economy to secure the recovery and invest in future growth and jobs.
We destroyed the economy and we would like to finish the job unhindered.
We will renew our society to further strengthen the communities that bind our country together.
More cheap labour from abroad will be brought here to vote Labour to steal more British jobs from British workers.
And we will restore trust in politics with greater transparency and accountability in a system battered by the expenses scandal.
We are going to replace the thieving lying scum you caught cheating their expenses, avoiding Capital Gains Tax, buying rubbish porn and and paying for mortgages that do not exist with more thieving lying scum you have not yet caught stealing.
This programme for further national renewal meets the big challenges of the age.
Our Manifesto is ambitious but affordable, bold but realistic, and learns from the lessons we take from our experience to date.
Soundbite Section for Labour Broadcasting Corporation. You won’t find it so easy to catch us out next time round.
Over the next ten years we will confront major challenges – intensive global competition, climate change, an ageing society, and bringing stability to Afghanistan.
Do not expect any changes soon. We have really messed up big this time. Other countries are doing much better than the UK and people are getting older all of a sudden – better mention the war to distract you.
This is a moment for good judgement and serious purpose to meet the challenges ahead.
SPIN and PISH. We are still incompetent phuckwitts with a load of problems we created still unresolved.
Our aim is a modern, progressive Britain based on fairness, respect, decency and openness.
We have only just thought up that line, which is why you haven’t seen anything like this in the past 13 years. We will introduce more policies like ID Cards, CCTV, Terrorism Act, Detention without trial, Trial without a jury, DNA databases, Internet Spying, Email Reading to name but a few of our recent plans to progress to a Stalinist State.
This is a Manifesto about the greater progressive change we need because of the tougher times we are living through.
We created the tougher times you are just managing to live through. . You will suffer while we live in luxury.
There are no big new spending commitments,
We have run out of ink in the photocopier and are no longer able to continue printing extra money. The UK is beyond broke and we will tell you after the election via the spending review that you are broke, besides, the past few weeks we have emptied the coffers and handed out millions to all the key constituencies.
but there is a determination for every penny to be used wisely, and, as present plans make clear, to give the maximum protection to front line public services.
Your money will be given to our pals in the Unions to boast our donations and support to keep us in power long enough to decide which country we will retire to as the UK is obviously in bad shape.
This is a moment to show greater boldness in response to what Britain has gone through and
the toll it has taken.
We screwed it good and proper. Please just get over it, but you will need to pay more tax.
We reject a ‘business as usual’ mentality because we have to re-build and rebalance the economy, as well as renew our society and politics.
‘Mandelson’s spin about business’ – we have not the faintest idea about running a commercial operation. None of us have generated a penny in our lives that did not come in an unmarked brown envelope.
Reform cannot stand still – not least because we need to get more value and delivery from public services in a period of public spending constraint.
There is no money left. We wasted it all. It seems we are idiots but you are the bigger idiots for believing us. Na na ne na na.
Our Manifesto charts an optimistic course in tougher economic times. It builds on and takes forward the reforms we have undertaken since 1997.
We failed to deliver on our previous manifesto pledges so we have made up some new ones and reprinted some previous ones. Those nice judges said it didn’t matter, manifesto pledges aren’t worth the paper they are written on.
I love Britain and want the very best for our country. This Manifesto is my pledge of a future fair for all.
I want to be PM. I have no chance of getting a real job. I am a talentless one eyed financial screwball without the slightest idea of how I managed to get this job.
Gordon Brown (aged 9, written with the help of his Mother)
El (Global) Gordo
Financial Genius Extraordinaire. Sound Economies Wrecked to Order.