Tears on my Pilau – The Anna Raccoon Archives

by lenko on March 25, 2010

You Couldn’t Make It Up

Dread news from the AP today, reporting from Gauhati in India, where the arms race has taken on a terrifying new twist.

Indian scientists have perfected a new type of gas grenade, which can paralyse an enemy with the much-feared “bhut jolokia” – the world’s hottest chili. Though it is officially a non-toxic weapon, it has the power to force soldiers out of hiding by making them choke on the fumes.

British Security forces, fearing a sudden uprising of terrorists armed with chilli powder, are currently checking the country’s 17,000 Indian restaurants, some of them posing as diners and eating up to five chilis a day.

Whereas a jalapeno pepper has about 8,0000 Scoville units – a measure of spiciness – the bhut jolokia possesses as much as a million. Two chilis of more than critical mass, when brought together, would be enough to make the Sun go nova.

Trials are in progress of an aerosol version, and Greater Manchester Police are believed to have already put in an order.

Meanwhile, French physicists are working on a neutralising agent, based upon the so far only rumoured super-garlic.

Lenko

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Uncle Marvo March 25, 2010 at 13:44: Bring it on!

Anna, are you actually a lawyer? Am I in trouble?

http://tiomarvo.blogspot.com/2010/03/delusion.html

Shit.
2 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 14:57: I think someone’s just trying to curry favour with the Indians.
3 Obnoxio The Clown March 25, 2010 at 15:37: I wish I was a clever enough raita to come up with this sort of thing.
4 Vimes March 25, 2010 at 15:40: One of several:

http://www.sidespin.org/curry/rhapsody.html
5 Gloria Smudd March 25, 2010 at 17:00: Obnoxio – the raita one was rather good, so give yourself a pathia on the back..
6 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 17:05: Do I get no approval for starting this argie-bhaji, Gloria?
7 Gloria Smudd March 25, 2010 at 17:08: Of course you do Mr Thaddeus – you’re such a reliable chapati in that regard, sometimes your contributions are puree genius.
8 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 17:09: Thanks, Gloria … although I can’t think of any follow ups.

I’m in a bit of a pickle.
9 Gloria Smudd March 25, 2010 at 17:14: Ooh, that can’t be en-Thali true, can it?
10 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 17:16: I’m afraid it is. I’m doing this by roti, really.
11 Antisthenes March 25, 2010 at 17:44: Yes I know of this garlic trial, apparently it is necessary to eat copious amounts of it and then breath heavily into miscreants faces. However first trials of it have not been particularly successful in France as it has been found that all the French eat copious amounts of garlic and are therefore immune to it. The trials are being transferred to the UK as it is thought they will be a better study group.
12 Saul March 25, 2010 at 17:49: I was going to bhaji in with my own offerings and spice things up a bit, but I bet you could see me cumin. You both seem to know your onions. Corrie and ‘er pals will be along soon. Then we can have a state of Korma.
13 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 17:55: All in all, I think this story’s been a bit of a bhuna to us, don’t you?
14 Gloria Smudd March 25, 2010 at 18:05: I’m feeling a bit dopiaza now, having only contributed the samos-samosa offerings you’d expect from me. I think I’ll passanda next round.
15 Gloria Smudd March 25, 2010 at 18:05: I wonder if Bugger (the Passanda) will join in anytime soon?
16 Gloria Smudd March 25, 2010 at 18:12: Tears on my Pilau – so clever it made me Karahi.
17 Joe Public March 25, 2010 at 19:04: I applaud the verbal tennis!
18 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 19:53: I think we’ve tikka-d all the boxes now!
19 Pericles March 25, 2010 at 22:01: Aloo, Aloo, Aloo ! Wha’ ’as ’appened ’ere, Sir, please ?

(Well, some-one had to say it.)

ΠΞ
20 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 25, 2010 at 23:32: You’re quite the rogan, aren’t you Pericles!
21 Mrs Rigby March 26, 2010 at 00:04: Just bhaji-ing in to curry favour – did you see follow up tin roof comment?
22 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 26, 2010 at 08:24: Bhaji-ing in? You naan would be very disappointed, Mrs Rigby!
23 Gloria Smudd March 26, 2010 at 10:01: It’s nice to know our little chaats don’t aggravate everyone, isn’t it Mr Thaddeus?
24 Gloria Smudd March 26, 2010 at 10:10: Anyway,

“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date,
No time to say “Aloo, Gobi”,
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late….”

(I know I should apologise for this one, but sari seems to be the hardest word)
25 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 26, 2010 at 10:28: I’m starting to sag now.
26 Gloria Smudd March 26, 2010 at 11:09: I’m afraid the corners of your mouth prove that to be only too true Mr T. We must all expect a little sag with the passing of time. I haven’t been able to bhindi’n the middle for years now.
27 Pericles March 26, 2010 at 13:56: Had enough of this ; I’m off. Here, I’ll just put the computer in my paneer.

ΠΞ
28 Dave H. March 26, 2010 at 14:22: Madras, sheer madras.
29 Constantly Furious March 26, 2010 at 15:03: Aloo!

Ghosht, aren’t you all good at this? I’m a little late joining – it Tikka while to catch up, and I’m not in-Thali confident I can keep up – the humour may begin to Sagh.

Would you like to hear Samosa? I Roti a few more down on post-it notes – shall I Poppadom on the table?

Don’t worry if you don’t read them – most of it is Cobra’s.
30 Saul March 26, 2010 at 21:57: Anyone fancy some curried Lizard?

Korma Chameleon.
31 Thaddeus J. Wilson March 26, 2010 at 22:01: That was terrible, b(o)y George!
32 Saul March 26, 2010 at 22:07: South American curry.

Llama Bhuna, and prawn Alpacas
33 Gloria Smudd March 26, 2010 at 23:06: I vote today’s winner is Constantly Furious for “shall I Poppadom on the table?”

One bottle of Bangla to the man with the scarlet face and the rictus grin.