(The following are un-reported excerpts from Mr Blair’s recent speech at Sedgefield, which were mysteriously omitted from the televised version.)

Hey, look — I know I promised to be whiter than white. Maybe that didn’t always work out. Perhaps beige would have been a better choice. But none of it was my fault. None of it. But, look — look — that’s all in the past now. We’ve put it behind us. Drawn a line in the sand. From now on, we’re going to be browner than brown, as we move on, into a new, brighter era.

An era of rainbows and bluebirds on my shoulder. An era of prosperity. Certainly for me, what with the book deals and the speech circuit and the Middle East deals — whoops! — wasn’t supposed to mention that. Please unhear that.

And you people, you know… you ordinary, little people — you are the Chosen Ones. Well, you must be, otherwise security wouldn’t have let you in. So I say unto you, get out there and vote, vote, vote for good old Gordon, who’s promised to make me a Lord. Then it’ll be me, Peter and Andrew who will be your unelected masters — sorry! — servants.

Have to go soon, as Barack wants a word, and then there’s the old Pope to advise, and Israel and Palestine to sort out. And then there’s the tan to work on. Busy busy busy… Is that okay, Gordon? Usual fee, of course.

Now if any of you… you know… want to come up after and touch the hem of my suit — or ask for the healing touch — please feel free. Although it’s not, of course. Free, I mean. See Cherie about the money.

(Mr Blair then slowly began to disappear, fading into the murk, until only the grin was left.)

1
JuliaM March 31, 2010 at 17:37

Superb!

2
Gloria Smudd March 31, 2010 at 18:16

Hey, look – brilliant, yeh?

3
Grumpy Optimist March 31, 2010 at 18:30

How dare you be so disrespectful of our truly great previous leader. His rights are being threatened. Does he know a good human rights lawyer I wonder?

4
Demetrius March 31, 2010 at 18:32

Talking about Cherie and inspiration I see she was on a documentary channel, I think Discovery dealing with one of her part time interests, Christianity. We did not watch it. I do hope that she gave the fee to help with the upkeep of Ford Cemetery in Liverpool which is in a shockingly run down state.

5
Joe Public March 31, 2010 at 19:39

“….I promised to be whiter than white. ” Not with Trevor Philips’ approval.

6
Joe Public March 31, 2010 at 19:42

Anna – O/T but why have some commenters got their personal avatars, yet others have what appear to be reminiscences of an LSD trip?

7
Thaddeus J. Wilson March 31, 2010 at 19:56

You can get a personalised avatar at Gravatar.com, Joe.

8
Joe Public March 31, 2010 at 20:05

Thanks TJW

9
Gloria Smudd March 31, 2010 at 20:12

O Tony,
Thou art deluded
Hated is thy name:
Take Labour’s bung
Then hold your tongue
You’re don’t live in 10 or 11.
I write this day on this daily thread
That we don’t forget your trespasses
And we know you have trespassed against us
And led us into confrontation
Claiming an axis of Evil
For thine own oil kingdom
Plus the power and the glory
And as you said to Chilcott
It’s about 2010.

10
Saul March 31, 2010 at 20:33

Blooming heck Glo! You were only 2 minutes out!

11
Gloria Smudd March 31, 2010 at 20:56

whaddaya mean, whaddaya mean Saul?

12
Saul March 31, 2010 at 20:59

You said “It’s about 2010″.

Your post time was 20.12

13
Anna Raccoon March 31, 2010 at 21:05

Jeez, you’re awful slow tonight Mrs Smudd!

14
Gloria Smudd March 31, 2010 at 21:20

I’ve been busy making something inedible for the hungry throng. I accept I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer and will now go and wire-wool the remnants of tonight’s offerings from the bottoms of the 3 pans (they all said they didn’t want any more)

xx Glo xx

15
Joe Public March 31, 2010 at 21:22

If he pulls-off those miracles, beatification will offset his successor’s Death Tax

16
Frank Davis March 31, 2010 at 23:42

What is the Pet Labour Troll supposed to do? It just rolls its eyes at me.

17
2Mac April 1, 2010 at 00:28

Gloria,

I am a devout atheist and a true believer in hating faux socialist scum like Tanned Tony and his rabble of ZaNu Labour fame.

I found your poem both offensive to religious types and Labour supporters and therefore would like to reproduce this on a few other blogs that I visit. I will give you credit. Thanks for the laugh.

18
binlid April 1, 2010 at 10:21

Great, Lenko!

Gloria: Another wonderful offering. Made my day.

19
Thaddeus J. Wilson April 1, 2010 at 10:52

Frank Davis, you need to click “Enter” or type something in and click “Enter”.