And this time, it really is official: experts are setting out ways for everyone to both avoid dementia and live longer. The bottom-line heads-up solution (I’ve discovered, following an extensive and intensive survey of this latest piece of un-news) is that you must live a miserable existence devoid of any comforts lasting some 108 years.

The alternative is to have 75 years of fun, followed by 15 years of people being nice to you…for most of which, your cognition will be so severely damaged as to make gloom highly unlikely.

However, the high-IQ specialist medics are temporarily setting such thoughts aside in favour of allowing grannies to have quintuplets. This is just the sort of advance we need…….in order to unite the human race shoulder to shoulder in what Galton & Simpson referred to some sixty years ago as “Everyone hooters-up, gasping for breath”. The only change will be that half of those gasping will not know what (or where) their nose is.

Those having children in all the sizes and all the colours are of course blissfully unaware of what lies ahead – and no couple more than celebrity duo Mr & Mrs Reid.

This is not a reference to the infamously sleep-inducing Blair apologist and Chilcot groveller ‘Gnasher’ Reid MP, but rather an intro to the Sun headline ‘Cage man takes dip in Jordan river’. For the bint formally known as Jordan (now Katie Price) and Celebrity Big Brother supremo cage-fighter Alex Reid have flown to Vegas in order to enter the state of Holy Matrimony…..as well as wholly-owned dysfunctional insanity.

They’ve been dating for about seven months, and probably avoiding the clutches of publicist Max Clifford for considerably longer. Katie told anyone prepared to listen that they just wanted (from here onwards) to be left alone to enjoy their marital bliss and regular Hello features in complete privacy.

It’s not asking for much, is it?