(The following are un-reported excerpts from Mr Blair’s recent speech at Sedgefield, which were mysteriously omitted from the televised version.)
Hey, look — I know I promised to be whiter than white. Maybe that didn’t always work out. Perhaps beige would have been a better choice. But none of it was my fault. None of it. But, look — look — that’s all in the past now. We’ve put it behind us. Drawn a line in the sand. From now on, we’re going to be browner than brown, as we move on, into a new, brighter era.
An era of rainbows and bluebirds on my shoulder. An era of prosperity. Certainly for me, what with the book deals and the speech circuit and the Middle East deals — whoops! — wasn’t supposed to mention that. Please unhear that.
And you people, you know… you ordinary, little people — you are the Chosen Ones. Well, you must be, otherwise security wouldn’t have let you in. So I say unto you, get out there and vote, vote, vote for good old Gordon, who’s promised to make me a Lord. Then it’ll be me, Peter and Andrew who will be your unelected masters — sorry! — servants.
Have to go soon, as Barack wants a word, and then there’s the old Pope to advise, and Israel and Palestine to sort out. And then there’s the tan to work on. Busy busy busy… Is that okay, Gordon? Usual fee, of course.
Now if any of you… you know… want to come up after and touch the hem of my suit — or ask for the healing touch — please feel free. Although it’s not, of course. Free, I mean. See Cherie about the money.
(Mr Blair then slowly began to disappear, fading into the murk, until only the grin was left.)